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  1. #1
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    Default Almost 12 weeks - big blowout with husband

    This is my first post. I'm 38, sadly had a miscarriage last year and now pregnant again at almost 12 weeks.

    I'm concerned about my pregnancy. My husband and I have just had a big blowout after a counselling session wherein I told him I was no longer prepared to deal with his jealousy issues and interference from his family. The thing is, our relationship has been better than ever lately (in general), and I truly love the man, but after another ridiculous round of unfounded accusations last weekend I decided I can no longer tolerate it for my sake or for the sake of our future child who should not have to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour.

    When he gets angry he makes no sense at all and has basically said once things settle down I will have to make a decision. That some people just aren't meant for marriage. I have stood by this man through a hell of a lot and been faithful the whole time. If that isn't what marriage is about then I have no idea.

    But I digress. I am trying very hard to stay calm, but the reality of the prospect of raising this child with separated parents and the financial burden that will be is pretty dismal. The job market sucks and despite my experience and education I am not paid at all what I should be, yet earn the majority of our household income. It was going to be hard enough taking time off work after I give birth with just him working, but now that's all up in the air. Don't get me wrong. He's a good man and I don't think he's the sort of man who would abandon us. Then again, he inherited his ranting, jealousy and alcohol problem from his father who abandoned him. One big difference is he quit drinking for me a several years ago now which has been a massive and important step for him. Obviously he still has a lot of issues.

    So there's a storm brewing within me and my womb is feeling very disturbed. This is a long story I failed to make short, but I guess I am hoping for some kind words but not without some truth about how stress can really affect your pregnancy. I am worried something is wrong. Any thoughts?

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    Hun would it be correct to say that your mumma bear instinct is kicking in? And that there may be a silver lining to the cloud? (Your hubby have up all alcohol? Sounds like he's trying hard to do the right thing?).

    Are the issues with his family resolveable if boundaries were put in place? What are the jelousy issues? Any chance of miscommunication?

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  4. #3
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    So he wants to break up? What's the choice he's talking about? That you fall in line or leave?

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    So he wants to break up? What's the choice he's talking about? That you fall in line or leave?

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    Hugs. The stress is definitely not what you need at this time - it should be an exciting time for you both and draw you closer together, not tear you apart.

    With regard to the stress, babies really are robust little creatures. I don't believe stress alone causes miscarriage or developmental issues with the fetus. It is important that you find a way to deal with the stress though, as being stressed the whole pregnancy might have a negative impact in some shape or form. Taking plenty of time for yourself to relax, long walks, meditation and/or prenatal yoga can help to control your stress levels. You need to start to bond with your baby in 2nd and 3rd trimesters.

    As far as the relationship goes, I think you need to have a really good think. It's impossible to say what you should do based on the little info above (although I don't think you're asking for that advice anyway?). It's great that your both getting counselling and that he has given up drinking. You're right in that being a single parent would be extremely hard but staying in a relationship purely for the child is not going to make it easy in the long term. Having a baby, in my opinion, makes relationships harder and even the strongest of relationships get tested, especially in the first few years (after child birth). So it's important that if you do stay together, you make as much progress as possible before Bub arrives and have plans in place to deal with the journey ahead.

    You also need to consider:
    - do you love your husband?
    - am do you feel loved by your husband?
    - are the problems solveable/workable?
    - do you have adequate support (family/friends) around to assist if you were to go solo?

    If you do decide to stay and work through it, agree that you'll both stop threatening to leave (unclear whether it's him or you or both), and work with your counsellor to come up with a long term plan.

    Best of luck.

