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  1. #1
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    Default Accepting help, wwyd?

    I'll preface this by saying I'm a naturally very anxious person and am probably over thinking this. DH and I are divided over this so looking for some outside opinions.

    I had my second child 2 months ago. I've found adjusting to life with 2 kids beyond difficult. I'm prone to depression so that might have something to do with why I'm struggling so much.

    DD1 is 3 years old and enrolled in daycare 2 days a week. Since DD2 was born my mother and MIL have offered to look after DD1 for one day a week each, leaving me to only have both girls on my own for one day a week.

    At first I was happy to accept the help but over time I've developed mixed feelings about it. As I said I'm prone to anxiety and over thinking. Some of the things I'm thinking/ feeling are:

    Guilt - I should be parenting my children on my own; everyone else can do it why can't I

    Sadness - I miss my DD on the days she's not with me

    Relief - I feel overwhelmed when I have both girls with me alone and end up taking it out on DH and basically just being a crying nervous wreck

    Frustration - both my mum and MIL overindulge my DD and don't enforce rules so when she comes home she's so hard to deal with

    I keep telling DH I'm going to keep DD home with me on her non daycare days but then I get anxiety about it. He knows me and knows how I am when I'm anxious and overwhelmed and thinks we should accept the help and not worry about the bad behavior from DD after she comes home from her grandparents places. FYI DD loves going to her grandmas houses so it's not causing her any stress at all.

    If you were me would you happily accept help in the form of free babysitting 2 days a week and not give it a second thought, or would you prefer to have your DD home with you even though you're very anxious about managing with 2 kids.

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    Default Accepting help, wwyd?

    Could you possibly have the grandmas look after her 1/2 days? So maybe 2 mornings or afternoons a week?

    Or 1 day each per fortnight/alternating weeks?

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    Could you spend half of the day that the grandmas have her at their house, so you're still with her but you have them there to help you?

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    What is harder, being anxious with having the 2 girls home with you or DD1 behavior once she gets home from her grandparents?

    I'm not sure how anxiety works so forgive me if what I'm saying doesn't work for you. Would getting used to having the girls both home be better for you in the long run? As you adjust to looking after both of them, you will feel more at ease with having 2 children on your own? What is it that makes you anxious? Any thing that could be changed to help your day run more smoothly? Eg. Before DH goes to work prepare all DD1 snacks and lunch for the day so when DD2 is feeding or upset, DD1 could have her food while you tend to DD2? I used to do this with my girls.

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    I only have one but I find frustration is the hardest to deal with, with Nan looking after ds 1.5-2 days a week. I no longer feel sad or guilty about it, not sure if it's different because I work or because I know ds loves Nan days and gets so much out of his childcare days. I find it really had to communicate expectations with my mum and when to let things slide.

    I think it's great that you have accepted help from your mum and mil...maybe you just haven't found the right balance yet?

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    Knowing how hard it was with one ( and no I'm not planning on signing up for 2) but I really appreciate company, so if grandmas would look after her at yours or u go to thiers or do 1/2 day away 1/2 day with extra help I would think that ideal....that solves ur worrying about being away from her, and give u company, and grandmas could pop in and out with her ( go to park etc) so u get breaks and alone time with Bub. Or take both and u can have a relaxing trip to woollies!

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyG4 View Post
    What is harder, being anxious with having the 2 girls home with you or DD1 behavior once she gets home from her grandparents?

    I'm not sure how anxiety works so forgive me if what I'm saying doesn't work for you. Would getting used to having the girls both home be better for you in the long run? As you adjust to looking after both of them, you will feel more at ease with having 2 children on your own? What is it that makes you anxious? Any thing that could be changed to help your day run more smoothly? Eg. Before DH goes to work prepare all DD1 snacks and lunch for the day so when DD2 is feeding or upset, DD1 could have her food while you tend to DD2? I used to do this with my girls.
    I tend to agree with this. I say this very delicately but I think it would be good for you to learn to manage both your girls at your home.

    When I had my 3rd we had just moved to the other side of the country and had no support. I wound up employing an older woman to come over for 3 hours in the evening to help me get through witching hour with 3 kids. She came 3-6 and it was a godsend.

    Could you ask your mother and mil to come over to your place and help you manage both girls rather than have you DD at their place all day?

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    I say accept the help! I have almost this exact situation. DS1 is in daycare for three days a week while mum takes him one day on top of that, and I have a three week old DD. Honestly? I love DS1 so much it hurts but he's driving me nuts. I'm snappy and short tempered around him, which makes me feel terrible. He's better off with other people until I'm getting more sleep.

    I would take all the help you can get, personally, that's what I'm doing and everyone is happy.

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    Ignore guilt- do what's best for your DD and yourself.

    If you're missing her maybe each week they alternate who takes her for a day? So rather than two days away she is only gone for 1 with them?

    If you're struggling, as horrible as this sounds, use the TV more?

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    I would use the time to book in some sessions with a psych to deal with your depression and anxiety.


 

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