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  1. #11
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    Address the lying first - that's the main issue. If he was honest about it you wouldn't be in this mess.. It's hard to separate the two, I know. If you try and separate the issues i.e. Lying then money it might not seem so huge to tackle. Big definitely, but not huge.
    Hugs. It's hard!

  2. #12
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    Default Anyone dealing with a childish partner?

    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    So he's sooking bc he's continuing to over spend after ruining your finances while you were on mat leave and you had something to say about that? That's audacious. Tell him to stop acting like a child and you'll stop treating him like one.

    And how did he mess up the finances so bad? Clearly he's been spending behind your back? You either have the finances for you to be at home on mat leave or you don't. Clearly you did, so why did he get you into so much debt? I think you are being far kinder in his intentions with both the spending and covering it up than I would be.
    We had enough for me to be on maternity leave, but the business went south while I was on leave and he got a loan and credit card to cover the business expenses & didn't tell me, then was unable to repay the credit and loan, and I found out from a letter that we owed money & we were behind in rent for the business, our house, solicitors fees.. The list goes on, we are thousands behind. Because he didn't tell me, I was under the impression all was fine & all vendors dealt with him, but when he couldn't pay, I started to receive calls, and in turn because I didn't know, my wage wasn't going towards any of those, I was covering daycare & my own 'living' expenses, and living quite liberally (ie buying coffee or lunch everyday, not stressing about money) while he was 'living' on nothing. I'm trying to be kind with regards to the money because while it's unfathomable to me that he lied to me for so long (my absolute pet hate), I do see that he regrets his actions. I just feel he needs to put his big boy pants on & deal with the reality - he f&@ked our finances and he alone, because he gave me the impression it was all rosy - had he not done that we wouldn't be paying $1800 a week in catch up, I'd have returned to work earlier, and I wouldn't be so stressed. But it's a catch 22 because he can't deal with being the one who messed it all up, because his ego is so precious. I think counselling might help him come back to reality a little, and I think it's probably the right step for us. He has already agreed to it when this came to light, however I've just been focussed on the finances for now.

    ETA: We've operated on separate finances mainly, with a joint account for household bills which was always covered, so I was pretty much none the wiser! Also my maternity leave savings were just in my account.
    Last edited by lulupetal; 04-06-2016 at 16:48.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by ButterflyMa View Post
    Address the lying first - that's the main issue. If he was honest about it you wouldn't be in this mess.. It's hard to separate the two, I know. If you try and separate the issues i.e. Lying then money it might not seem so huge to tackle. Big definitely, but not huge.
    Hugs. It's hard!
    Thank you. It is hard to separate the two because they directly relate, but it is probably best to try and do that. x

  4. #14
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    Hun just want to throw something out there I may be off base, if so take the advice with a grain of salt.

    Any chance you're hubby is doing it tough? Felling down on himself? In today's society it's very hard for men to admit they can't 'provide' for their family. Maybe the lying was a symptom of guilt, embarrassment and/or depression?

    Maybe not being able to spend a few $ on a coffee and a few bits and pieces was just the final nail in the "I've failed wtf has my life come to" coffin?

    Not saying this to be narky, rather from personal experience. It's tough coming back from mat leave and paying full fee for 2 x kids in daycare once the rebate runs out. A few weeks I've had to scrimp coins for coffee. Sometimes I didn't get one. What the heck did I study for many years, establish a good career for if I can't afford myself one simple luxury each day - a damn coffee. Lightbulb moment for me. I would rather hubby have sat down and made overarching big game changing suggestions for the budget (eg rent our house, sell the car, get a second job, buy groceries elsewhere). If he told me not to get a coffee I would have ripped him a new one whether that was the right thing to do or not.

    Hope this helps.

  5. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    Little Miss Sunshine  (04-06-2016),lulupetal  (05-06-2016),mummymaybe  (04-06-2016),Ngaiz  (04-06-2016)

  6. #15
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    Ahhh ok, that puts it in context. Still, at the end of the day your family has to claw back this debt. Spending on silly stuff is just lengthening the time it takes.

  7. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Hun just want to throw something out there I may be off base, if so take the advice with a grain of salt.

    Any chance you're hubby is doing it tough? Felling down on himself? In today's society it's very hard for men to admit they can't 'provide' for their family. Maybe the lying was a symptom of guilt, embarrassment and/or depression?

    Maybe not being able to spend a few $ on a coffee and a few bits and pieces was just the final nail in the "I've failed wtf has my life come to" coffin?

    Not saying this to be narky, rather from personal experience. It's tough coming back from mat leave and paying full fee for 2 x kids in daycare once the rebate runs out. A few weeks I've had to scrimp coins for coffee. Sometimes I didn't get one. What the heck did I study for many years, establish a good career for if I can't afford myself one simple luxury each day - a damn coffee. Lightbulb moment for me. I would rather hubby have sat down and made overarching big game changing suggestions for the budget (eg rent our house, sell the car, get a second job, buy groceries elsewhere). If he told me not to get a coffee I would have ripped him a new one whether that was the right thing to do or not.

    Hope this helps.
    Thanks for this VP, he is feeling very deflated and like he has failed us. I'm trying not to harbour any anger towards him, I did try and put it plainly but my frustration probably showed. I am looking over our budget this weekend and I think I'll have to extend our 'living' money so he feels there is some benefit to him working so hard. He works a lot, is usually up at 5 everyday and has taken time off his day job to focus on the business and getting more clients in the door. His intention was right, but with us both working the business is failing. The aim is for me to run it, but we need my income at the moment so it's a catch 22. Very frustrating!

    Thanks for the alternate perspective


 

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