So we have finally reached the stage of implantation. We (She) got through all the injections and such, went through the egg collection under general anaesthesia which was a preference of mainly myself but she was also relieved to do. My Lovely Lady would have gone through an awake collection if she had to but had previously told me that she would not... Until we found out full service IVF prices in Aus.
I was an anxious wreck but we got though it. No fights, no issues, even through all the emotion/hormone altering drugs.
It was quite a cruise.
We collected 6 eggs and the next day we found that four had fertilised through ICSI. Yay!!!!!!
I'm so happy for this result. I truly am.
I came slightly unhinged when she had her HSG to check her tube potency. But I managed to get through it. My anxiety is a fear of her feeling pain when she shouldn't need to. HSG I found out afterwards as I wasn't able to be there, was quite painful.
Sounds like this is all about me, but it's actually all about her.
We fast forward to the transfer.
A happy day.
I might finally be a father and the Lady of my dreams will be the mother of out child.
The clinic we are going to are amazing. All females (helps me out, Lady doesn't care. ), they are all really sympathetic/empathetic and we both get along with them really well. We feel comfortable.
The nurse tells us that they have a new Dr. with them that day learning all things fertility. Immediately my partner looks at me and the nurse asks if I'm ok with it.
I say that it's up to my partner, knowing that she would be fine with it.
I am not fine with it.
But I'm convince them and myself that I will be.
That this is an irrational issue I have and it is my own problem to get over.
The nurse asks what the problem is and I tell her that "I get a bit protective".
Now I don't have an issue with male Drs. I don't have an issue with her male friends. If she wants to go out, I encourage it and have a few beers in front of the tv. I even offer to pick her up if she likes when she finished if she wants.
So this male Dr comes in and introduces himself. He is quite professional.
My body language is very defensive. I know this as I know my body language well through the breeding and training of dogs. They don't understand English. They understand body language.
I notice that he's picked up on this through my peripheral vision (him and nurse sitting next to each other).
We move to the room with the chair and once pants are removed in private and the Lady is on the chair, appropriately draped in private, then the two nurses come in and him.
He positioned himself in the corner, fairly unable to see my partners nakedness. I start to relax. I know he's there to learn but I'm expecting he's picked up on my moderate uneasiness of his presence.
But the nurse doing the teaching while doing what she's meant to lifts the sheet. Then shortly lifts it further. Until it may as well have not been there.
I was constantly checking that my partner was ok. She's my number 1.
But I could barely move my eyes from him.
What kills me is that I gave the ok for him to be there. I was given several opportunities to say no. I said yes because I thought it might be rude and I rationalise that he has to learn somehow.
Truth is, I was so focussed on him peering over the sheet and looking at my partner with her legs spread that I missed pretty much the whole procedure.
A time that should be unclouded happiness is now shrouded in a jealousy that I cannot shake.
My partner is not concerned who does the job as long as it's done. She's focussed on the end goal and I want to agree with that viewpoint.
I can't get rid of this and it is killing me and hurting her.
Why can't I shake this? Why can't I see this occasion and his presence for what it really was?
I said to my partner afterwards that I can't ever tolerate another male gyno or male fertility dr. She is so amazing like this and said that my wishes were not a problem. I completely believe her and my comment is truly a non event in our relationship.
I need to move forward and support her in the two week wait and hopefully for the rest of our lives in this pregnancy and child.
I want to punch myself for saying yes for this dr.
Please help me.