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  1. #1
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    Default Marriage troubles.

    This is going to be long and likely all over the place.

    I've been with my husband for 12 years and I don't love him.

    Things have been bad for a couple of years now. I'm just miserable, I don't even want to be affectionate with him. I can't even remember the last time we held hands or kissed! I hate having sex with him.

    I feel like we have no connection at all, we fight all the time. We aren't even friends anymore.

    I have spoken to him about this and even asked him if he would move out at least temporarily but he refuses to leave the house. He doesn't think it's fair HE should have to leave the family home and the kids (which is fair enough) but I couldn't take the kids anywhere and I would never leave without them (which is his thinking too).

    He is a great dad, the kids love him, he treats us all well. He is moody all the time, it started when he got made redundant and is now trying to build a new career and business. Which also means we have a lot of financial strain now too.

    He works from home most of the time so spends a lot of the time with the kids and helps around the house a lot. So I can't even say he does nothing for me and the kids.

    Having so much time together probably doesn't help, like I said we fight a lot.

    I just don't want to be with him, I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this! I'm not happy, I feel trapped. Because he helps so much I don't even know IF I could cope without him. The struggle of having no money would be horrible! I'd have to go back to work. The main negative is the kids. They WOULD NOT cope without their dad. They love him. Our oldest daughter had ASD and sleeps with him every night so I know she wouldn't cope. He is the only one that can bring he out from a melt down 80% of the time.

    I feel selfish for wanting to be happy when my kids are. My husband knows I don't love him (he says things which indicate it) I keep thinking when the kids are older I can leave but then that's years more of unhappiness when I could be making a new life, maybe even meeting someone else.

    I didn't just fall out of love with him for no reason though. 4 years ago he had an affair or sorts. For YEARS he would msg, email, call, see other woman. It was all sexual, videos, pictures. He said he never actually had sex with any of them but who knows.

    I hated him, he begged me to let him stay because he had nowhere to go. I stupidly let him stay until he found a place for the sake of our daughter. I was also really scared of leaving, being alone, having no money (he was on a high income) over time he just pretended it never happened. I trusted him, I KNEW he would never do this to me so now... I don't believe a word he says to the littlest things like him saying he didn't hang the washing out because me a client called. I know he has really tried to make up for it even since but I know I'll never forgive or forget.

    He promised counselling all those years ago which never happened, now he says we can't afford it (which we can't) and we have no one to watch the kids. I also don't love him, so don't see the point anymore.

    I don't know what I was hoping to achieve by writing this, I just needed to get it out.

  2. #2
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    I'm so sorry you are in this position. If I felt this way about my husband I also couldn't imagine leaving for the same reasons as you - the kids love him too much and he is such a good father.
    But you need to be happy. I think you should start taking steps now to become more independent.
    How old are your children? Can you start working somewhere part time so you can get time away from him and also help the strain on your finances?
    You can be separated and live in the same house until things get better or you can make the move to leave.
    I'm sure other ladies here who have left their husbands will have good advice about what to expect and what to do.
    Good luck, and I'm so sorry x

  3. #3
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    Thank you for your reply.

    I am currently trying to find work, but I have qualifications and have been out of work for the last 6 years so it's proving difficult. I'm considering going back to uni to get a degree which will hopefully set myself up in the long run.

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  5. #4
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    Huge hugs, what an awful place to be in. I have no advice at all. Sorry

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    Hugs..
    I'm not sure if you're looking for advice or not, so please disregard if you like, but this is my two cents..

    I think that in your situation, I would probably tell him that we're separating but still living under the same roof. I'd have my own bedroom, my own life, come and go as I pleased. I'd probably do up a roster of chores and child care with him and just live an independent life. That's what I'd do anyway, I think..

  7. #6
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    Hun can you see your GP who may be able to help with discounted counsellIng? I really think it's important - worst case scenario it will help you and DH co-parent better as a separated couple. I head dr Phil once say something along the lines that a couple with kids hasn't earned the right to separate until they have had counsellIng.

    Best of luck

  8. #7
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    What a rough situation.
    I think first you need to decide whether you're done (and you definitely sound done, which is understandable; I think people are actually allowed to be done, even without having tried counselling, sometimes you just know in your heart of hearts that it's over and you actually don't want it back) or whether there is still some foundation there to build something on. And if you really do want to try and fix your relationship with him. You say you don't love him anymore and to me that speaks volumes; I've been through times of separation with my partner and been through some extremely difficult times where I've definitely not liked him, but I don't think I could ever stop loving him. Even when it hasn't been the romantic or intimate kind (because I've been way too upset with him at times over the years) the love was always still there. I guess for me, where there's love there's hope. I don't believe that any amount of counselling can help to be honest if you've reached a point where that's gone.
    If you do believe that there's still a glimmer of hope though, I think there are a number of services available cheap or free of charge? Have you looked into Relationships Australia?
    If you are adamant that there's nothing left to salvage whatsoever then you really need to consider putting yourself first (that doesn't mean putting your children last) for the sake of YOUR wellbeing. It's unfortunate that so many mothers/wives feel they don't deserve true happiness for fear of breaking up their family. It's an enormous amount of pressure to feel responsible for holding everything/everyone together while concealing your own true desires.
    If I were you and I was certain it was over and he refused to leave, had no job and money to leave (and I have been there and left with two children) I'd do whatever it took, which could possibly mean contacting centrelink and asking them to refer you to a housing organisation.
    I feel for you, it's an awful situation and to be honest, none of this is your fault. It sucks that you're left to pick up the pieces. Hugs xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Marigold~ View Post
    ; I think people are actually allowed to be done, even without having tried counselling, sometimes you just know in your heart of hearts that it's over and you actually don't want it back) or whether there is still some foundation there to build something on.
    I should clarify - the episode of Dr Phil was talking about counsellIng being a good idea regardless of whether the parents want to stay together or not. It can help ensure that when the parents embark on a new co-parenting relationship that there aren't unresolved feelings getting in the way. Of course it's not always possible (DV, cost and availability, other person may flat out refuse).

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    I think a lot of marriages go through times when one (or both) falls out of love with the other. Considering we're constantly evolving as individuals, it's completely understandable. The important thing is whether or not you actually want to try to get that back again. If you do, you're going to have to work on building the trust again, because I don't think it's fair to either of you to have that hanging over your marriage without addressing it.

    Either way, I'd try your hardest to make marriage counselling possible. If for nothing else, to give it the best chance of having a successful co-parenting relationship for your kids. Relationships Australia's fees are set on a tier based system, to make it affordable for everyone. Maybe you could get in contact with them.

  12. #10
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    Thanks you all for your replies. I think I will look into counselling. I think we deserve it to the kids to see someone, I know I'm done but it can help us co-parent.

    The biggest probably is living arrangements. He won't leave the kids and neither will I. We both want to be with them all the time. He is a wonderful Father and he does deserve that but our relationship is completely over in my eyes.

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