Warning: long - I guess I'm looking for advice but maybe just also a little moral support? Bub hub has always been such a supportive environment and I've always found writing things down and reading replies to be calming.
My first job in administration after completing my certificate ended really badly after just three months.
The job description was full training provided no experience necessary which at the time felt like exactly the break I needed.
I was in the head office of a company with one other admin worker to train me- and things seemed great... At first.
I put my whole heart into the job. I wrote down everything that I was taught so I could remember for later reference, I took phone calls, I asked questions whenever I was unsure, started early to get through work when it was busy, did my best to run things when my coworker wasn't there (This happened quite a bit before I was trained and stressed me out since no one else knew anything about the job and I didn't feel confident running a head office of many other offices on my own before I could understand how- but I tried my absolute best under pressure) and just basically took on everything I could to try and do a good job.
At first I was told I was great and for the first time ever the office was running smoothly, I was praised by the team and people there just seemed lovely, even my coworker.
But over the three months I was there- I started getting emails with others CC'd in from my coworker/supervisor (same person)chewing me out for mistakes I had made- often in things that were still very new to me. I started getting berated by my coworker- told I was making too many mistakes, not "just doing things myself" fast enough and asking too many questions. Eventually it got to the point where nothing I did seemed good enough and that my coworker was micro managing everything I did and berating everything she could find.
She also started snapping at me for asking any further questions when I wasn't sure about anything. Eventually she gave me the silent treatment and only spoke to other coworkers (not from admin) in front of me while ignoring me completely.
I confronted her a couple of times about this behaviour (i am terrible with confrontation and extremely timid) and about what I could do to improve- but she would just say things to me like "what do you want me to do/say?" In an annoyed tone Or turn it around on me saying I need to communicate with her more if the work is too hard or just be more confident.- she would also make a point to then tell me I was getting too much wrong then go back to snapping or sighing if I asked anything or spoke to her.
I took it to the state manager who was in the same office as us towards the end and told him I was severely uncomfortable and upset (id also broken down crying in the office a few times which was humiliating and he had noticed) he told me she probably was just stressed and that he'd try to work it out. I asked him if I was going to get fired and he told me I was doing great- and that my job was very "sink or swim" so if I wasn't doing well enough he would have told me-
He set a meeting for us both but she refused to attend- stating "she was too busy- we could have a meeting of we liked" so I went in to him and detailed my mistakes, weaknesses and strengths, the things I knew well and what I felt I needed more training in- but the fact she refused to train/talk to me now and I felt unable to ask without feeling incredibly uncomfortable and being put down for doing so or ignored.
He finished my meeting then called her in- she then left the office and didn't come back the rest of the day and he told me they "hadn't agreed" and to just continue on. When she came back the next day- he asked her if she was ok then she came back and did the same things- started with berating me in emails over things that hadn't been done (cc'ing in others) while she was away (when I was bogged down with the entire work of head office on my own)
I felt so hopeless at the job and awful for asking anything that I would up driving home in tears everyday - one day after hearing her on the phone to someone from another office saying she was "sick of this ****" then looking in my direction- I packed up my things, left for lunch in tears and never came back. I went to a doctor (I was a heavily pregnant surrogate at the time) and handed in 7 days sick leave and a resignation stating my reasons for leaving (unable to work in that environment further due to stress)
Now I'm looking for another job for the first time in months- I'm applying for admin because it's all I know that has reasonable hours with kids- but every time I apply for something I feel that sense of panic and fear come back. My anxiety goes through the roof and I start spiralling down with thoughts that I won't be able to do the work or learn quickly enough and will end up being treated the same, getting fired or just being completely confused and unable to do the work. I reach tearing up and feel all the upset, anger, hurt and feeling of worthlessness come back.
I don't know how I can do better than my efforts in that job. I put my all into it and failed. I can only learn as fast as I can learn while doing my best and I follow every means possible always to improve this experience has really shredded any confidence I had (which being knew to the work wasn't exactly skyrocketed to begin with) I have this place listed as a referee and on my resume in a positive light since I did gain three months of experience there and have no prior experience in admin (what choice do I have) the state manager offered to give me a reference. I keep thinking I'm just not smart/accurate/fast/good enough for any job out there I could apply for and will ultimately fail anywhere I go.
I know I have to try- I just have to keep trying until I succeed somewhere because I have three beautiful babies to support on my own and I want to give them everything.
Is it possible I am just really, bad, at working? Was it all my fault or do I just need more time/more support to learn? For those in positions like mine- did you have support learning or were you just able to pick things up within a few weeks then take over? How do you overcome workplace bullying or making mistakes when there is no support and you become an "annoyance" to your workplace?
I'm really not usually such a downer- this has just become a big trigger for me- and unfortunately it's one of those "essential" parts of life to work.
Also any advice on learning quicker/doing better will be taken on board- thanks Bub Hub 💚