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  1. #1
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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Hi People's,

    So we have finally reached the stage of implantation. We (She) got through all the injections and such, went through the egg collection under general anaesthesia which was a preference of mainly myself but she was also relieved to do. My Lovely Lady would have gone through an awake collection if she had to but had previously told me that she would not... Until we found out full service IVF prices in Aus.

    I was an anxious wreck but we got though it. No fights, no issues, even through all the emotion/hormone altering drugs.

    It was quite a cruise.

    We collected 6 eggs and the next day we found that four had fertilised through ICSI. Yay!!!!!!

    I'm so happy for this result. I truly am.

    I came slightly unhinged when she had her HSG to check her tube potency. But I managed to get through it. My anxiety is a fear of her feeling pain when she shouldn't need to. HSG I found out afterwards as I wasn't able to be there, was quite painful.

    Sounds like this is all about me, but it's actually all about her.

    We fast forward to the transfer.

    A happy day.

    I might finally be a father and the Lady of my dreams will be the mother of out child.

    The clinic we are going to are amazing. All females (helps me out, Lady doesn't care. ), they are all really sympathetic/empathetic and we both get along with them really well. We feel comfortable.

    The nurse tells us that they have a new Dr. with them that day learning all things fertility. Immediately my partner looks at me and the nurse asks if I'm ok with it.

    I say that it's up to my partner, knowing that she would be fine with it.

    I am not fine with it.

    But I'm convince them and myself that I will be.

    That this is an irrational issue I have and it is my own problem to get over.

    The nurse asks what the problem is and I tell her that "I get a bit protective".

    Now I don't have an issue with male Drs. I don't have an issue with her male friends. If she wants to go out, I encourage it and have a few beers in front of the tv. I even offer to pick her up if she likes when she finished if she wants.

    So this male Dr comes in and introduces himself. He is quite professional.

    My body language is very defensive. I know this as I know my body language well through the breeding and training of dogs. They don't understand English. They understand body language.

    I notice that he's picked up on this through my peripheral vision (him and nurse sitting next to each other).

    We move to the room with the chair and once pants are removed in private and the Lady is on the chair, appropriately draped in private, then the two nurses come in and him.

    He positioned himself in the corner, fairly unable to see my partners nakedness. I start to relax. I know he's there to learn but I'm expecting he's picked up on my moderate uneasiness of his presence.

    But the nurse doing the teaching while doing what she's meant to lifts the sheet. Then shortly lifts it further. Until it may as well have not been there.

    I was constantly checking that my partner was ok. She's my number 1.

    But I could barely move my eyes from him.

    What kills me is that I gave the ok for him to be there. I was given several opportunities to say no. I said yes because I thought it might be rude and I rationalise that he has to learn somehow.

    Truth is, I was so focussed on him peering over the sheet and looking at my partner with her legs spread that I missed pretty much the whole procedure.

    A time that should be unclouded happiness is now shrouded in a jealousy that I cannot shake.

    My partner is not concerned who does the job as long as it's done. She's focussed on the end goal and I want to agree with that viewpoint.

    I can't get rid of this and it is killing me and hurting her.

    Why can't I shake this? Why can't I see this occasion and his presence for what it really was?

    I said to my partner afterwards that I can't ever tolerate another male gyno or male fertility dr. She is so amazing like this and said that my wishes were not a problem. I completely believe her and my comment is truly a non event in our relationship.

    I need to move forward and support her in the two week wait and hopefully for the rest of our lives in this pregnancy and child.

    I want to punch myself for saying yes for this dr.

    Please help me.

  2. #2
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    Good on you for being honest. You and your Lady have clearly gone through so much!

    I'm talking from a female point of view so I don't know how much it will help but I'll try my best to explain how I deal with male doctors.

    Females are supposed to have Pap smears every 2 years once they become sexually active. I've been internally examined probably since I was 19...you have to learn quickly to separate in your brain someone looking at and touching you in a sexual way and someone looking at and touching you in a clinical way. Most females prefer female doctors for this but we don't always get the choice.

    When I have a male dr I just remind myself that he's a professional, he sees many of these a day and if I'm relaxed it won't be painful. He is examining for a reason and focusing on that, nothing else.

    Men and women's brain do view things differently. It sounds like you've been so supportive of your Lady so far...keep doing this. You want the absolute best care for her and you don't know what gender, race or age that will come in. (The reality is, there are more make specialists out there)

    Throughout the pregnancy and labour, internal examinations will occur and you'll never know who you are going to get. Instead of looking at the dr (and potentially making him nervous), look at your wife and connect that way and that's where your focus should be.

    I don't know if this has helped in anyway. You can't change how you acted/felt but acknowledging it and then planning how you'll cope in events ahead might help.

    Imagine if you had to have regular internal examinations up your bum to stay alive/healthy....it wouldn't be great but you'd do all you could to relax so the dr could do the best job they can.

    Good luck for the rest of your journey 😊

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    TCK  (29-05-2016)

  4. #3
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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Good on you for being honest. Not sure what I can say though other than before your baby making journey progresses any further please see a professional and get yourself some help. Your notes are your feelings however they don't strike me as being rational or normal. Best to work through that before you have a kid.

