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  1. #1
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    Default Step Child Starting School - Help!

    Hi all, just curious on people arrangements with step children once they start school. When do you pick them up/drop them back?

    We currently pick up my step daughter every second Friday afternoon and drop her home Monday morning.
    I don't love this arrangement, my own daughter is 5 so it's an extremely early start on those Monday's, DF & I both work and my step daughters mother lives 1.5hrs from us so they're out the door by 7am so he can get to work on time. My DF does nothing to help get my DSD ready and out the door on those Monday mornings, I get her up, dressed, fed and pack her bag, brush her teeth etc.

    She will start school in January and I would like to drop her home on Sunday evenings. Her school is also 1.5hrs from where we live.
    My DF thinks I'm being unreasonable as its his time with her. I understand this but he could drop her home late on Sunday which means he's only missing the 1.5hr driving time on a Monday morning. I think it will be very difficult for her to have to take lots of bags to school Friday & Monday on the weekends we have her, I also know that i'd be the one stuck with washing her school uniforms etc on a weekend so they're ready for Monday, I'd be the one packing her lunch etc. It's already hard enough on those Monday's getting everyone organised and out the door.
    I'm also pregnant and will have a newborn when she starts school so it will be even harder again.

    Advise please? Thanks x

  2. #2
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    Maybe turn it around and make it all about the step daughter. Her first year of school is so tiring for her, Monday's after a weekend with you will be a huge day for her. Can you put it to him like that

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    I think it is a tad unreasonable to be honest.
    You knew he had a daughter when you met him, so she is part of the parcel is how i see it. If he only has her for 3 nights every second weekend then i don't think it's fair to try and make it only 2 nights every second weekend.
    Why should his daughter miss out on time with her Dad? And with her step siblings? She is part of the family too.
    I think you should just ask him to help out more in the morning or for him to get your step daughter organised on the Monday morning himself, if you're struggling with it.
    Why not ask if she can leave her things for her weekend at your house, at your house?
    Or have her Dad buy her clothing, toys etc to just be kept in her own special area and drawers at your house so there isn't a need to cart bags full of stuff around every second weekend.
    Make the school lunches Sunday night and wash the girls uniforms together over the weekend. Im sure your DF can make the lunches every second Sunday night to take the stress off you.
    It's nice for children to have their parent they don't live full time with drop them off at school every second Monday too. They get a chance to show Dad their class or have him meet a friend, the teacher etc.
    I just think it's unfair to the child to take more time away from her and her Dad because it doesn't fit in with you right now. Sorry

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    Quote Originally Posted by monroe78 View Post
    I think it is a tad unreasonable to be honest.
    You knew he had a daughter when you met him, so she is part of the parcel is how i see it. If he only has her for 3 nights every second weekend then i don't think it's fair to try and make it only 2 nights every second weekend.
    Why should his daughter miss out on time with her Dad? And with her step siblings? She is part of the family too.
    I think you should just ask him to help out more in the morning or for him to get your step daughter organised on the Monday morning himself, if you're struggling with it.
    Why not ask if she can leave her things for her weekend at your house, at your house?
    Or have her Dad buy her clothing, toys etc to just be kept in her own special area and drawers at your house so there isn't a need to cart bags full of stuff around every second weekend.
    Make the school lunches Sunday night and wash the girls uniforms together over the weekend. Im sure your DF can make the lunches every second Sunday night to take the stress off you.
    It's nice for children to have their parent they don't live full time with drop them off at school every second Monday too. They get a chance to show Dad their class or have him meet a friend, the teacher etc.
    I just think it's unfair to the child to take more time away from her and her Dad because it doesn't fit in with you right now. Sorry
    maybe if the dad helped out more the OP wouldn't feel like this?

    it's his kid, if he can't be bothered helping out more, why should she?

    realistically I'd put it to him and frame it from the child's perspective. it's a big change for her, she will be tired etc.

    what's the difference between late Sunday night and Monday morning anyway? hardly like they're spending time together in the night?

    I think it makes sense for all involved to do the drop off late Sunday night. 1.5 hours of driving before the day has even got underway is a lot for everyone, especially the little girl. surely she's better off having a bit of a sleep in at her mum's before school rather than having to get up so early at her dad's just to be back where she needs to be for school.

    bit of a no brainer for me but anyway.

