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  1. #151
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I just don't see working beyond paying the essentials as any more of a valid/reasonable/appropriate reason to be away from your kids than their reason. I don't feel money is any more a good reason that parental bonding.
    I agree.

  2. #152
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    Default Spinoff - when does it become okay to judge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Full House View Post
    From 3pm every afternoon and Sundays. According to the article, Rachel's child doesn't go to daycare...all care is between mum and dad during the week, and on Sundays. Fri night-Sat night it's the grandparents...so say 36hours. A child in day care for 4 days x 9hrs (assuming the parents are working an 8 hour shift), is 36hrs. Food for thought.

    As far as investing my care in to Rachel Finch...I don't know who she is, I am not invested in her at all...what I am invested in is women supporting women, not tearing someone to shreds because they have a village and they use it. It's a sad reflection of society.
    I'm all for village. As someone who has none in Oz me and my hubby are 100% it for childcare and it wears thin. Each to their own tho.

    I guess going back to the original question from OP then. It's OK to judge in your own head/home as long as people your judging aren't able to be offended right? I have been been berated on here for my strong opinions so this is my turn to say that comparing daycare 4 days a week to every weekend palm off isn't fair. Just saying..

    What I'm learning is that child rearing is such a hot potato. Sleep, feeding etc., better off not commenting at all and having a beer instead! At least most mums agree on that 😜
    Last edited by amiracle4me; 14-05-2016 at 09:40.

  3. #153
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    Default Spinoff - when does it become okay to judge?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ngaiz View Post

    Consider the following.. .

    "Hi BH. This is my first post here. I'm after some advice and I'm torn on what I should do. Due to work commitments, Dh and I hardly see eachother. I work days and he works nights. We decided when Dd was born that we would do this so Dd didn't have to spend so much time in CC but it's now having a negative impact on our marriage. I find Dd difficult at times and her behavior is not ideal and I often feel depressed because I can't cater to both her and Dh needs let alone myself. Although I feel blessed that my job is flexible enough to allow me to spend every day with Dd, it's requirements are often demanding with some very long days. The only time we see eachother is Friday night to Monday morning (which includes some public appearances for work for me where Dh and I attend as 'happy' couple), and I can't even remember the last time he we were intimate. I love my husband and we feel like we are neglecting eachother and falling apart. I'm really struggling to cope with this and can feel PND creeping back.

    I have a great relationship with MIL and she has offered to have Dd on the weekends from Friday night to Sunday morning then we can spend all day Sunday together as a family. Dh and I both feel that this could work. We can spend time together to rebuild our relationship and Dd gets to spend quality time with her grandmother who she absolutely adores. I do feel that two nights might be too much and I will miss her terribly, but for a few other reasons it is the only option."

    Sooo, I know exactly how we would all respond to a post like this. We would be encouraging her to take MIL offer. We wouldn't question any other motives. We wouldn't say she just wanted uniteruppted shag time and many of us would be saying how much we wished we had more support.

    .
    Great post - I like what you've done, it is thought provoking. However you (like me) are making a lot of assumptions regarding where the finches are coming from.

    Additionally, Its quite plausible that if the situation was represented from another view on BH that the mum in the scenario would be ripped to shreds. Think along the lines of "I am a first time poster. I have fallen into a pit if negativity parenting my two year old as I hate my own mum. When I was young she flicked me off to my grandma for two nights each week... So she could party with my father. This was just the start of a life if her putting herself first and me last. Which she still does to this day. Should I wash my hands of her or try to make amends?"

    I think my point is in the absence of any real clarifying information BH's nearly always automatically (and sometimes viciously) side with the mum. It's ok to make assumptions that favour the mum (judge)... But not other players (child, dad, mil).

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  5. #154
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    This was never a grandparents vs Childcare debate IMO. It's about the reason behind the weekend care by grandparents.

    Saving sanity, a relationship or not suffering from PND are okay reasons IMO as to why you might need a grandparent to look after their child for many hours.

    But Rachel Finch hasn't said she has PND, she hasn't said, I'm a struggling mum with PND and I'm struggling with having a child and a busy career and not seeing my husband and this is how we deal with it..... Too many parents are burnt out because they don't make the most of their village, they suffer in silence, if you have PND please seek help like I have. Nope! She's said how awesome is this..... I have a child and I STILL get to live most of my weekend like I don't have kids.

    This is where I'm drawing the line and many others have. It's not *just* the hours or grandparents looking after her it's the reason!

