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  1. #151
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Can I ask why? I find it really hard understanding why the thought of parenting one gender or another is so difficult for some.

    DH's mother never wanted girls because her relationship with her own mother was so awful. I personally think she should have sorted that out rather than pray she never had a girl of her own for fear she screwed her up as her mother did her.
    I find it really hard to explain. Or even justify a little as it sounds ridiculous written down but seems real to me.

    I will add that I adore DD and would not change her or wish she were different.

    Raising a girl just scares/d me. Partly because it was so hard for me (not necessarily my relationship with my family but more relationship with others). Also I have PCOS. It sucks so badly. Seems like my mum had it too so I was hoping to not have to pass it on to a daughter.

    DS is currently not completely a boyish boy. He loves cars/trucks/machinery and spiderman but today he is wearing makeup, has made me buy him pink flowery shoes, plays with dolls, loves shopping, talks about Frozen (as his girl friends at childcare are obsessed).

    So for me it is not necessarily the fact that I want a rough and tumble boyish boy its probably just my life experience growing up has influenced me.

  2. #152
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    Thanks for explaining. I wondered too because as a mum of 3 girls I have had sooooo many people almost pity me for having a lot of girls. Like its some burden or something. And yes often these comments come from people who only have boys so I wonder what motivates them.

    And then I have older people tell me I must be so grateful I had one boy so DH would be happy.

    Far out.

  3. #153
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    @Frankenmum I have just realised I didn't really answer your question.

    My nephews parents are not disappointed one bit in him being TG, they very openly accept it as do we. Can't say the same for the restbof our large family though. But, he is the youngest of your average size family and gender is very balanced in their house so it could well be different if he was the only boy. Many Dad's of TG boys struggle with dissapointment and in the SE Qld community, his Dad is the only one that goes to their meet ups, hospital appts etc. The rest of the group (yes, the entire group of around 20) are now single Mums.

    Like I said in a previous post, even with GS there is still a chance you may be disappointed. My mum always wanted four children; 2 boys and 2 girls. She was very lucky to get that but us girls are massive tomboys and not the little dolls she wanted to play dress ups with.

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  5. #154
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    Normally I would shy away from commenting on particularly sensitive posts, but not today. Maybe it's the fact that I am fast approaching what would have been our EDD with our first and only child. Maybe I'm just worn out and tired.
    Either way, I'm throwing this out there for better or for worse.

    I am 41 years old, soon to be 42. I have never held a child of my own in my arms, nor had that moment where you see your child for the first time and have that magical moment of recognition. I have done cycle after cycle of IVF with little success. The closest we came was getting to 8 weeks gestation where at a scan I was told "There is no heartbeat." I was at that scan alone and I can tell you now that when your heart breaks you feel every bit of it.

    To think that people are so ungrateful, that they would deliberately seek to choose the gender of their child on any grounds other than for medical reasons simply appalls me. To hear that someone would abort a perfectly healthy child based on gender is sickening. Yes, I can understand that gender disappointment is real, but life is full of disappointments. If the worst that happens to you is you have a beautiful baby girl in your arms instead of a bouncing baby boy, I'm telling you now - you're leading a charmed life.

    I'm apologise if my views are not popular. And I'm sorry if this is inflammatory. But right now I am angry that I am not holding our precious baby in my arms. Deep in my heart I know that I would have loved that little one with every ounce of my being, no matter if it was a daughter or a son. My mind simply cannot stretch to a point where i can understand the need to select a child of one sex over another.

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  7. #155
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    Is there anyone on here who experienced severe gender dissapointment and continues to do so years later? How has it affected they way you bonded or interact with your child? Or, did you get over it eventually?

    I desperately wanted a boy and got a girl. I didnt find out the gender because I just knew that once I had a healthy baby in my arms I would love it so fiercely that gender wouldn't matter. With my newborn, I cried most days before the 20wk scan at the possibility of never having a boy. I had already decided I wasn't going back to do IVF and although I considered going overseas for GS, I never would have. Had the option been available here, I quite possibly would have looked further into it. I feel so guilty for ever feeling that way. I love Dd but I never imagined myself as a parent, let alone a parent of a girl.

  8. #156
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blossom74 View Post
    Normally I would shy away from commenting on particularly sensitive posts, but not today. Maybe it's the fact that I am fast approaching what would have been our EDD with our first and only child. Maybe I'm just worn out and tired.
    Either way, I'm throwing this out there for better or for worse.

    I am 41 years old, soon to be 42. I have never held a child of my own in my arms, nor had that moment where you see your child for the first time and have that magical moment of recognition. I have done cycle after cycle of IVF with little success. The closest we came was getting to 8 weeks gestation where at a scan I was told "There is no heartbeat." I was at that scan alone and I can tell you now that when your heart breaks you feel every bit of it.

    To think that people are so ungrateful, that they would deliberately seek to choose the gender of their child on any grounds other than for medical reasons simply appalls me. To hear that someone would abort a perfectly healthy child based on gender is sickening. Yes, I can understand that gender disappointment is real, but life is full of disappointments. If the worst that happens to you is you have a beautiful baby girl in your arms instead of a bouncing baby boy, I'm telling you now - you're leading a charmed life.

