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  1. #11
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    A couple of things. Firstly, the cake is the smallest battle here. She just rocks up whenever and brings presents and junk? I'd deal with that first, establish boundaries with visiting and what she can bring. There's no need to bring stuff every time, it just shouts buying the childs love to me - never sat well.

    The cake? Let your DH handle it if you absolutely want to make the cake. If not use the cake as the softening blow. How sweet she wants to make the cake, that's lovely and then while your husband tells her how nice it is he can throw in how unacceptable her surprise visits are.

    Don't get involved until you have to. MIL that have a bit of a 'streak' about them love when their little boys wife fights with them. (experience lol)

  2. #12
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    I think you and your DH need to stop letting things fester and be open (in a timely manner) with your mil about any concerns that arise.

    Different things bother different people - the cake wouldn't bother me - if someone wanted to bake my kid a cake I would jump for joy. I don't do baking. If my mil dropped in unannounced that would probably bother me. My point is your mil isn't a mind reader. If she is continually annoying you chances are it's because you and your DH have danced around the truth for too long.


    Best of luck.

  3. #13
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    I wish my MIL would take an interest in my kids! Sure, I don't want her taking over either, but it would be nice if she wanted to be involved in their lives.

    Anyway, if it were me, I would just let her make the cake and bite my tongue and then next year make it clear that you would like to make the cake. I would say something like "you did a great job on the cake last year and I can do it this year".

    I agree with letting DH tell his mum things as it's his mum, but only if it's something he is likely to say and not out of character, otherwise she'll know it's coming from you and be offended.

    With the coming over unannounced situation, I don't really have any advice there as whatever you say will be upsetting to her no matter how you put it.

    Wishing you all the best.

  4. #14
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    Default In laws help

    My in-laws are going to be overseas when DS turns one, and my parents live overseas so no grandparents which makes me sad.

    They put on a massive bash for my nieces first birthday 5 years ago. Massively annoying.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katiepie45 View Post
    Just after some advice about in laws...not sure if im overreacting.
    My MIL is a really nice lady but quite insensitive about things. She tends to just do what suits her and not think about what us as parents want. She just announced today to my partner shes purchased all the things to make my daughters 4th birthday cake. Firstly she never asked me if she could make my daughters cake and secondly she announced she is making a "racing car" cake - as my daughter likes cars the movie. I am quite put out as this is something I as a mum wanted to do and she never even asked me if this was ok. But now I feel I cant offend her and say no as she has bought a heap of stuff to make it including an expensive cake tin. I am not really keen on my little girl having a "car cake" either, she is a girly girl!!
    MIL also turns up whenever she wants, never calls us first and ALWAYS arrives with presents and unhealthy food. I am just getting to the end of my tether with it all. Don't want a family war but not sure how to tackle it.
    Any advice? Thanks
    I know it's hard, but I would have said something about the cake straight away. Doesn't have to be confronting, something like "oh, that's really kind of you to offer, but I wish you had checked with me first as I already have DD's cake planned out for her party".

    I would get hubby to have a chat with her. Tell her that you want to make the cakes for your kids birthdays as its special to you. I'd wait before asking her to call/text first. If you hit her with both thing at once, she will get more upset.

    I feel for you OP. I'd not like someone thinking they can take over with birthday cakes either. It's something I put hours in to and is special, so think your MIL has overstepped the mark. And the showing up would bother me too as I'm not a "drop in" kind of person. I like warning for visitors so I can have good clothes on, not my trackie pants LOL. You could always say something like "it would be great if you could let us know when you're popping over. We have a fair bit on in the next few months and I'd hate for you to make a trip over only to find we're not home". It's great she's involved and interested though.

    The treats wouldn't bother me so much. It's what grandparents do. If there's lots, just give your DD one and put the rest in the cupboard.

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  7. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by A-Squared View Post
    I think the worst thing she has done is to just assume she could make the cake and not to ask you.

    Having said that I would have been over the moon if someone else offered to make my kids' cakes.

    Also with it being a car cake, given you said your DD liked cars the movie I don't see an issue with that. I know you said she's a girly girl, but if she likes the movie is it so bad she's going to have a less girly cake?

    ETA. If it was her first birthday I'd understand such a level of annoyance, but it's her 4th not a milestone birthday.
    As a mother who has lost a child, please believe me when I say that EVERY birthday is a milestone birthday. Each one should be as special as the last, because you never ever know if they'll be able to celebrate another one.

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  9. #17
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    The cake thing would bother me, purely as I love doing it for my own kids but I would probably let it slide. Or moreso, I would see if there is a way we could make a thing of it, decorating it together etc?? And buy some sugar flowers, pink sprinkles etc.

    The dropping by unannounced would potentially irk me a lot more. Only because I'm a rubbish housekeeper and my house, unless after 10pm when the kids are sleeping, is rarely up to visitor standard. I'm just lucky that if my MIL rocked up and it was a pigsty, she would roll up her sleeves and get cracking on the cleaning with me (to help me, she's a lovely lady). As it is, she lives 10 hours away so we rarely see her but when we do, the kids get chocolates before dinner etc but I just figure she did the mum thing already, now she can do the granny thing. But if it was all the time I would have to say something.

  10. #18
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    Maybe the car cake can be for an afternoon tea at her house and you can still do your own for her actual birthday party.

  11. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamasupial View Post
    Maybe the car cake can be for an afternoon tea at her house and you can still do your own for her actual birthday party.
    Yes that's how I would approach it as well.

    It's great she wants to bake a cake, just make it two different occasions!

  12. #20
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    I think it would have been easier if you spoke up and said something straight away about the cake like others have said. You could even ask her if she would be happy to bake it, then you could decorate it...and just run with the cars theme...if your daughter likes the movie then I'm sure she'll be happy with the cake.
    The coming over unannounced with junk food and presents is one I'd make my DH deal with. His mum means it's up to him to have that conversation.
    Overbearing grandparents can be hard to deal with. I guess you just have to remind yourself their intentions come from a good place, but it's still ok to set boundaries.


 

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