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  1. #1
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    Default Telling mum about IVF/Infertility

    Hello,
    We are in the midst of our last shot at a natural medicated cycle before we need to start the process of IVF. I have not told anyone of our TTC journey and I first thought that I wanted to keep it completely private and only announce the wonderful suprise when we get pg. Anyway since hearing that IVF will be our next step I was thinking that I want to talk to my mum about everything. DH is a great support however him being a man he dosen't feel it the same way that I do and I am finding myself feeling increasingly lonely and needing extra support. I am nervous at the thought of telling my mum as I am not sure what her reaction to IVF will be. We have never discussed anything like this before. We are close yet we don't really talk about health issues much. I am also nervous about telling her and then regretting saying anything as you can "untell" someone.

    Anyway I was wondering if I could hear your stories about this... did you tell? Did it help or did you regret ?

    Thanks,

  2. #2
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    I was pretty open with a lot of people about my ivf as I wasn't ashamed of it and it made my life easier when people knew. My mum had already guessed we were ttc so was up to date with where we were at with tests, treatments etc. For me I found the support very useful as I agree that men just don't get it sometimes. My dh would always be surprised when I was upset every month I wasn't pregnant and just didn't seem to understand why.
    The problem is of course that once they know about it it's hard to keep details a secret such as egg collection etc so it does make it hard when it comes to the 2 week wait and knowing that people are going to be wondering and asking what happens. I told my mum I didn't want her to ask anything and I would tell her the details as I wanted. (She's the kind of person that phones after a dr appointment to see how it's gone etc so j didn't want that through every step of the cycle).
    I also told my boss as I needed to take 2 weeks off during the cycle when I needed regular bloods, scans etc and I found it would have been hard to make an excuse last minute. In the end I was glad I did tell people as I became very ill with severe ohss afterwards and was in hospital. It was completely impossible to explain to people what was wrong with me without telling them about the ivf (most of my friends have medical backgrounds so wouldn't have been fobbed off). However I was one of the lucky ones who fell pregnant first time so haven't had to deal with the disappointment and knowing others are feeling it too.
    Good luck with your decision, everyone is very different but that's how I felt about things.

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  4. #3
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    My ttc journey was about 3 years long. It took me until my most recent cycle (try number 3) before I was really opening up to people about my experiences. After falling pregnant that cycle I found myself opening up a lot and being really upfront with anyone about my journey.
    If I had a very close relationship with my mother I would definitely have kept her in the loop. I think that would have been invaluable.

    I definitely 100% agree that you need to set boundaries early. I also suggest asking her never to request information or update, but that you will advise her of info when you're ready.
    I really struggled with well-meaning people asking whether I had been successful etc as I found it took a few months after an unsuccessful cycle before I could really discuss it safely.

    Good luck on your journey. I hope ya short and sweet xx

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    Ivf and infertility can be really lonely and you need support, family can be the best people for that.

    In my experience its best to stick to people who will be supportive and won't judge or make you doubt yourself. Your mum could be a great support for you, as can close friends.

    Just be wary of telling people all details of your cycle in case you get badgered to update them every time on success or failure. You def need people to support you through this journey and as great as partners can be, you sometimes need more than that.

  6. #5
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    I had told my mum that we were TTC as my folks moved interstate about 6 months after DH and I got married/started trying. I haven't told her about the IVF though as when I first told her about going to a fertility specialist at the 12 month TTC mark, she was all funny about it and kept saying negative things about IVF. I now don't talk to her about it at all. My sister knows all about it though, but I've not told her about the latest happenings as I'm getting sick of the probing questions.

    Quite a few of the girls I work with know about the IVF. I find it easy to talk to them about it as we're 'in the business' so it's quite easy and they're not probing me all the time. They're an amazing support. One of the girls in particular I've become quite close to this year and she knows all the intimate details about the IVF process. It's good to have someone to confide in that's on the same wavelength. I have amazing support from those I work with who know. I got nothing like that from my mum. I think because she just doesn't understand what infertility is like, whereas some of my work friends do.

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    Hugs. It's a difficult journey to embark on, I hope that it brings you your baby. I was quite open about our IVF with my immediate family and close friends. I don't regret it. It was good having people know what we were going through, and stopped them asking questions like "so when are you having kids?" Through being open we also found out that some of our friends had had similar struggles when they were TTC, that we didn't know about, and they ended up being a wonderful support. I did get the odd ignorant comment like why don't I just adopt, but overall everyone was very supportive and that much more excited for us when we did announce I was pregnant good luck to you!

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    Yes when we initially told MIL about our fertility struggles and that we had started IVF she was really resistant and not at all supportive. She was adamant we should wait and "see how it goes". I think she didn't really respect that we truly had issues. I just stopped talking about it around her, other than to make really vague comments every now and then to kinda remind her (in the hopes she would pipe up with something supportive once it had sunk in for her). Well she never did get supportive, and i think she honestly thought we were rushing (she had two accidents by 18 - the second is DH) despite the fact that we have been together for 9 years and married for 3.
    I made sure they all knew it was an IVF baby when the time came to announce, and as I knew she would be, she's nothing but happy and supportive of the baby now it exists.

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    I was the same as nh2489. I don't like the stigma and shame that seems to surround fertility struggles for so many people so I was very open about what we were going through.

    It did mean that people at my work have known right away that I'm pregnant, but they have all been so lovely and supportive and really cheering me on from the sidelines the whole way through.

    My DH is one of the men who has found it harder than me - he was more desperate for a child than I was and any disappointments hit him much harder than me. He really 'gets it' and understands how I feel, because he's feeling the same, or worse. For him, having his friends and work colleagues know has been great because he's the type of person who will discuss the emotional aspect of it with others. He's also had no trouble getting time off anytime he needs it. For me, I've been able to discuss the scientific and technical aspects of it with my friends (because I find it all intellectually fascinating, but DH wasn't all that keen to have the clinical scientific discussions about it that I was!)

    DH's dad and one of my friends were the only ones who had anything negative to say about it - so we just didn't bother talking to those people about it again. Everyone else has been fantastic.


 

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