    Good luck xx

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    Hmm...sorry OP but *you* seem to be sexualising this situation. You partner, the nurses and the Doctor were there for a medical/fertility treatment and, yes, that involves access to the patient's vagina.

    Sorry, but it seems like this whole experience was all about you and that your beliefs about the male doctor's intentions were misguided at best, and controlling at worst.

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  8. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    Sorry, but it seems like this whole experience was all about you and that your beliefs about the male doctor's intentions were misguided at best, and controlling at worst.
    Maybe post history can shed some light on this?

  9. #6
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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Thank you so much @Yogis Mumma for your response.

    Fortunately when it comes to my Lady, she is (or claims to be and I've no evidence to question ) quite unaffected by who does the procedure.

    At this juncture I am thinking about her, but I believe the problem is seated somewhere in my own protectiveness/ jealousy.

    I agree with you and make and female brains view things differently. I don't want to say this fellow was unprofessional as I don't think he was. It may be my own insecurities at play here, but I swear I saw small smirks/smiles while he was looking and 'learning'.

    As for race and age I don't see an issue. But for some reason, gender is a big problem for me.

    I posed the same question to myself last night...

    "What if I applied my problem inversely. What if I needed to see a Urologist? My only answer is that I would never ever show up to an appointment unless the dr is female." I asked my Lady this last night and she said she didn't mind who I saw. A wonderful outcome when accounting for my issue with male reproductive/urinary specialists. But unfortunately doesn't help solve my problem.

    You're right though in saying that this may help me plan for future events. I am thankful for the fact that the Dr. we had for our first (and hopefully only) cycle was a female. The collection could have been done by any of 6 Drs. The one my DP had was also the one we consulted with whom we both liked.

    What if that doesn't happen again?

    We can't afford private health so when this baby is born, how do we/I deal with the public system of Drs. doing an internal exam for the 10th time that week to check for whatever unknown reason they can come up with? I'm afraid of over examination. Something I've read a lot about, particularly with younger less experienced male Drs and attractive women.

    Ever since we first got pregnant (lost at 8 weeks) a switch flipped in my head and I no longer plan for next weekend. I have gone towards our retirement. I think about things that may not ever happen.

    I swear, I'm the manly truck driver that should be the woman in this relationship. She is so emotionally like I should be that's it's almost a complete role reversal.

    She is so amazing that I can't even fathom what she sees in me, but still I can't get past this crap.

    I need to find the switch... Find the part of my brain and cut it out.

    Thank you. I have been checking this thread every 2 minutes since I posted.
    Last edited by TCK; 31-05-2016 at 05:25.

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  11. #7
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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Quote Originally Posted by TCK View Post
    We can't afford private health so when this baby is born, how do we/I deal with the public system of men shoving their fingers inside her for the 10th time that week the check for whatever bull**** reason they can come up with?
    .
    Seriously dude. *If* you are a genuine poster you view of things is controlling gross, distorted and offensive. Get yourself some freakin help *before* you have kids.

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  13. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    Hmm...sorry OP but *you* seem to be sexualising this situation. You partner, the nurses and the Doctor were there for a medical/fertility treatment and, yes, that involves access to the patient's vagina.

    Sorry, but it seems like this whole experience was all about you and that your beliefs about the male doctor's intentions were misguided at best, and controlling at worst.
    I agree with this. I have only ever had male obstetricians and gynaecologists and they have always been completely professional. They are there to do a job and they do it as well as any female.

    at the end of the day isn't it important that your partner be comfortable with whoever is treating her and not be worried about your feelings about it? This can be a stressful time in everyone's life. There may be many males involved in your partners care if she is pregnant. Do you really want this to continue to be an issue?

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  15. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Good on you for being honest. Not sure what I can say though other than before your baby making journey progresses any further please see a professional and get yourself some help. Your notes are your feelings however they don't strike me as being rational or normal. Best to work through that before you have a kid.

    Good luck xx
    Thanks VicPark.

    This is my first step to try to get a grip on this.

    I recognise this problem here, hence my post.

    I have done a lot of googling and whilst I do somewhat agree with your viewpoint of these feelings of not being rational or normal, I have also found stories of a lot of men that have similar experiences to my own such as wives seeing male gynaecologists.

    What I am feeling is not rational. I don't believe that the trainee dr was looking at my partner the way that my psyche would have me believe.

    This is why I'm reaching out for help.

    Quite contradictorily, my two nieces love me to bits and I treat them like they are my own daughters. Having a child of of my own I don't foresee a problem.


    Thank you for your input. I am using all of this as a sounding board.

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    Default Irrational problem. Looking for anything to hold on to.

    Just saw your subsequent post. Honestly, I think you need some counselling about this. Over 4 kids I lost track of the number of men who, as you delicately put it, shoved their fingers up me.

    You know what? I never felt violated, dirty or uncomfortable. But reading your interpretation of it, I do. It's not like that at all.

    You need help with this as its not really helping your partner to be this controlling.

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