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  1. #11
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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    You know what? I never felt violated, dirty or uncomfortable. But reading your interpretation of it, I do .
    I'm sorry my BS radar (which I have to say is usually pretty darn accurate) is going off. I have to wonder if this type of reaction was the posters intention. Which is why you never post personal details of your life or photos of your kids on this forum ladies!
    Last edited by VicPark; 29-05-2016 at 00:41.

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    Hmm...sorry OP but *you* seem to be sexualising this situation. You partner, the nurses and the Doctor were there for a medical/fertility treatment and, yes, that involves access to the patient's vagina.

    Sorry, but it seems like this whole experience was all about you and that your beliefs about the male doctor's intentions were misguided at best, and controlling at worst.
    Albert01,

    This I what I am fearing and I am aware of its implications.

    I don't want to have these thoughts.

    The nurses present were great. No problems.

    I had a problem with the male. I won't name names nor the clinic. They have all been great.

    The problem here is all me.

    I am not and have never been the controlling type. I do however have a need to know what's going on, even if I have no real say in it, I am more comfortable just knowing.

    If I were able to rationalise these feelings and put them in the box they should be in, then I would not have even posted.

    I am afraid of the idea that you may be right though. That's why I'm asking. I may be sexualising this whole thing.

    I am scared. I am not this person.

  4. #13
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    This is grotesque. It's a medical situation, there's nothing sexual going on.

    And if there was anyway, it could equally come from a female or a male you know?!

    I agree with VP, you need some help, for your partner's sake.

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  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by TCK View Post
    . I may be sexualising this whole thing.
    .
    No **** Sherlock!

    See your GP who can provide you with a mental health care plan which will help you moreso that any woman on this forum can.

  7. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Just saw your subsequent post. Honestly, I think you need some counselling about this. Over 4 kids I lost track of the number of men who, as you delicately put it, shoved their fingers up me.

    You know what? I never felt violated, dirty or uncomfortable. But reading your interpretation of it, I do. It's not like that at all.

    You need help with this as its not really helping your partner to be this controlling.
    Thank you Sonja. I am afraid that I agree with you.

    Perhaps I just needed some sort of validation.

    I am not this person.

    I have been married before. With my partner at that time for over 10 years.

    I am the father of 5 miscarriages. No children.

    After divorce for other reasons I am now finally with the woman of my dreams.

    I am **** scared of losing her over something as stupid as this.

    I am not stupid. This is not rational. I'm clutching at anything I can grab to try to stick a pin in this stupid irrational emotion to be able to move away from it.

  8. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I'm sorry my BS radar (which I have to say is usually pretty darn accurate) is going off. I have to wonder if this type of reaction was the posters intention. Which is why you never post personal details of your life or photos of your kids on this forum ladies!
    Omg VicPark. Please don't.

    I don't want a reaction. I want an honest answer. You've given me that.

    I want help and you ridicule?

    Who are you inside?

    A woman come for help and she gets unconditional support.

    I am a 33 year old man with a 35 year old Lady. I have been the father of 5 miscarriages. 1 with an ex girlfriend. 3 with my ex wife and 1 with my current and hopefully my lifetime partner.

    I am a man asking for help and you ridicule me.

    Would you like a picture of me in tears right now??

    I'll send you a picture of my drivers licence too if you like, to prove myself.

  9. #17
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    Ok firstly I think maybe you should talk to someone about your feelings. You've already identified that they're irrational and you feel angry. Best get this sorted before it becomes a bigger issue for you.

    I highly doubt the doctor would have been smirking or being suggestive to the nurse while attending to your partners examination. If the doctor was "learning" it doesn't mean he's not done it before. Chances are he's an obstetrician also and has seen thousands of vaginas in his time, performed speculum examinations, done Pap smears etc so he wouldn't have been a novice at those things. It might be the process of the actual fertility stuff he's learning. Everyone has to learn somewhere! Perhaps what you interpreted as inappropriate was his response to feeling uncomfortable, particularly if your body language was as defensive as you thought. Try to remember that you all share a common goal. Forget about what's happening at the bottom of the bed. Focus on your partner. Hold her hand, talk to her, reassure her that everything is ok. As a female going through fertility treatments I can assure you that nothing that happens below that sheet is enjoyable and it would make me upset to have my partner turn the whole thing around to how it made HIM feel. Not that I'm saying you can't have feelings about it, but try to focus on the bigger picture.

