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  1. #1
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    Question Friendships as as adult

    everyone,

    Just wondering if I am just painfully socially anxious and introverted or if this is a slight variation of what could be considered normal.

    I commented to DP tonight that when all his shifts are stacked together, plus when he does a 24 hour job (casually) before he full-time job I feel very alone. He said it is because I only have a small network of friends and he wishes I had a bigger network of friends.

    Example of DP weeks
    For example he has worked everyday (incl night shifts) for 8 days and has another night shift tonight), plus he is studying for an exam in July. Next week he has Wed and Thurs off, but will probably be studying one of those days away from home. Oh and he has just picked up another job which will be one day a week working from home and once a month onsite .

    I don't have a lot of friends. When my ex and I split up I found out someone kept being my friend to report back to my ex. I didn't realise until about 4 years later. I take a lot to trust people easily because of this. I find the school Mum's brutal and for the most part awful.

    I have a few great friends who are interstate, so I talk to them online. I have a couple of friends who are parents of my DDs friends. Although they have been away. Another friend never does anything on the weekends as she spends time with her kids, we usually have coffee during school hours.

    I feel like the pressure is on at the moment. Uni, high school picking (ex says he is too busy), DD with learning issues that are being picked up in yr 6......etc etc etc

    Thoughts?? Feedback??

    Sorry for the sob story

  2. #2
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    I think it is totally normal to want to spend time with your spouse. And he does seem to work a lot more than normal. I think the point of having a spouse is so we don't feel as alone so when you never see them its the same as being single! No advice but all the friends in the world dont help when its night and you are at home alone.

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  4. #3
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    I hear you 😘 i feel lonely often. I find it harder to connect. I'm too tired to go out in the evening and whenever I do meet up with people during the day I am constantly interrupted by my 2&1 yr old and then when my 6&7 yr are around I have to be more filtered in what I say - no d&ms EVER. I think this is why it feels lonely. Lack of good conversation

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  6. #4
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    Sure, he could be 100% right that this is the reason.

    But, personally, I think it is a combination of two things- not many/busy friends, and him working so much.

    I think it is very unfair for him to dismiss your feelings like that.

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    PomPoms  (22-05-2016)

  8. #5
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    I have my best friend of 17 years just up the road but due to a combination of things, only see her every few months. That sounds strange written down but it's always been that way for us and we have no problems picking up right where we left off when we do catch up, it's like we were never apart at all. Having said that, I like it that way. I have loads of acquaintances and interact with lots of people daily (I run a playgroup so there's playgroup mums, workmates, DD does dancing and the parents sit in a tiny room together waiting for the lesson to end so that's my idea of hell.. I hate forced chit chat and feel very uncomfortable so I basically avoid partaking in any conversation even though I'm not at all a shy or quiet person, just feel that forced situation painstaking; DD does swimming so more mums, we attend story time at the library etc) but have come to realise that I actually don't crave, need or particularly want more friends. That will no doubt change at some point, but I'm pretty happy just being with my little family and seeing my real life friends at my own pace. I've made a few really great friends from BubHub, some of whom I've met and have plans to meet more in the future. I like being in control of who I let in and making friends online is great in that regard, I can just go away and cool any interaction if I'm not feeling it. I have periods of social anxiety and for me it's sometimes much easier to be anti social and avoid my own personal head funks.
    I've definitely felt extreme loneliness in the past and desperately wanted friends, especially before DD was born, DS was at school and I was home alone looking for work.. All I had was DH for companionship (when he was home, he's always worked full time) I'd lost complete contact with my bestie and fell into a deep depression. So I feel you, I'll never forget those days.. Feeling alone is excruciating 😞
    Last edited by ~Marigold~; 22-05-2016 at 19:43.

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  10. #6
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    I don't have any advice really but wanted to say you're not alone.
    I'm 34 and have a 10 month old DD and a very gregarious extroverted husband. He's only been in the country 10 years and is the sort of person that everywhere we go he knows someone! Having said that he also says he struggles to find friendships that go beyond superficial interests to actual conversations. He is always busy with hobbies (not without us though he loves DD and I being involved) and I've fallen into the trap of making our family my hobby but I have just gone back to studying so that's something for me (but external so I'm not meeting anyone/getting out).
    I've lived in the same area my whole life and I hardly have any friends now, certainly not close friends anyway. I've met a few people with babies the same age as my DD but I can't see them being 'besties'. I did have several close friends in my 20s mainly, including one for 25+ years that I lost when I had DD and one who dropped me while I was having ivf and she got pregnant. I don't feel like I have anyone I could just call up for a chat or go out with or ask for help if I needed it.
    I wouldn't say I'm shy but I am a bit reserved. Im also stupid busy most of the time as my job takes a lot out of me. Between work study DD house marriage I don't have a huge amount of time to invest in new friendships. I find it hard to meet like-minded people that I have anything in common with.
    Am kind of dreading school mums time in the future 😁
    I don't have any answers. I am pretty happy alone I'm used to it now and at least I won't let me down 😔 I think finding true friends as an adult is hard. My DH said that from moving here from overseas he feels like everyone already has established friendship groups and aren't interested in including/meeting new people.
    It does sound like you're a bit lonely and looking for someone to catch up with so keep putting yourself out there as much as you can and hopefully you meet someone similar to you in a similar situation. But I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with you 😊

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  12. #7
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    Obviously your husband works a lot, but if that can't change then friends are the cure to your loneliness. Sorry. My DH spent many years working as hard as your DH and it was lonely...but in the end I had to accept it for what it is and stop depending on DH to be my social life. And to do that meant building a great support network of friends. I understand it's hard for you given your past...but if you can slowly let some people in you will feel less lonely.
    Good luck.

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  14. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    I think it is totally normal to want to spend time with your spouse. And he does seem to work a lot more than normal. I think the point of having a spouse is so we don't feel as alone so when you never see them its the same as being single! No advice but all the friends in the world dont help when its night and you are at home alone.
    You know what? I think it is the being home at night alone.

    During the days it doesn't usually bother me at all. For some reason once the girls are in bed that is when it bothers me most. Probably the reason I leave most of my uni work to do late at night.

    Next weekend we are going out to dinner with friends. I am having coffee with a friend while DD is at gymnastics tomorrow afternoon. We are having dinner with friends next Sunday evening.

    So it is not that I don't do anything....it is the night time.

  15. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Full House View Post
    Obviously your husband works a lot, but if that can't change then friends are the cure to your loneliness. Sorry. My DH spent many years working as hard as your DH and it was lonely...but in the end I had to accept it for what it is and stop depending on DH to be my social life. And to do that meant building a great support network of friends. I understand it's hard for you given your past...but if you can slowly let some people in you will feel less lonely.
    Good luck.
    This.

    I've just moved to Canberra and have had to restart my village. It is daunting but I need a healthy social life to feel human. So after agreeing to everything and going everywhere I've found a few people I can honestly say I've made friends. Maybe not BFF yet, but people I can visit, catch up with etc.

    I can understand the evenings getting lonely. Why don't you have friends over for a meal? One gf of mine comes over fortnightly for a play/dinner and then puts her infant son to sleep in my spare room. We chat/have dessert and she heads off after hid dream feed.

    Or get a hobby?

  16. #10
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    It always suprises me that many people write off the "school mums" as a friendship source. I have made some incredible friends from my children's school. Actually I am going to Bali on Thurs with a group of 8 mums who I love to bits and have been friends with for 6yrs. Friends come in all shapes and sizes and don't have to be a bestie. My school mums group are all very different and all bring different things to my life and all have their place. I'm a single mum now, so friendship is very important.

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