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  9. #6
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    VicPark - He did give up alcohol completely, so that truly is a huge deal. And in terms of other things he truly is trying to do the right thing. He's a good man, but has had a very damaged upbringing, and throw some overly-involved dysfunctional in-laws who are always keen to bend his ear about what a terrible person I am into the mix and it all starts to feel like 10 steps back for every step he takes forward. Boundaries would absolutely help, but he doesn't really see, or want to see, how damaging his family are. He moved to Australia to be with me and they are 13,000kms away yet still manage to create problems for us. The jealousy issues are that he always thinks I will be taken away by some other man. Sometimes not even a man. It could be a straight man, gay man, straight woman, gay woman... He thinks he sees things that don't exist and exaggerates things in his mind to the point where I am made to feel like I have crossed some line when all I have done is, for example, give a 50-year-old gay male friend who's in a committed relationship a hug. Pretty illogical. There's a lot of miscommunication, but I don't know how to be clearer than I am already being.

    Wise Enough - Neither of us wants to break up, especially now. But I can't continue a life where I am made to apologise and feel wracked with guilt for having done absolutely nothing wrong. And to be honest, I can't stand several key members of his family anymore and have no control over the very negative influence they seem to have over him. He's done a lot of nonsensical rambling, but the choice I think he means I need to make is to be happily married and not allow anymore line crossing or realise I should be single again. The only problem is, his line is based on things that don't exist. Exaggerations. So I have no idea where it even is. I had lunch with a work friend the other day at work and he took deep offence to that too. The guy is married with two kids and was a friend for about 10 years before I met my husband.

    Sunnygirl - Thanks for the information. I tried to talk with him about the counselling today but he now says he refuses to go back. He felt ganged up on and attacked and thinks I should just open my eyes and be happy to be married. The sad thing is, I think the counselling was really helping us. It was long overdue and we were a lot happier and communicating better, but it all went to crap yesterday. I told him today I don't think I see a future for us without counselling because he refused to address our long-standing issues any other way. He is adamant he won't go back. I don't know if he will calm down and realise how silly it would be to throw away a marriage based on a hug with a gay man, lunch with an old friend etc and a refusal to go to counselling, but I guess if that's all it takes for him then there's little I can do. I am certain his family are telling him there is nothing wrong with his behaviour and that I am just being silly and can't be trusted.

    I do love my husband and he loves me. Very much and very deeply. He's very intense with his love and has refused to give up at times when I wanted to. And I have been glad he has persisted. I feel very loved by him otherwise and he has been very supportive of me so far throughout the pregnancy. The problems are definitely able to be resolved. He has done a lot of work on himself already, but as I said he is a very damaged man and without him being open to working on issues rather than just pretending they don't exist they are not ever going to be resolved.

    As for support network, I have a mother and brother nearby, but not a lot of friends who can really help. They've all got established families so have their own things to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong person and have battled my way through many extremely difficult situations alone, but I am very sad about all this for both of us. He has wanted to have kids with me since we first met and I thought we would be doing this together and enjoying every step together. And so far we have, but after yesterday it now feels like rather than continue on relatively happily we could instead be navigating what could be the end of our relationship.

  10. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl79 View Post
    Hugs. The stress is definitely not what you need at this time - it should be an exciting time for you both and draw you closer together, not tear you apart.

    With regard to the stress, babies really are robust little creatures. I don't believe stress alone causes miscarriage or developmental issues with the fetus. It is important that you find a way to deal with the stress though, as being stressed the whole pregnancy might have a negative impact in some shape or form. Taking plenty of time for yourself to relax, long walks, meditation and/or prenatal yoga can help to control your stress levels. You need to start to bond with your baby in 2nd and 3rd trimesters.

    As far as the relationship goes, I think you need to have a really good think. It's impossible to say what you should do based on the little info above (although I don't think you're asking for that advice anyway?). It's great that your both getting counselling and that he has given up drinking. You're right in that being a single parent would be extremely hard but staying in a relationship purely for the child is not going to make it easy in the long term. Having a baby, in my opinion, makes relationships harder and even the strongest of relationships get tested, especially in the first few years (after child birth). So it's important that if you do stay together, you make as much progress as possible before Bub arrives and have plans in place to deal with the journey ahead.

    You also need to consider:
    - do you love your husband?
    - am do you feel loved by your husband?
    - are the problems solveable/workable?
    - do you have adequate support (family/friends) around to assist if you were to go solo?