    I will try to reassure you as best I can. No one will be "shoving their fingers inside her" at any point of the pregnancy, regardless of whether you are a public or private patient. When an internal/vaginal examination is required it will be done with consent and as gentle as possible. To midwives and obstetricians a vagina is a vagina. Nothing more, nothing less. There is nothing sexual about it and no one will be getting off on looking at it. To be honest, I don't even look when I'm doing an examination apart from when I first put my fingers in. I will walk out of that room and not be able to tell you what the woman's vagina/genitals even looked like. It's just not like that. Also, if you go through the public system, majority of your care will be with a midwife. There are a handful of male midwives around, but the vast majority are females. This would mean that it's unlikely a male would even have to go near your partners nether regions unless there was a complication during the pregnancy or at delivery. Surely in those situations where the safety of mum and bub are the number 1 priority, you can let that feeling go? If you really do have some deep seated issues regarding the whole process, perhaps discuss with your partner models of care for during her pregnancy. A group practice model might suit for continuity of care - a known midwife for the pregnancy, delivery and postnatal period. Something to think about at least.

  10. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to M'LadyEm For This Useful Post:

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  11. #18
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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Quote Originally Posted by M'LadyEm View Post
    Ok firstly I think maybe you should talk to someone about your feelings. You've already identified that they're irrational and you feel angry. Best get this sorted before it becomes a bigger issue for you.

    I highly doubt the doctor would have been smirking or being suggestive to the nurse while attending to your partners examination. If the doctor was "learning" it doesn't mean he's not done it before. Chances are he's an obstetrician also and has seen thousands of vaginas in his time, performed speculum examinations, done Pap smears etc so he wouldn't have been a novice at those things. It might be the process of the actual fertility stuff he's learning. Everyone has to learn somewhere! Perhaps what you interpreted as inappropriate was his response to feeling uncomfortable, particularly if your body language was as defensive as you thought. Try to remember that you all share a common goal. Forget about what's happening at the bottom of the bed. Focus on your partner. Hold her hand, talk to her, reassure her that everything is ok. As a female going through fertility treatments I can assure you that nothing that happens below that sheet is enjoyable and it would make me upset to have my partner turn the whole thing around to how it made HIM feel. Not that I'm saying you can't have feelings about it, but try to focus on the bigger picture.

    I will try to reassure you as best I can. No one will be "shoving their fingers inside her" at any point of the pregnancy, regardless of whether you are a public or private patient. When an internal/vaginal examination is required it will be done with consent and as gentle as possible. To midwives and obstetricians a vagina is a vagina. Nothing more, nothing less. There is nothing sexual about it and no one will be getting off on looking at it. To be honest, I don't even look when I'm doing an examination apart from when I first put my fingers in. I will walk out of that room and not be able to tell you what the woman's vagina/genitals even looked like. It's just not like that. Also, if you go through the public system, majority of your care will be with a midwife. There are a handful of male midwives around, but the vast majority are females. This would mean that it's unlikely a male would even have to go near your partners nether regions unless there was a complication during the pregnancy or at delivery. Surely in those situations where the safety of mum and bub are the number 1 priority, you can let that feeling go? If you really do have some deep seated issues regarding the whole process, perhaps discuss with your partner models of care for during her pregnancy. A group practice model might suit for continuity of care - a known midwife for the pregnancy, delivery and postnatal period. Something to think about at least.
    Oh wow.

    Thank you.

    I'm crying more than VicPark made me.

    Can barely see the phone now. Trying to not wake the Lady up next to me.

    I know he was a qualified Dr., past that I don't know.

    I said "yes" for that exact reason. That everyone has to learn somewhere. I didn't say "no" because of that and because I thought it would be rude.

    The bigger picture. That's what my partner says. But I get stuck on the details. I always do in most aspects of my life.

    My body language was very defensive. I would not be surprised if I made him uncomfortable. In fact I would be surprised if I didn't. I would have saved us all the trouble if I had politely declined his presence. It was up to me in the end. But I failed.

    I was trying to do the things you said. I was holding her hand, I was checking she was ok. Slight pain with the speculum. None with the catheter. Trying to watch the screen that the nurse was providing with the ultrasound wand. Listening to the nurse. But I had a black cloud around me.