    If that was a real poster, no I don't believe people would say that's a great idea to do that every week. Everyone yes will be supportive of her struggles as would I, but I'm pretty sure some would be asking if there's any other way to cut back on their commitments, change jobs (eventually as I know you can't just snap your fingers and have a new job), make small changes here and there, and maybe do the Friday to Sunday thing once a fortnight.

    But again your example IMO is completely different as your example is a struggling parent with PND not a career woman with a kid who doesn't want to give up her non-kid life- she wants it all - brilliant career, child and freedom and isn't willing to give it up.

    So thank you for your example it highlights where I draw the line and the point I have been trying to make all along - the reason behind a parent not spending a large amount of time with their child is where my judgement lies and I understand that's different for different people. That's okay isn't it?

    Oh and PS yes it is her life, her choice, I just don't agree with it. That's okay too isn't it?

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  7. #155
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Great post - I like what you've done, it is thought provoking. However you (like me) are making a lot of assumptions regarding where the finches are coming from.

    Additionally, Its quite plausible that if the situation was represented from another view on BH that the mum in the scenario would be ripped to shreds. Think along the lines of "I am a first time poster. I have fallen into a pit if negativity parenting my two year old as I hate my own mum. When I was young she flicked me off to my grandma for two nights each week... So she could party with my father. This was just the start of a life if her putting herself first and me last. Which she still does to this day. Should I wash my hands of her or try to make amends?"

    I think my point is in the absence of any real clarifying information BH's nearly always automatically (and sometimes viciously) side with the mum. It's ok to make assumptions that favour the mum (judge)... But not other players (child, dad, mil).
    This is the point I was making about the emotional issues later in life. If she continues to send her child to the grandparents like that until she's 18, I can see the child feeling rejected, yes even if it were her grandparents looking after her.

    What happens when the MIL dies and the Finches can't rely on her anymore. I wonder if they will put their grown up parent pants on and reduce their social life or if they will try and find someone else to take the child. This too would also say a lot about them. And I'm okay to judge this too.

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  9. #156
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    I think there's a little rule of thumb to go by. Be kind. Even if you're thinking it and you feel it's your right to vocalise it, be mindful. Yes, we all judge, I think that has been established. And of course it will still be frowned upon if someone says something in a derogatory and narky manner. What's good for goose is good for the gander, I agree, but my personal stance and view on the whole thing is, don't go out of your way to judge just because you can. Have some respect and consider the person on the receiving end. I honestly do not stand in judgment clicking my tongue at mothers who do something differently to I. I think what works for one family won't always work for another. I don't partake in the sleeping threads at all, I did once when DD was 10 months old, I naively ventured into the CC section when I was looking for help and advice and let's just say that I learned my lesson. Which further drives the notion of putting yourself in the other person's shoes before spouting your opinion.
    Re Rachel Finch, like I said, maybe it's the only way she can cope with parenting. So what? That's my opinion on this subject. I wouldn't do what she does but that's me. I don't think it gives me the right to put her down, though. I don't like being hateful.

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  11. #157
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    Well said @~Marigold~

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  13. #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post

    I think my point is in the absence of any real clarifying information BH's nearly always automatically (and sometimes viciously) side with the mum. It's ok to make assumptions that favour the mum (judge)... But not other players (child, dad, mil).
    See I don't agree that's always the case. There have been lots of times members have started threads and copped what could be perceived as judgment and flack. A couple of long term members come to mind who won't leave abusive relationships or start threads about their partners mistreating the kids over and over. Mums who deliberately have got pg against their partners wishes. Mums that have cheated.

    As to there being a clique - as a member of almost 9 years I find it interesting that people say that when others disagree with them, but what I see is just a group of like-minded members. For years the forum was quite 'left', and there were claims of bleeding heart socialist cliques. But now I've noticed the more regular members are much more upper middle class Liberal type women. I could claim there is now cliques with these members...... or I could just see it for what it is - that the demographic has changed and like-minded people naturally will agree with one another. Those same members agree on a whole range of topics bc they are similar, not bc they are in a 'clique'.

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  15. #159
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    IMO being able to have it all is great, not something to judge harshly.

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  17. #160
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    @VicPark I agree I've made a massive assumption in order to offer a different perspective and I may be very far from the truth. @A-Squared, no there was no mention of PND but I don't believe she should have to justify the reasons behind her and her husbands decision. Just like I don't believe VP should have to justify sleep training her boys. If it works for your family and everyone is happy that's all that matters. Right?..

    By highlighting my assumption, I guess the only answer to the OP is that the only time it is OK to judge is when we have ALL the facts.
    Last edited by Ngaiz; 14-05-2016 at 10:50.

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