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  1. #21
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    What is the function of her lying though? Even in cases of substantiated abuse, the courts only rule the AVO for her and allow him to keep seeing the kids, so it's not to stop him seeing his child. We don't live in Saudia Arabia, women can leave of their own accord, so it isn't just to get out of the marriage. To hurt him?

    Had he said that they had been having ongoing issues I would have believed the possibility that she was doing it out of spite but he says everything was hunky dory. Obviously I don't know your friend but I worked with a lot of abusers and if I had a dollar for every time I got the gas lighting "she's a nutcase, she's making it up to hurt me/bc she's mentally unwell" I'd be rich. Abusers tend to be charismatic and charming, if they weren't they would never entrap as many women as they do. I would say it's Occam's Razor here - the most obvious answer is the correct one - he's a closet abuser.

    As to what you can do for him - apart from be there, there isn't much. Personally I would be careful casting him as a victim as I suspect there is much more to come out before this is done and you are going to be shocked.

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  3. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    It sits uncomfortable with me for a male (ex) to PM a partnered female about his relationship woes. If his parents aren't around ... doesn't he have any other fiends?
    Really? Why is it any different to a woman doing the same?

  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Homeschooling4 View Post
    Yeah I get that some men are violent but hypertherically if he isn't (and I know he's not. You can all say/think whatever you want) what can he do?
    What happens when some makes false allegations against you?
    Nothing happens but it can be very, very expensive to defend. A lawyer is a must! He should listen to his lawyer. There is nothing that can be done until the court date, so he just has to wait.

  5. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Renn View Post
    Really? Why is it any different to a woman doing the same?
    Forget gender - for me it's about sharing intimate details of your life and forming an emotional bond with someone who is potentially banging material. The fact that the OP and K used to date is just icing on the ickiness.

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  7. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Homeschooling4 View Post
    He has a lawyer. Going to court June 14th. He has proof/evidence allegations aren't true.
    Out of curiosity, what evidence does he have that the allegations aren't true?

    I agree with PP, stay out of it but if you must, then be there as someone to lend an ear, and that's it. I wouldn't try to give him advice.

  8. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by witherwings View Post
    Out of curiosity, what evidence does he have that the allegations aren't true?

    .
    Probably has a text message from the wife from 2 years ago saying that she loves him and he is a great dad. From what I've seen abusers tend to take long straws and twist them to try and prove they are innocent. I think half the time they are deluded enough to believe what they are doing isn't abuse.

  9. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Homeschooling4 View Post
    Yeah I get that some men are violent but hypertherically if he isn't (and I know he's not. You can all say/think whatever you want) what can he do?
    What happens when some makes false allegations against you?
    Men who commit domestic violence aren't neccessarily men who you and I might perceive as 'violent' though. They don't walk around the streets dropping anyone they see to the ground.
    Men who commit domestic violence usually limit their violence to their romantic partner...and there are reasons for that.
    I understand that you were in a relationship with him when you were 15 and maybe he wasn't violent towards you, hopefully not. However, this doesn't mean that he hasn't been violent towards his wife. I'm sorry OP, you can say that you choose to believe that your friend isn't violent towards his wife but you cannot reasonably state that you *know* that he isn't violent within the context of his current relationship.
    Either way, supporting K doesn't mean you have to take a stance on the truth/lies of the situation. You could just listen and 'be there' for him. However, I'd encourage you to look after yourself because abusive people will often co-opt other people into their own battles.

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  11. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Probably has a text message from the wife from 2 years ago saying that she loves him and he is a great dad. From what I've seen abusers tend to take long straws and twist them to try and prove they are innocent. I think half the time they are deluded enough to believe what they are doing isn't abuse.
    Cut the OP some slack. You have zero evidence this guy is an abuser. It's really unfair to make suggestions like this based on nothing but a hunch.

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  13. #29
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    @Sonja, I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that a woman who takes out an apprehended violence order might be doing so because she is being abused.

    Of course we here on Bubhub have zero evidence that the OP's friend has committed domestic violence. That's for the courts to decide but I don't think it's unreasonable for people to raise the possibility that perhap's K's wife might not be a hormonally deranged post-partum nutjob whose current wont is to destroy her partner and her family by making false allegations.

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  15. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    @Sonja, I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that a woman who takes out an apprehended violence order might be doing so because she is being abused.

    Of course we here on Bubhub have zero evidence that the OP's friend has committed domestic violence. That's for the courts to decide but I don't think it's unreasonable for people to raise the possibility that perhap's K's wife might not be a hormonally deranged post-partum nutjob whose current wont is to destroy her partner and her family by making false allegations.
    Absolutely I couldn't agree more. But I find it really uncomfortable when people on here hang people who aren't even posting on here out to dry.

    The op is this guys friend. It's not the friend posting, or the wife.

    I was a family lawyer I know what happens in public isn't how it plays out in private. I also know how damaging presupposing anything is.


 

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