    I bottled it all and tried to focus on the good. I failed.

    I am ecstatic that this has happened. Scared that there will be a sixth failure. But hoping for the best. I've only ever wanted to have a family of my own.

    You mention examinations, this leads me to believe you are an Obstetrician/Gynaecologist/Fertility Specialist?

    My comment of "shoving fingers" seems rather crass upon reading it back from you. I should perhaps have not said it this way, though from a male perspective it kinda seems accurate. Every video I have watched and text I have read says otherwise, but I don't have a vagina.

    I do however question the female viewpoint of a vaginal examination vs a male viewpoint. I cannot speak for the female side in a much similar fashion that I would expect you couldn't speak for the male side. I say this based on your post handle 'M'LadyEm'.

    I am yet to meet a man, that once on a mildly familiar level with another that won't make some form of comment regarding a female encountered at some point. I believe this is the basis of my problem.

    I cannot claim to "know men". Everyone is different. But I do have a fair idea.

    Moving from that viewpoint, you reassurance is the best I have ever received. It has made me feel a little easier. The reason I ask about myself is not for myself. I could probably live like this if I were alone and think nothing of it. But I am not alone and I have a person that chooses to be with me everyday. I ask for myself so that I may change these problems that will affect her so that I may support her better. I have family around me, parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, but his Lady is my world. I want to give the best I possibly can, but that goal is creating a paradox where the goal is creating the issue. I have to stop it now.

    As for an emergency I believe these feelings all but disappear. I still don't like the idea, but if a man can keep my Lady and/or my child alive in an emergency, then I I don't believe this issue would be top of mind by a long shot.

    But where there's a choice involved, my choice is clear. My Lady has made it abundantly clear that she is not fazed if the Dr. is male or female. She is happy to see a female if it makes me more comfortable. She's amazing like that. I just faltered because I said "yes" when I should have said "no" and it's eating me.

    The Lady wants a home water birth. I support that. The hospital is 15 mins away if things go awry. I have already had a brief look around at midwife services in our area and there are a few able to reach us.

    If the birth for some reason ended up in a hospital with no complications I think I would be too scared to request a female dr./midwife but I know that afterwards I will be going through the same thing again.

    At the end of the day, this is about the wonderful Lady sleeping beside me right now and the embryo in her belly. I understand that. But where do I fit?

    Thank you M'LadyEm.

    My face is dry and maybe I can figure out how to support her more.

    Thank you for helping. You have made a difference.
    Last edited by TCK; 29-05-2016 at 02:40.

  12. #19
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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Seriously dude. *If* you are a genuine poster you view of things is controlling gross, distorted and offensive. Get yourself some freakin help *before* you have kids.
    Thanks VicPark for taking the time to respond to my plea for help.

    I take from you which I need, but it seems the fact is that you are much stronger than most people here, including myself.

    I wish I had your 'matter of fact' strength, or perhaps only part of it.

    I came here for relief to pass on to my more significant other.

    Don't bother posting again. You are not helping in the slightest.
    Last edited by TCK; 29-05-2016 at 02:41.

  13. #20
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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Quote Originally Posted by TCK View Post

    My comment of "shoving fingers" seems rather crass upon reading it back from you. I should perhaps have not said it this way, though from a male perspective it kinda seems accurate. Every video I have watched and text I have read says otherwise, but I don't have a vagina.

    I do however question the female viewpoint of a vaginal examination vs a male viewpoint. I cannot speak for the female side in a much similar fashion that I would expect you couldn't speak for the male side. I say this based on your post handle 'M'LadyEm'.

    I am yet to meet a man, that once on a mildly familiar level with another that won't make some form of comment regarding a female encountered at some point. I believe this is the basis of my problem.

    I cannot claim to "know men". Everyone is different. But I do have a fair idea.

    My work means I see both male and female bodies often naked or semi clothed. I can assure you I have never and would never take any notice of or discuss anything I see with anyone other than for purely medical reasons.

    When your jobs means you see this stuff everyday it just doesn't rate a mention.

    I'm guessing the men you are referring to aren't nurses or doctors but just mates which is completely different. While I think discussing intimate sexual encounters over a beer is disgusting I know it happens and also know it is very very different from a medical professional doing their job. It isn't sexual it isn't exciting it work!!!!!
    Last edited by mummymaybe; 30-05-2016 at 13:52.


 

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