    If you do decide to stay and work through it, agree that you'll both stop threatening to leave (unclear whether it's him or you or both), and work with your counsellor to come up with a long term plan.

    Best of luck.
    All of this plus I do think your DH needs to have counselling on his own to resolve his issues. He cannog keep blaming his father/upbringing for his behaviour. Yes it has affected him but it should not control him.

    Also, I do not believe that stress causes a MC. It *can* (I am going to stress that it is a can rather than a will) cause a baby/child to have more anxiety or be higher maintenance. But many many things can cause this so please do not worry about it or blame yourself.

    Hope it works out. And congratulations on your pregnancy.

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  12. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by mima38 View Post
    The jealousy issues are that he always thinks I will be taken away by some other man. Sometimes not even a man. It could be a straight man, gay man, straight woman, gay woman... He thinks he sees things that don't exist and exaggerates things in his mind to the point where I am made to feel like I have crossed some line when all I have done is, for example, give a 50-year-old gay male friend who's in a committed relationship a hug. Pretty illogical. There's a lot of miscommunication, but I don't know how to be clearer than I am already being.

    But I can't continue a life where I am made to apologise and feel wracked with guilt for having done absolutely nothing wrong. He's done a lot of nonsensical rambling, but the choice I think he means I need to make is to be happily married and not allow anymore line crossing or realise I should be single again. The only problem is, his line is based on things that don't exist. Exaggerations. So I have no idea where it even is. I had lunch with a work friend the other day at work and he took deep offence to that too. The guy is married with two kids and was a friend for about 10 years before I met my husband.

    I tried to talk with him about the counselling today but he now says he refuses to go back. He felt ganged up on and attacked and thinks I should just open my eyes and be happy to be married.

    These are a few big things that stood out to me that you wrote above. I have omitted the parts that weren't alarming to me personally.

    Has your husband been to see a psychiatrist by himself? Perhaps he may feel more confident going to an apointment first of all by himself then you go along to an appointment with him down the track.
    As the things you have said that i found alarming, seem to point to something more than just a family member gossiping about you to him on the phone.
    I would try and think of a way of suggesting to him that he go and see someone new, (maybe add since he doesnt want to go back to that counselor) and choose a psychiatrist instead.
    If he is having irrational thoughts, as you say, that are then accusations that he truelly believes are real, on top of being paranoid that anyone, male or female, straight or gay may take you away from him, the big exaggerations, the feeling ganged up on and so on, he may actually have some form of mental illness here.

    Try and offer him your support still and see if you can encourage him to see someone alone as he may cope better 1 on 1, then he can introduce you to the session when he is ready.

    That's the path i would go first if it were me.

    Good luck xx

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  14. #9
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    I feel like this is probably a bit out of my depth - I am still quite young and am unmarried... and so probably shouldn't comment. But there is one thought that I had that so far hasn't been expressed... and I think it is an important one.

    ... and that is that this emotional blow up is still very recent! The passion that you described (in both his love and his jealousy) no doubt carries over into all of his reactions! What you are seeing now is probably not the version of himself that he is trying to become.

    Giving up drinking is not an easy thing to do, and the fact that he agreed to go to counselling in the first place (and that it was working) shows that he is willing to put in effort for the relationship - but changing deep things about yourself is very hard work, and anyone who has tried to do it themselves will know that when you are pushed too far, or you just run out of energy, it is very easy to slip up and let out some of your more natural tendencies. Maybe he just needs some time to regather himself...

    I think that the idea for him to get personal counselling is a fantastic one, and one that I never would have thought of (may keep that gem in the bank for if I ever need it).

    It takes a strong and very special person to take on the weight of another persons personal growth... and I think sometimes it can pay off in the most beautiful way. Other times it can just be destructive for both people... like someone else said, the glimpse of your relationship that you have given here is not enough for anyone to have any real input. Only you can decide what is right for you.

    I wish the three of you all the best!

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    You cant change someone that doesnt want to change. The change has to come from them and be on their own initiative. It needs to be personal growth, not doing it for someone else.

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