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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Ok putting it like that then yes we discussed many of those things. Mainly because we have a lot of nieces and nephews between us so were used to having kids around. I knew he loathes smacking and is an atheist so they're givens.

    But more specifically no we never really talked about it.
    Same here in terms that over time (we were together six years before we married) we knew we were on the same page in key areas but when we looked at this baby we were in shock! We've just journeyed along together and muddled through! Still muddling through!

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  3. #22
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    Same thing here. im more of an attatchment parent with gentle techniques. I'm an early childhood educator (pre kids) so have a lot of techniques and experience.
    Df has no experience and is short tempered.

    he's getting better but its a constant battle and I'm forever having to pull him up/explain or take over as things just go nowhere. it got to the point i was in tears whenever df dealt with ds. even suggesting a bath would end up with df dragging a screaming and kicking ds to his room yelling at him for time out.

    one night, i sat df down... and said... i can't go on like this. i am depressed because its a constant battle day in day out with you two. its not fair. it shouldn't be like this. it shouldn't be this hard.

    df couldnt see anything wrong with his methods....until i said... "if a stranger , or his kinder teachers spoke to him /treated himthe way you do...how would you feel?"...he looked at me shocked and said..."i wouldn't put up with it! Id sue them! How dare they?!??". I just calmly said... "so why can you do it?". He really seemed to understand that.

    We went over that although he's a child...ds is a PERSON and he needs respect too. one example i highlighted... df turned the tv off without warning and demanded ds go have a bath. then. (This escalated to df carting him to his room kicking and screaming as above. i said to him.... "ok. tomorrow when you're playing games on the pc, im just going to unplug the modem and demand you get up and do housework ...now" .he didn't like that idea either. said it wasn't fair, and i pointed out that he expected that of ds which was unfair too.

    he has made an effort and is getting better. if he's struggling now he asks me to step in so it doesn't explode like normal and we have discussed attending a 123 magic class together.



    I hope you can find a solution. mines not perfect but has made a difference for us. our problem now is ds is so used to df flying off the handle, as soon as df starts talking....ds is already in defensive mode ready for battle because he's had to be for so long. now its trying to sort that out while df sticks to his changes... and hopefully things are more calm around here.

    there's a lovely article from the peaceful papa about this on facebook i read earlier and it was perfect.

  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by shadowangel0205 View Post
    Same thing here. im more of an attatchment parent with gentle techniques. I'm an early childhood educator (pre kids) so have a lot of techniques and experience.
    Df has no experience and is short tempered.

    he's getting better but its a constant battle and I'm forever having to pull him up/explain or take over as things just go nowhere. it got to the point i was in tears whenever df dealt with ds. even suggesting a bath would end up with df dragging a screaming and kicking ds to his room yelling at him for time out.

    one night, i sat df down... and said... i can't go on like this. i am depressed because its a constant battle day in day out with you two. its not fair. it shouldn't be like this. it shouldn't be this hard.

    df couldnt see anything wrong with his methods....until i said... "if a stranger , or his kinder teachers spoke to him /treated himthe way you do...how would you feel?"...he looked at me shocked and said..."i wouldn't put up with it! Id sue them! How dare they?!??". I just calmly said... "so why can you do it?". He really seemed to understand that.

    We went over that although he's a child...ds is a PERSON and he needs respect too. one example i highlighted... df turned the tv off without warning and demanded ds go have a bath. then. (This escalated to df carting him to his room kicking and screaming as above. i said to him.... "ok. tomorrow when you're playing games on the pc, im just going to unplug the modem and demand you get up and do housework ...now" .he didn't like that idea either. said it wasn't fair, and i pointed out that he expected that of ds which was unfair too.

    he has made an effort and is getting better. if he's struggling now he asks me to step in so it doesn't explode like normal and we have discussed attending a 123 magic class together.



    I hope you can find a solution. mines not perfect but has made a difference for us. our problem now is ds is so used to df flying off the handle, as soon as df starts talking....ds is already in defensive mode ready for battle because he's had to be for so long. now its trying to sort that out while df sticks to his changes... and hopefully things are more calm around here.

    there's a lovely article from the peaceful papa about this on facebook i read earlier and it was perfect.
    Sounds similar here.
    Kids were being a bit boisterous earlier today and before partner was about to say something ( I could tell he was getting irritated) I dealt with it myself, calmly. I took the kids for a walk to the park ( partner had a few things to do).
    Sometimes I have to quickly step in before it escalates. I'm trying to model to him how gentle parenting is rather than lashing out about everything.
    He expects the kids to do as they're told right away. No warnings. It doesn't work that way. Kids need to be heard and respected too.
    If we go to the park I say "we're leaving in 20 mins" he says "come on kids we're going" and he wonders why they whinge! They need that transition time. Same with bedtimes/showers etc " when this show finishes it's time to get ready for bed" but he will say do it now!
    I appreciate he does try and help but sometimes ( well a lot of the time) he just needs to bsck off and let me parent and when I need help ( as long as he's calm) I'll ask him. Helping could just be looking after the younger one.