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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    maybe if the dad helped out more the OP wouldn't feel like this?

    it's his kid, if he can't be bothered helping out more, why should she?

    realistically I'd put it to him and frame it from the child's perspective. it's a big change for her, she will be tired etc.

    what's the difference between late Sunday night and Monday morning anyway? hardly like they're spending time together in the night?

    I think it makes sense for all involved to do the drop off late Sunday night. 1.5 hours of driving before the day has even got underway is a lot for everyone, especially the little girl. surely she's better off having a bit of a sleep in at her mum's before school rather than having to get up so early at her dad's just to be back where she needs to be for school.

    bit of a no brainer for me but anyway.
    I agree with the Dad helping out more, which is why i said, ask df to get his daughter ready on the Monday morning and i said im sure he can make the girls lunches every second Sunday night.

    There is a difference between late Sunday/Monday morning once the SD has started school. If they leave at 7 and arrive at 830 then no doubt DF will be taking her into school. That actually means a lot to a child and any family court would recommend he do that and looks favourably on parents who do. It is showing an interest in her schooling, her friends, her work, talking to her teacher about any concerns or great learning outcomes etc.
    Parenting shouldn't just be a "sleepover."

    At least on the Sunday night she can go to bed early for the morning.
    SD would still no doubt be getting up at at least 7am if she were at her Mums house to get ready for school and there on time anyway.

    The other difference is she gets 3 nights a fortnight not 2 with her Dad. 3 dinners with Dad, 3 nights where he can say goodnight to her, tuck her in, read her a book etc. Help her with homework and so on.

    So many people will complain about parents who have no time for their children and don't want to bother seeing them, which is fair enough. This Dad wants his 3 nights a fortnight with his daughter, i don't see why that should be taken away from him or the little girl just because there are a couple of minor issues with organisation at the moment. It wouldn't be fair.
    It's easy to assume or use the excuse, oh she will be too tired on Monday.
    Most 5 year olds are in their first year of school, that's why going to bed early on a Sunday would be a logical idea.

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    Did anyone see the part where they will have a newborn as well? I have my sd full time my daughter nanda newborn. My girls where already in year 3 when I had newborn and I can tell you getting them to school on time was so hard.
    I don't think this should be turned into a step parent fight over if the op wants the child for a extra night or not. She is concerned about the family at the moment.

    Op j really think you need to have a serious chat with you df and work out a plan for how it is going to work. If he is hell bent on having her the Sunday night how are you going to get two kids to different schools plus dealing with the newborn. Is he going to step up and help you with the Morning routine etc.
    don't make it a chat of no I don't want her here it's to hard to have her make it about the planning etc

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  12. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by monroe78 View Post
    I agree with the Dad helping out more, which is why i said, ask df to get his daughter ready on the Monday morning and i said im sure he can make the girls lunches every second Sunday night.

    There is a difference between late Sunday/Monday morning once the SD has started school. If they leave at 7 and arrive at 830 then no doubt DF will be taking her into school. That actually means a lot to a child and any family court would recommend he do that and looks favourably on parents who do. It is showing an interest in her schooling, her friends, her work, talking to her teacher about any concerns or great learning outcomes etc.
    Parenting shouldn't just be a "sleepover."

    At least on the Sunday night she can go to bed early for the morning.
    SD would still no doubt be getting up at at least 7am if she were at her Mums house to get ready for school and there on time anyway.

    The other difference is she gets 3 nights a fortnight not 2 with her Dad. 3 dinners with Dad, 3 nights where he can say goodnight to her, tuck her in, read her a book etc. Help her with homework and so on.

    So many people will complain about parents who have no time for their children and don't want to bother seeing them, which is fair enough. This Dad wants his 3 nights a fortnight with his daughter, i don't see why that should be taken away from him or the little girl just because there are a couple of minor issues with organisation at the moment. It wouldn't be fair.
    It's easy to assume or use the excuse, oh she will be too tired on Monday.
    Most 5 year olds are in their first year of school, that's why going to bed early on a Sunday would be a logical idea.
    I've been down this path with me exdh and he was told it was not viable. The travel times and distances in the morning were too big and it was going to place too much stress on the kids. From memory distances over 100km or more than an hour in driving time were deemed too big for driving to school.

    My kids are picked up on Sunday evenings and that is what is best for them.

    I don't get the big deal about an extra night - the kids are asleep anyway.

