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  1. #71
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    I admit I was taken back by your posts. As a woman that hasn't been through IVF but has been through HsG's, laporoscopies let me tell you it isn't pleasant on any level and the notion that it may be viewed as sexual made me cringe.

    But I agree with BlondeinBrisvegas. I think you have feelings of guilt over it being male factor and feel emasculated. As a women who had male factor (my DH has awful motility) firstly I do understand - my DH had similar feelings. That he wasn't a man, that he was a failure. He didn't however have these feelings of jealousy over procedures. Second, as a woman who went through a fair bit emotionally and physically bc of male factor.... I'm not angry/upset at my husband. I never saw him in a negative light. yes all the procedures sucked terribly. But it wasn't his fault. Nor is it yours.

    I think you have some issues you seriously need to sort through. For you and your wife. She is going through enough right now and you most certainly are being irrational. She needs your support. But... I do feel some empathy for you. Men tend to force complex emotions back in favour of more primitive, 'masculine' emotions like anger and jealousy.

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  3. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    Just on this, going through my posts you will find posts from another poster named 'sharvs' who is definitely not me and never has been me. I think it does happen when people have similar user names.

    Anyway, OP I think @BlondeinBrisvegas showed a lot of insight in her post. You recognise that your feelings are irrational which is a start and going from subsequent posts you come across as a little over emotional. Is it possible everything is starting to overwhelm you? I can't imagine going through miscarriages like that but I have been through a separation and know how tough that is emotionally. This seems like one thing you feel like you have control over, when lots of other things seem so out of your control.

    You are lucky that your partner seems so understanding of you at the moment, but there may come a point where she's had enough and won't tolerate it any more. I can assure you that if she were to become distressed during labour and her or your child's life were at risk, then you wouldn't be bothered about the gender of the doctor that saved them. Just get help. It's that simple.
    Regarding the username issue, I agree with you. I don't know how their system works but it's likely the search engine brings up not only searched for terms, but also similar terms.

    As for your comments, thanks for your opinion.

    It has been suggested by another poster (sorry, memory like a fish) and now also BlondeinBrisVegas that because I am the problem medically, I am feeling emasculated about another man having to complete what I cannot.

    Even thinking about it makes me feel anger.

    I think the issue has been identified and now I need to see what can be done, if anything, for me to get around it.

    I cannot say either way, but perhaps it is all quite overwhelming. I don't know.

    As for my partner, she is the reason I am posting here. I'm trying to find help for this issue before our relationship needs help.

    In an emergency I guess there isn't really any time to think. I would like to think that I would not think twice about it. I do know that I would not stand in the way of needed care regardless of who's providing it. What I don't know is how I would feel about it afterwards.

    With the issue likely identified I would like to say that a male in an emergency setting would be a non event for me. I just don't know and I hope that I never find out.

    Thanks for your input.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BlondeinBrisvegas View Post
    Actually...I didn't find it offensive or possessive at all.

    I thought it was rather sweet and perhaps possibly a translation thing if English wasn't your first language??
    I am glad you liked it. I mean it endearingly. I just chose a term that puts her up high where she belongs.

    I'm as Aussie as they come. Although I am first born Australian in my family, with most coming from South Africa and Rhodesia, our roots are British and Scottish.

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  6. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by TCK View Post
    I am glad you liked it. I mean it endearingly. I just chose a term that puts her up high where she belongs.

    I'm as Aussie as they come. Although I am first born Australian in my family, with most coming from South Africa and Rhodesia, our roots are British and Scottish.
    That was my interpretation of your use of the term😊

    As for your heritage....I just didn't want to assume as we're such a multicultural country you just never know these days where a persons country of birth may be😊

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  8. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by TCK View Post

    We can't afford private health so when this baby is born, how do we/I deal with the public system of men shoving their fingers inside her for the 10th time that week the check for whatever bull**** reason they can come up with?
    Do you really think trained medical professionals make up reasons to do vaginal examinations??

    If you go into something with a suspicious mind, you'll see lots of things that just weren't there, in my opinion (eg smirks and smiles).

    Is this part of the reason for you/her wanting a homebirth? Greater control?

    For what it's worth, i had a male midwife look after me for some of my antenatal care ( including a stretch and sweep trying to encourage labour) and he was great.