  5. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I don't mean this in a rude way as clearly several have said they have the same issues but surely this was something that you guys discussed before having kids? Before we got married and started a family we made sure we were on the same page on the important issues - parenting and discipline was one of them.

    It sounds like maybe some marriage counselling may be beneficial as the issues run deeper than just differing discipline techniques
    Just wanted to say something about your first point - no idea about the OPs pre-marriage situation but for ours we did exactly this. We did our pre marriage counselling and our marriage preparation course. We discussed how we would discipline our kids and our values and agreed on the way which we would parent.

    However, just like any other aspect of parenting, we were both absolutely clueless as to what parenting involved because we were young and neither of us had ever had children! I'll be the first to admit my intentions as what kind of parent I would be, and how I would handle discipline, completely changed once I actually had a child.

    So whilst these courses are great to a point, I don't think it's a fool proof way of ensuring you'll both end up agreeing on every aspect of parenting. It's a tough gig, and it's tough on your relationship. It's almost impossible to agree on every aspect of parenting unless one partner is just happy to go along with everything the other wants - which isn't isn't realistic for most.

    I agree if OP can't get through to her DH and it's continuing to be an issue some marriage counselling could help. However it's unlikely any discussions before marriage/having kids would have prevented this from happening IMO.

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  7. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I don't mean this in a rude way as clearly several have said they have the same issues but surely this was something that you guys discussed before having kids? Before we got married and started a family we made sure we were on the same page on the important issues - parenting and discipline was one of them.

    It sounds like maybe some marriage counselling may be beneficial as the issues run deeper than just differing discipline techniques
    We did discuss this before having kids and did seem to agree but neither of us truly knew what babies and toddlers and kids are like. Neither of us knew how we would react to things like crying, not sleeping, not eating, other feeding issues, tantrums etc.

    You only have to read threads where people have all said how different parenting has turned out and how it's impacted on them.

    I think it's far too simplistic and naive to say everyone should have spoken about it prior and just be in the same page as none of us truly knew what parents we would be. Yes we had an idea on how we *wanted* to parent but reality is often completely different to the dream.

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  9. #26
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    DH and I have this issue.

    We definitely discussed parenting style beforehand - I was raising DS1 and DH would often question why I did or didn't do particular things when disciplining him. So our discussions were actually quite detailed and comprehensive and we still have big problems.

    The problem arises because whilst I KNEW my parenting style DH had no real idea. He does not cope with any level of sleep deprivation, he has unrealistic expectations of DS2's behaviour - like expecting him to do things he is physically and cognitively incapable of at 3.5 years of age. His experience of children under 10 is DS2.

    I've given him books to read on child development (because his expectations are the biggest source of our problems), I send him links to websites/research etc he doesn't read any of it but I keep trying.

    I think it's a situation where you just have to keep trying, keep communicating and intervene when necessary if the discipline or punishment (hate that word!) is inappropriate.

    It's tough and honestly I don't think all the talk on the world before helps people deal with the reality and diversity of challenges each child poses to parent.

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  11. #27
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    When I try and suggest different parenting/discipline ways he thinks I'm attacking him and says " it's my house. I can yell at the kids if I want. Why should I follow your rules!"


  12. #28
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    For my DH it's all about the timing. I will only intervene if I absolutely need to. Otherwise I wait until later to comment.

    DH has long hours at work during the week so it is inevitably weekends when issues arise. So I try to have the conversations during the week. I will talk about mine and DS2's day. Point out all the positive aspects of the little man's behaviour during the day. Then bring up something which has happened and how I handled it - usually to point out how much 'X' behaviour has improved for example.

    DH knows what I am doing, he's not stupid and he knows we have different ideas. But if I pick my moments sometimes it works better than others.

    I am not trying to deal with all aspects of the differences - just one at a time. I've made some small progress but we have a long way to go. It's really hard and is a big strain on our relationship.

    Like I said in my previous post I think it's an ongoing conversation.

  13. #29
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    When I try and tell him something good/positive about the kids he responds with "oh well it won't last"

  14. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Homeschooling4 View Post
    When I try and tell him something good/positive about the kids he responds with "oh well it won't last"
    ☹️ How does that make you feel? I would really struggle if my partner were to be so negative about my children.

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