    If the father was willing to pick up the SD from school on Friday afternoons he would be able establish a connection with the school by meeting the teacher, her friends, other parents etc.
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 08-06-2016 at 11:46.

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    My DD stays at her dad's house every fortnight and we too live 1.5 hours away from him, and she starts school next year. There is no way I'm going to pick her up on the Monday morning. I would have to be up at 5:30am to leave by 6am, get her at 7:30, back to school by 9am then back home. It's going to be easier for us to pick her up on Sunday as we do now.

    My DP has 3 boys (only two of them stay regularly, 6/14 nights) and DP drives them 1.5 hours to school several mornings a fortnight (he also works near there). Washing their uniforms doesn't bother me at all, and lunches is taken care of by DP, but it wouldn't bother me to do them.

    All that said, two nights a fortnight isn't much so I can understand that he is trying to hold on to the extra night. As much as the Monday morning is an early start, the driving on the Sunday night would certainly cut into time he could still spend with her.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2 girls 1 boy View Post
    Did anyone see the part where they will have a newborn as well? I have my sd full time my daughter nanda newborn. My girls where already in year 3 when I had newborn and I can tell you getting them to school on time was so hard.
    I don't think this should be turned into a step parent fight over if the op wants the child for a extra night or not. She is concerned about the family at the moment.

    Op j really think you need to have a serious chat with you df and work out a plan for how it is going to work. If he is hell bent on having her the Sunday night how are you going to get two kids to different schools plus dealing with the newborn. Is he going to step up and help you with the Morning routine etc.
    don't make it a chat of no I don't want her here it's to hard to have her make it about the planning etc
    Yes i saw they will have a newborn too.
    I saw it as though, he already drops his daughter at home on a Monday morning so would continue to do so when she starts school, but may be dropping her at school instead of her Mums house, if he is getting to the area at 830am.
    It seems as though the op takes her daughter and drops her off now. So i suppose this would contiue with the newborn.
    Anyway that is my opinion, i think it is only fair that the step daughter and Dads points of view and feelings are factored into it, not only the O.Ps. and i am not arguing over any step parent or op issues, i was giving my opinion to the op on her post and seemed to have been questioned/quoted since i can see it from the Dads point of view which seems to differ from the majority on the post thus far.

    The way i see it, the issues are easily solved by the Dad/df doing more to organise and get his daughter ready on time, making her lunch and washing the uniforms that weekend. And taking the stress away from the o.p

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    Quote Originally Posted by monroe78 View Post
    I think it is a tad unreasonable to be honest.
    You knew he had a daughter when you met him, so she is part of the parcel is how i see it. If he only has her for 3 nights every second weekend then i don't think it's fair to try and make it only 2 nights every second weekend.
    Why should his daughter miss out on time with her Dad? And with her step siblings? She is part of the family too.
    I think you should just ask him to help out more in the morning or for him to get your step daughter organised on the Monday morning himself, if you're struggling with it.
    Why not ask if she can leave her things for her weekend at your house, at your house?
    Or have her Dad buy her clothing, toys etc to just be kept in her own special area and drawers at your house so there isn't a need to cart bags full of stuff around every second weekend.
    Make the school lunches Sunday night and wash the girls uniforms together over the weekend. Im sure your DF can make the lunches every second Sunday night to take the stress off you.
    It's nice for children to have their parent they don't live full time with drop them off at school every second Monday too. They get a chance to show Dad their class or have him meet a friend, the teacher etc.
    I just think it's unfair to the child to take more time away from her and her Dad because it doesn't fit in with you right now. Sorry
    I don't actually see that she's 'missing out on time' with her dad, it would literally only be the 1.5hr drive on a Monday morning. That's not quality time together in my eyes and he is mostly on the phone for work while he is driving.

    We have her own toys, clothes etc at our house for her but obviously unless we go spend a fortune on having a second school uniform at our house that makes no difference once she starts school and I doubt things would be returned to us from her mums house based on past experience.

    DF would be picking her up every second Friday from school so he will see her teachers then, interact with her in her school environment etc. Like I said he works full time and Monday's are a huge rush for him to get to the office so he wouldn't be spending more than a minute dropping her to her classroom on a Monday morning.

    I am fully aware she is part of our family, yes I knew he had a child before we got together. I am trying to work out what works best for our whole family not just my DSD, fair is fair.

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