This is going to be long and likely all over the place.
I've been with my husband for 12 years and I don't love him.
Things have been bad for a couple of years now. I'm just miserable, I don't even want to be affectionate with him. I can't even remember the last time we held hands or kissed! I hate having sex with him.
I feel like we have no connection at all, we fight all the time. We aren't even friends anymore.
I have spoken to him about this and even asked him if he would move out at least temporarily but he refuses to leave the house. He doesn't think it's fair HE should have to leave the family home and the kids (which is fair enough) but I couldn't take the kids anywhere and I would never leave without them (which is his thinking too).
He is a great dad, the kids love him, he treats us all well. He is moody all the time, it started when he got made redundant and is now trying to build a new career and business. Which also means we have a lot of financial strain now too.
He works from home most of the time so spends a lot of the time with the kids and helps around the house a lot. So I can't even say he does nothing for me and the kids.
Having so much time together probably doesn't help, like I said we fight a lot.
I just don't want to be with him, I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this! I'm not happy, I feel trapped. Because he helps so much I don't even know IF I could cope without him. The struggle of having no money would be horrible! I'd have to go back to work. The main negative is the kids. They WOULD NOT cope without their dad. They love him. Our oldest daughter had ASD and sleeps with him every night so I know she wouldn't cope. He is the only one that can bring he out from a melt down 80% of the time.
I feel selfish for wanting to be happy when my kids are. My husband knows I don't love him (he says things which indicate it) I keep thinking when the kids are older I can leave but then that's years more of unhappiness when I could be making a new life, maybe even meeting someone else.
I didn't just fall out of love with him for no reason though. 4 years ago he had an affair or sorts. For YEARS he would msg, email, call, see other woman. It was all sexual, videos, pictures. He said he never actually had sex with any of them but who knows.
I hated him, he begged me to let him stay because he had nowhere to go. I stupidly let him stay until he found a place for the sake of our daughter. I was also really scared of leaving, being alone, having no money (he was on a high income) over time he just pretended it never happened. I trusted him, I KNEW he would never do this to me so now... I don't believe a word he says to the littlest things like him saying he didn't hang the washing out because me a client called. I know he has really tried to make up for it even since but I know I'll never forgive or forget.
He promised counselling all those years ago which never happened, now he says we can't afford it (which we can't) and we have no one to watch the kids. I also don't love him, so don't see the point anymore.
I don't know what I was hoping to achieve by writing this, I just needed to get it out.