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  1. #1
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    Default Parenting/disciplining differently to your partner

    How do you deal when you and your partner aren't on the same page when it comes to parenting and discipline... ?
    I'm laid back, partner is somewhat strict.
    I let the small things go, I talk to the kids about why we shouldn't do XYZ and let them know it's ok to feel angry but not ok to hit for example.
    Partner thinks I'm too soft and should punish at all times.
    I believe kids should shown love even when they aren't on the best behaviour ( but still be firm and as I said explain why we don't do certain things and have them say sorry and maybe other things eg clean up their mess if they have thrown things )
    One thing we do agree on is no smacking...
    I do yell but I am working on this and hsve even taken anger managment classes, but partner refuses to change or even meet me half way saying that I need to be on his side.
    I think he gets too strict and dishes out punishments too quickly before giving the kids a chance. He gets mad over stupid stuff ( well I guess maybe to him it's not)..

    We have four kids. Two at home full time. Two in a co-op school 2 half days a week (parents usually stay anyway)...
    I know he gets stressed and I do too but there's so much tension and I feel like the kids can't step out of line one centimetre or he flies off the handle..

    Any suggestions? I have learnt to walk away if an argument is about to start but it's not easy. Even his parents tell him he needs to relax.

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    Oh and to let you know, he isn't a bad guy he is a very supportive partner ( apart from this) and father.

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    I don't think you are alone on this. most families will have a good and bad cop parent. My DH too is far stricter/harsher than me. He has little patience and flies off his handle at the smallest of things, whereas I believe in picking my battles. That and I think constantly going off at s child doesn't teach them anything. He too is a loving father etc. I strongly believe parenting should be consistent though, otherwise it sends mixed messages to the child and sets up a good cop/bad cop scenario that the child will use to his/her advantage.

    As I spend more time with my kids I think it comes naturally that I am more patient and tolerant than DH so I have to give him a bit of slack for that. I am trying to 'teach' my DH that positive reinforcement is far more effective than constantly going off at DS1. It's something he is trying to take in but needs reminding and it's a fine line to navigate.

    I think it's something you need to constantly work on and communicate about. Not in the heat of the moment - this comes across as telling them how to parent. But after kids are in bed etc a calm discussion on specific things such as, when Jonny does X, I think we need to do Y, because Z, what do you think? And make a commitment as to how you will both handle it.

    My DH hates being the bad cop and knows that he is - dS1 (4) cries whenever he raises his voice. The thing is DH doesn't even realise he is raising his voice, he is just a big loud man and it comes across harsher than intended. I think he is learning this though it is taking time.

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    We have this issue too but I have a daughter and he has a daughter. I feel like he is much stricter on mine than on his own and it bugs me a lot. We're expecting a baby this year too so I wonder how that'll go when bubs is bigger. I don't think he intends to be strict but he just sometimes sounds rude

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    My hubby and I discipline different, but as a general he stays out of it and let's me do my thing unless I specifically ask him to help out. Purely because we agreed it's best for consistency if one person does the majority of it and I don't mind being bad cop.

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    We have a similar problem but lucky both agree it's about discipline, not punishment. I'm actually the stricter one whereas dh is too permissive imo. Ds is only 2 so I think setting boundaries is pretty important. I think dh lacks a lot of "tools" in his toolbox that would help him with ds' behaviour.

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    I have not read everyone's reply but I will say I do try to not engage in arguments in front of the kids especially if it's about him, though at times I get into fight or flight mode and sometimes do argue back. Mostly I walk away.
    Then later when kids aren't around I try and talk calmly to him and suggest things we both need to do and he still flies off the handle and thinks I'm blaming him. It's very hard.
    I read articles to him about positive parenting, show him youtube videos, I think he listens/watches but when I put those things into action he thinks I'm too soft and he thinks the kids are getting away with everything just because I don't punish. I don't know how many times I need to explain this to him.
    After we have arguments he tells me he will stay out of it but when it comes to next time he starts yelling at the kids.
    Eg my daughter stole some lollies from the supermarket and he rings me up ( he and her were there, he didn't find out til after they were driving) and tells me. I don't know why he didn't deal with it but anyway he says I should deal with it.
    So when they got home I was talking calmly ( but sternly) to her about why we don't steak blah blah and he walks into the bedroom and starts going off his nut saying "she's a thief and you're just letting her get away with it!" I hadn't even finished talking to her and he told me I was to deal with it so I was.
    I keep telling him he doesn't need to constsntly be in control and stress over things. Talking peacefully is more beneficial than the constant yelling and punishing. I do believe discipline and getting kids to say sorry or whatever..

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    If someone does have the answer to this issue I'd be impressed. Parenting together is a situation that any couple has never been in together before. It's hard to completely know someone's upbringing and values when you meet them so it's a bit of a mystery how they will be as a parent until you are in that situation with them. My dp and i struggled a lot in the first couple of years but we are fairly open to listening to each others reasoning so i guess that helps.

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    Default Parenting/disciplining differently to your partner

    We have a similar situation at our house. I try to discipline DD1 in a way that she understands (knows that she's done something wrong and not to do it again but we still love her). DH generally takes my lead but is often harsher - for example, I introduced time outs but will give DD a warning before implementing it, whereas DH will fly off the handle at something that she hasn't realised she's not supposed to do yet, and she goes straight into time out.

    Rather than intervening and contradicting him in front of DD, I wait until it's over and she's moved on before asking him to reconsider how he's done things. I try to give him DD's perspective (she's been punished without warning for doing something she didn't know she wasn't allowed to yet) and that insight seems to work for him. He does get frustrated and feels as though I'm always correcting him or telling him he's doing things wrong, but that's between he & I, rather than DD having to wear it so I'm happier with that.

    I have trouble figuring out how to word things so DH can handle constructive criticism without feeling attacked, so hopefully I can get some tips here 😊
    Last edited by TaylorMade; 30-04-2016 at 13:26.

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    Yeah my mistake is I don't know how to word it so he doesn't think I'm attacking him. And I tell him off ( well in a way) during the time when I probably should back him up first and then talk with him after things calm down. Although having said that he tends to constantly talk over me and the kids and won't let us hsve a say ( I did a post on it the other day) and it can be quite frustrating. I hsve suggested parenting classes and r/ship counceling for communication but he just thinks we are the problem.
    It's hard to get through to him. He isn't always this way, some days he can be ok which I guess to the kid gives them confusing feelings.

    I just think he needs to take a chill-pill and relax. He has a habit of going on and on about things the kids hsve done wrong in the past and can't seem to move forward. It's draining.


 

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