    I'm apologise if my views are not popular. And I'm sorry if this is inflammatory. But right now I am angry that I am not holding our precious baby in my arms. Deep in my heart I know that I would have loved that little one with every ounce of my being, no matter if it was a daughter or a son. My mind simply cannot stretch to a point where i can understand the need to select a child of one sex over another.
    I am so sorry for your losses. this is definitely one area that I too struggled with when I was in the TTC phase of my life.

  9. #157
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    It's all a bit King Henry VIII, isn't it?!

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  11. #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blossom74 View Post
    Normally I would shy away from commenting on particularly sensitive posts, but not today. Maybe it's the fact that I am fast approaching what would have been our EDD with our first and only child. Maybe I'm just worn out and tired.
    Either way, I'm throwing this out there for better or for worse.

    I am 41 years old, soon to be 42. I have never held a child of my own in my arms, nor had that moment where you see your child for the first time and have that magical moment of recognition. I have done cycle after cycle of IVF with little success. The closest we came was getting to 8 weeks gestation where at a scan I was told "There is no heartbeat." I was at that scan alone and I can tell you now that when your heart breaks you feel every bit of it.

    To think that people are so ungrateful, that they would deliberately seek to choose the gender of their child on any grounds other than for medical reasons simply appalls me. To hear that someone would abort a perfectly healthy child based on gender is sickening. Yes, I can understand that gender disappointment is real, but life is full of disappointments. If the worst that happens to you is you have a beautiful baby girl in your arms instead of a bouncing baby boy, I'm telling you now - you're leading a charmed life.

    I'm apologise if my views are not popular. And I'm sorry if this is inflammatory. But right now I am angry that I am not holding our precious baby in my arms. Deep in my heart I know that I would have loved that little one with every ounce of my being, no matter if it was a daughter or a son. My mind simply cannot stretch to a point where i can understand the need to select a child of one sex over another.
    I'm sorry you're hurting. I felt exactly the same way when I was struggling ttc. I remember sitting in the Ob's office after being told I needed a D&C and listening to a woman complain about the pregnancy management fee. I thought she was horrendously selfish and would have killed to be able to pay $2k to have a baby. I felt like anyone who whinged about pregnancy or sleeplessness with a newborn had no idea about what it was like to want a pregnancy and a baby so desperately.

    Needless to say my perspective has evolved somewhat since I've been fortunate enough to have two beautiful babies. I still agree with you on aborting a baby to choose a sex - I couldn't even undergo another round of IVF with embryos waiting already - and I wouldn't have a third child unless I knew that I would be entirely happy with a girl or boy. But I now understand why people would want the option of choosing if possible.

  12. #159
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    Default Should gender selection for non medical reasons be legal in Australia

    I am a little on the fence with this. I suppose because I don't understand gender disappointment, I had 2 boys, a girl and then a boy. My children are all incredibly stereotypical (despite my efforts to make everything reasonably gender neutral). My boys are rough and tumble, and loves trucks and trains and anything loud. My girl tells every person she sees that her favourite colour is pink and she wants to be a mummy and a princess.

    I know what it's like to be a child of the wrong gender though. My mother was only able to have one. She wanted a boy. That was my first mistake. She then decided growing up that if I had to be a girl, I was going to be the girliest damn girl I could be, and forced me into skirts. Horrible, ridiculous skirts. And heels. All I wanted to do was work on my damn car but no. But she frequently told me, to my face, pretty much verbatim "you were supposed to be a boy". When I had my first son she said to me "now I finally have the boy I was supposed to have".

    So I guess this is where I get confused on the argument. Had she been allowed to gender select, she wouldn't have had a child she positively deplored.
    BUT had she had a son, would she have been a better mother? Probably not. A ****e person is a ****e person no matter what changes. She could have had a son who was gay (which she is strongly against) or a TG son. Or a son who didn't grow up to be a world renowned neurosurgeon with a perfect little housewife and 16 children. Who knows what he would have done to disappoint her but you can bet your bum there would have been something.

    ETA a few years ago, a woman from my school was on my Facebook. She had two boys and a girl and was pregnant with her 4th. Her facebook status one day was "Had my ultrasound today. Worst possible news. It's another ****ing girl."
    I think that goes far and beyond gender disappointment and she, like my mother, will be disappointed no matter what. If she thinks the *worst* news at an ultrasound is the gender, she just has no idea.
    Last edited by Ahalfdozen; 22-05-2016 at 12:04.

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  14. #160
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    I think those of us who have not experienced gender disappointment will struggle with the idea of gender selection. I think that, like a myriad of other issues, unless you've been there it's difficult to articulate how it feels and the rationale behind it. I think I'm in the camp of legalising gender selection but with a huge amount of red tape involved. I don't think it should be an easy process. If it were legalised I'd like to see extensive psychiatric involvement to get to the root of why someone has such a strong desire for a specific sex before embarking on that path. I think a PP's previous point is salient that if the child grows up not fulfilling whatever expectations the parents have in mind, then there is the chance for ramifications and damage to that parent/child relationship, particularly if there has been an enormous financial and emotional toll taken before the pregnancy has even really progressed.

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