  9. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by JustJaq View Post
    I wonder if you DP or DW (dear partner or dear wife) wants a homebirth as a way of managing your anxiety?

    I have to say, I've found your posts and point of view a bit... ick.

    Protectiveness and a short step away from possessiveness and controlling behaviours.

    Were you like this before fertility issues started?

    It's good that you've recognized your troughts aren't rational though.

    The best thing you can do, as previous posters have said, is seek some counselling for yourself. I suspect a previous poster has hit the nail on the head though: you probably resent feeling usurped by other men, partucularly since there's male factor infertility involved.

    Amateur Bubhub psychoanalysis is no substitute for proper counselling though.
    I wasn't like this before fertility problems. I wasn't like this with any ex girlfriends. I wasn't like this with my ex wife. Except for a specific issue with one of my DPs male friends I have no other problems with men. If another fellow hits on my DP without knowing she's taken, then all fine. If he keeps going after learning or if he goes for it knowing full well she is with me, well then we have a problem.

    Point being, only since fertility issues has this issue arisen.

    The home birth is something we discussed long before our fertility problems. We got pregnant accidentally in December 2014 (the reason I created an account with BH).

    She told me what she wanted and we both agreed on what would be a good plan. I didn't try to change or compromise on any of her wishes as we agreed on them all.

    The home water birth is something she's always wanted or at least a water birth in a hospital. I know it doesn't always turn out that way but for now, it's the goal. It's her goal and was aimed for before she even knew me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JustJaq View Post
    Do you really think trained medical professionals make up reasons to do vaginal examinations??

    If you go into something with a suspicious mind, you'll see lots of things that just weren't there, in my opinion (eg smirks and smiles).

    Is this part of the reason for you/her wanting a homebirth? Greater control?

    For what it's worth, i had a male midwife look after me for some of my antenatal care ( including a stretch and sweep trying to encourage labour) and he was great.
    I have tried to account for the fact I was quite agitated and uncomfortable with the male dr being there. Keeping that in mind I am willing to accept that I did not see what I think I saw.

    I don't think I have mentioned unnecessary examinations in my posts. Maybe I have. I'm not sure. But that's not really the issue that I have been facing.

    I covered the home birth in more detail in my post just previous to this. You would not have seen it as I was still typing when your post came though. But in short, no. The home water birth was and is completely her idea. Nothing to do with me and everything to do with her own uncompromised wishes.

    Never heard of a stretch and sweep.

  11. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamasupial View Post
    No... It is your current account, you have simply changed your user name. At the top of the screen it has your user name.

    I have previously changed my user name and you can still view my old posts from my old user name.
    Just clearing this up.....the member only has one account and it has not been merged with any previous accounts, nor has the member changed user names. The member's first post was posted in 2014.

    I wouldn't normally post that info in the forum but I think it's important to clarify.
    Cheers all,
    Biscotti

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    Curious, you mention going through 5 miscarriages with previous partners, did you feel this way during the IVF process with them? (I assume these were IVF babies also, as you mentioned previously that it's you with a medical problem and talk openly about your feelings of guilt).

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I admit I was taken back by your posts. As a woman that hasn't been through IVF but has been through HsG's, laporoscopies let me tell you it isn't pleasant on any level and the notion that it may be viewed as sexual made me cringe.

    But I agree with BlondeinBrisvegas. I think you have feelings of guilt over it being male factor and feel emasculated. As a women who had male factor (my DH has awful motility) firstly I do understand - my DH had similar feelings. That he wasn't a man, that he was a failure. He didn't however have these feelings of jealousy over procedures. Second, as a woman who went through a fair bit emotionally and physically bc of male factor.... I'm not angry/upset at my husband. I never saw him in a negative light. yes all the procedures sucked terribly. But it wasn't his fault. Nor is it yours.

    I think you have some issues you seriously need to sort through. For you and your wife. She is going through enough right now and you most certainly are being irrational. She needs your support. But... I do feel some empathy for you. Men tend to force complex emotions back in favour of more primitive, 'masculine' emotions like anger and jealousy.
    I have been having the same feelings you describe as your DH.

    Failure. Not masculine.

    These procedures are not sexual in nature. Not for me, definitely not for her.

    But I still can't shake that I am not comfortable having male fertility/gynaecology Drs unless there is an emergency.


 
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