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  1. #1
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    Default Do you tell your kids to defend themselves?

    DS (5) has a cousin 6 months younger and they are best mates but lately the cousin has been extra aggressive ( we all believe from starting pre school and some of the boys he's playing with) and the last few times our boys have been together cousin is deliberately punching/hitting DS when they play soccer or are on the trampoline , DS is naturally not aggressive and never fights back, he sort of just says stop it or I won't play with you if you keep hitting me ( which is what we've always told him to do)

    So tonight we were over at their house and I heard SIL walk outside and said to my DH ( her brother) are you just going to let them do this? I walked out and DS had cousin in a headlock! I told both boys to get up and go inside and shake it off - just now DH said he went out the back when he saw cousin laying into DS and said to DS "Mate if he's deliberately hitting you and won't stop then hit him back" which DS apparently did , this shocked cousin and he sort of gave in to DS

    Now I hate violence of any kind and got cranky with DH saying that I don't want DS to think over powering any one is a good thing and he said he's all for DS not being aggressive but if a kid is laying in to him he needs to fight back or he will just be picked on , especially as he's getting older - bully's pick on kids who they know won't won't fight back, I still had a chat to DS about it and SIL is mortified about her son fighting as well and I'm sure the boys will be fine but what do you tell your kids about this kind of thing ? Do your husbands have the same thoughts as DH ? I don't want DS to think fighting is ok but then I don't want him to not stand up for himself either! I honestly hoped we wouldn't have to worry about this just yet!

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    Hi there, i think responding to violence with violence should not be an option to present to children ( unless it is extreme and you need to act in self defence and there is no option to retreat). Engaging in violence is not something i find acceptable and i wouldn't be projecting that message with my kids. I personally would not reinforce that as being a good option. Walk away, get help. I would try to reinforce other strategies. Maybe you can all sit down and talk to the boys. If the cousin keeps it up, i wouldn't tolerate it. Good luck, i hope it works out. Just my thoughts...

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    I don't tell DS that, but dh does. It's one area I just can't get him see my side on. Thankfully DS doesn't have an aggressive character at all. He is naturally very gentle and passive.

    Maybe about two months ago now one of his good friends ran over to me in pain and said 'DS just kicked me in the tummy'. This shocked me as its.very out of character for him. It turns out that his friend was being mean and upsetting my dd, who was not yet 2. When I told DS to apologize he just flat out wouldn't. Thankfully my friend (the boys mum) knew how out of character this.is for DS. Later on he said to me 'I would have apologized if I was in the wrong, but I don't think I was'. Dh has always told him to stick up for his little sister and that's what he was doing. Dh even high fived him when we told him about it later

    I have tried to say that sticking up for yourself/ your sister is also coming to tell an adult or walking away and playing with someone else... But he so far agrees with his dad here thankfully, this has been the only incident so far where its been an issue (he's in yr 2).
    Last edited by Barnaby; 20-04-2016 at 20:14.

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    I have told my kids to allow 1 chance - tell the person to stop, if they don't and there is no other intervention - defend yourself.

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    It's a really tough call to make. I have always told my sons to speak first - 'stop' 'go away' loudly. If that doesn't work remove yourself. lf there are adults around call out for their attention. Last resort defend yourself.

    Both my ex and DH are quite adamant about boys learning to defend themselves.

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    Quote Originally Posted by binnielici View Post
    It's a really tough call to make. I have always told my sons to speak first - 'stop' 'go away' loudly. If that doesn't work remove yourself. lf there are adults around call out for their attention. Last resort defend yourself.

    Both my ex and DH are quite adamant about boys learning to defend themselves.
    Agree

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    Quote Originally Posted by binnielici View Post
    It's a really tough call to make. I have always told my sons to speak first - 'stop' 'go away' loudly. If that doesn't work remove yourself. lf there are adults around call out for their attention. Last resort defend yourself.

    Both my ex and DH are quite adamant about boys learning to defend themselves.
    I'm the same. My DS is a bit of a leader but not aggressive at all, he's never bitten or hit. DH is the same though, if you get hit then hit back. As a teacher this is mortifying because we always teach to not hit back.

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    My dh is a huge guy and because of his size he's had some experiences where certain other males seem to want to bait him and pick fights. My dh has never been and will never be interested in any kind of physical altercation and he wouldn't be supportive of the idea of teaching our son or daughter to defend themselves physically. I'm thankful about this because there are so many points of disagreement when parenting...like the length of ours kids hair.

    Also, 'defending yourself' as an adult doesn't usually give us the right to assault a person. Defending yourself usually means protecting your body with a protective stance and/fleeing the situation.
    Last edited by Albert01; 20-04-2016 at 22:25.

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    I find this really hard, as a parent of girls, and a teacher. As a teacher, I would tell children not to hit back, & that there are better ways to solve things other than violence. As a mother of girls... I don't want them to think they have to 'lie there and take it' in any aspect of life... thinking particularly as they get older, with regard to s7xual assault, domestic violence, etc. I have taught them that their words are powerful, and they must use their words to defend themselves. We've practiced shouting "STOP!" & "YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!" etc when DD had an issue with a boy hurting her at preschool. I told her to use her voice, scream, shout, etc, but I've not told her to hit back. But if it came down to it... I would prefer her to hit if she had to, and I would want her to know I will 100% support her if she ever feels she has to physically defend herself. She isn't the kind of child who would hit anyway... but I don't know. it might be a conversation we will have to have one day.

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