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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Dad moving on quickly after my mums death. Rant.

    So I've decided to post her just to get this out as I'm upset but also to see what other people think they would consider acceptable in this situation. It's going to be long. I'm sorry.

    My mum died from cancer in mid December. She was diagnosed only 6 weeks earlier. My parents had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in feb 2015. So had a very long relationship and were never with anyone else during this time. We were all so proud of them for reaching such a milestone. They were both early 70's.

    I'm obviously not in control of my father and will love him no matter what, but his decisions lately are starting to make me not really want to talk to him much. And that's pretty bad considering I'm his only child out of 4 that calls him at least 3 (sometimes more times a week) and really cares about him. I live interstate from him and it's a 2.5hr flight so can't just go and visit him whenever I like, so calling him is my thing. My oldest brother is angry at my dad for a bad childhood & calls him maybe once a fn and sometimes my dad bumps into him at his work (local shops) again max of 1 time a Fn. my sister has called into visit my dad once since December and phoned him once. She also bumped into him at the shops once. She said he isn't very nice towards her so she doesn't want to be around him (he is def in the 'grumpy old man' stage of life. But nothing I can't brush off) my other brother lives in the US so chats to my dad once a fn on Facebook messenger. Has called dad once or twice since mums death.

    Anyways, 8 weeks after mum died dad had started raving on about his neighbour and how great she was. Then admitted to me that he would like a relationship with her. I thought this was extremely poor form (just my opinion) considering mum hadn't been gone for long & also mum was schizophrenic for 40yrs and often was paranoid that dad was cheating on her (total delusions) and also that he actually treated mum really bad in the last ten years yelling at her for little things and treating her like she was stupid (she was very slow) so to hear him talking about how wonderful someone was hurt me a little because he was so mean to mum. Other things that upset me was the neighbour has Random family members/people living with her that are quite dodgy. Yelling at each other, using drugs and revving cars (dad lives in a bad area) so it worries me that he might get involved and then upset someone and possibly get physically hurt. ALSO the fact that this woman was only 43yrs old. My dad is 73. My youngest brother is 44, sister is 47 and oldest bro is 50. I'm 31. I was shocked.

    I wasn't sure how the neighbour felt about dad, but was concerned that she hadn't told him to back off yet (if she didn't have feelings) so I just thought she must be ok with it. (She's a very forward person) Plus my dad was acting like he thought she was into it. Anyway over the next 2/3 months the neighbour went cold on him and now he knows they are just friends (not sure if she set him straight or not)

    Anyways so I was glad that was sort of done with and I've just called my dad this afternoon & he tells me the lady next door told her she has a 61yr old friend that has just run away from a bad relationship and is now living in her car. In McDonald's carparks to be exact. AND she thinks she is a good match for my dad. So dads been trying to call her and set up dinner. Her phone was off though. Again I'm so shocked. This woman has a daughter that she doesn't talk to anymore and no friends or family that care enough to put her up which screams alarm bells for me. (Could just be a totally bad luck situation) I told dad I didn't think this was a good idea as 1. He doesn't even know her and is chasing her for a date & 2. Her situation rings alarm bells & he totally agreed but said until he meets her he won't know. Arrgh. He said the neighbour wants him to take her for dinner as she is starving most nights.
    Even he admitted she could be an addict for all he knows.

    My dad worked for over 30yrs at a major company and was an accountant. He bought their house when it was brand new 50yrs ago and now the area has turned so bad. My mum and him were extremely quiet, non drug using and boring parents. Totally not cool parents 😄 so it's weird that he is trying to hand around these people that are just a little dodgy. If I wrote the whole story about the ppl in his area id be writing for days.

    I feel like dad is just desperate for company or a relationship which I guess is fair enough but I still feel it's a little too soon in my books. Especially to be chasing women rather that just meeting someone and letting it build slowly. But I guess being married for 50yrs would be hard to loose and be left with nothing.

    Don't really know what I want, just wanted to get that all out. 😄
    Last edited by mrswhitehouse; 27-04-2016 at 21:53.

  2. #2
    TheGooch's Avatar
    TheGooch is offline Winner 2014 - Newbie of the Year
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    Jan 2014
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    I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. Doesn't matter what age we are when we lose them, it's just bloody awful.

    I lost mum when I was 14.

    Dad started a relationship by the time I was 15 and remarried by the time I was 18.

    That marriage lasted about 6 years before it ended and my dad lost his home and half his super. Both of which he had before he married wife #2.

    I don't want to scare you. I'm just sharing that journey.

    Your dad is probably lonely. Really lonely. He probably doesn't know anything other than how he wants to not hurt as much.

    As painful as it is, you may need to just let him have a fling or dinner or company. But whatever you do, see if you can find a way to make sure he protects himself financially. I know it's a tacky subject but I say it because I look at my dad, who worked his whole life, had a decent super set aside for retirement, who only owned his house because my mum left just enough insurance to pay the house off. And who lost half of everything when his second marriage ended.

    If he can't necessarily be protected emotionally, then at least financially so that if things go bad, he's not ruined.

    Ugh I don't know if that was helpful but I really feel for you. It's so hard dealing with your own loss and grief and trying to help your remaining parent deal with theirs.

  3. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to TheGooch For This Useful Post:

    KitiK  (28-04-2016),Little Miss Sunshine  (27-04-2016)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, I can only imagine how tough it would be to see your dad moving on so quickly.

    I wonder if you could chat to your siblings who live near your dad to see if you can get them to reconcile their relationship with him and spend some more time with him? Have scheduled catch ups, so he goes to one of their houses for dinner on Tuesday and another ones house on Thursday. At his age and after being married for so long, he's probably really lost and lonely so is looking for company, and will take it from whoever is willing to give it. Also would he be interested in bowls or some kind of seniors class, maybe you could do some research and let him know what's around. He may even meet someone a little more wholesome at some kind of organized activity.

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Sorry to hear about your mum xx

    I lost my mum on the 9th June last year .... on the 9th September dad tells me he is engaged and he was married on the 6th of February this year.

    She has changed my dad so much... my kids who were always welcome at dads ..(she moved in to dads and has so much clutter everywhere) well we have to call before we go over (never had to do that)

    I could go on all night

    Please pm me if you need to talk

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    This must be so heartbreaking for yourself and your Dad.
    I think it would be a great idea to look into local services for him in his area. Look around on google, give places a call and see what you can find that may help make things a little bit easier for him.
    There are homecare people that can pop in on a weekly basis to do some cleaning, dishes, have a chat with him, take him to the shops or get his dinner ready for him, take him to any drs appointments etc. So he doesn't need to always do these things alone suddenly and also suddenly for himself perhaps, if your Mum used to do a lot of those things for him. The company and knowing a regular home help will be calling in each week can help him focus on that and get routine again.
    See if there is anything like meals on wheels that he may be interested in too so maybe they can call in and drop a few meals off to him each week as well.
    Chexk out any local clubs in the areas, RSLs, afl clubs, bowling clubs etc. A lot obviously have restaurants ans cafes and a lot run certain entertainment nights for over 60s, dancing, music, bingo, social activities and have courtesy buses.
    Libraries and community centres would also be worth looking into.

    I would also get onto your local siblings, ask them to go over and check on him more for you all and him too. Even if it's to call in with some milk and bread for a 5 minute hi i was passing through visit, then for them to work up to staying longer each visit, it's something!

    Good luck i hope you can work all work it out together and that your Dad doesn't end up having a bad experience. Grief can make people not behave as they usually do


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