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  1. #1
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    Default Using spare embryos that also belong to my ex?

    Hi all...its been a long time since I posted. I need some advice from those who have been in this situation before. Let me say right now, I still have yet to approach this with my separated from husband, I was just wondering what others have done.

    So we tried for 12 years for our daughter, 3 of those years were on IVF. We ended up using a donor (egg). My AMAZING friend (who would so very happily donate to me again).
    So last year we decided to jump on that IVF train again for baby 2, but a few months after getting on that train, I found my hubby cheating on me. He chose the other woman, and as far as he is concerned there is no chance of reconciliation as "he doesn't want to hurt her" (his words).

    SO...move us forward 7 months and my mind has been on nothing but the 8 embryos we have in storage. I felt sick at the thought of them just been "thrown away" after trying SO long and hard to get them. And putting my friend through the process of IVF for them. I felt awfully attached to them. I told my (ex) husband he needed to take care of them.
    My friend, who I talk to a lot, did some ringing around and long story the embryos have not been destroyed as I first thought, but still existing in the freezer. So of course that dream of #2 is back and wont go away. It never really did. I very much wanted to be a mum of more than one and would love for my daughter to have a sibling. I know how great it is to have (in my case) brothers.

    Has anyone else been in this situation where they have embryos in storage, wanted another child and have since separated from their partner?
    What did you do?
    I feel at such a loss...I cant bear the thought of just letting them go, its breaking my heart and I would very much love #2....even if that means doing it all on my own.
    Advice is welcome.

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    TheGooch is offline Winner 2014 - Newbie of the Year
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    I haven't been in this situation. I'm sorry Op, for everything. The cheating a55hole ex and the desire for Bub #2.
    You may need to find out the legalities of using the embryo. Who does the embryo belong to? I'm sorry for the awkward language, im not sure if embryos "belong" to anyone. But that was my first thought. Is it considered yours, the donors, your exes or a combination?

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    babyno1onboard  (17-04-2016),nightdreamer  (17-04-2016)

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    Hi sorry that you are in this position. Sounds awful that you are now needing to think of what to do.

    My advice would be to speak to your clinic to see what you signed. Some clinics have a policy that they destroy embryos if the relationship dissolves (and they are made aware of this). Others allow you to use them with the other persons consent.

    It should be outlined in your paperwork because you would be consented to all of this in the beginning. I definitely would recommend talking to your ex. The last thing you would want is a legal battle on your hands and dragging a child (or 2) through that.

    If you cannot use them then I would say get your friend to donate again and use donor sperm also. It's easy enough to do providing you have the cash flow to go through that again. I know you were attached to the other
    embryos but they are equally his so he really needs to be involved one way or another.

    Again, sorry that you even have to think about this. It's awful 😔

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    Quote Originally Posted by GucciDahling View Post
    Who does the embryo belong to? I'm sorry for the awkward language, im not sure if embryos "belong" to anyone. But that was my first thought. Is it considered yours, the donors, your exes or a combination?
    Agree...and thats why I have said I have yet to ask him. And I that means more than just "can I have them". My friend sees them as mine (should I want them). She is happy for me to use them or not. She does not want them donated, which is more than fair enough. And I will respect that wish.

    My advice would be to speak to your clinic to see what you signed. Some clinics have a policy that they destroy embryos if the relationship dissolves (and they are made aware of this). Others allow you to use them with the other persons consent.
    If you cannot use them then I would say get your friend to donate again and use donor sperm also. It's easy enough to do providing you have the cash flow to go through that again.
    I did ring them when it first happened. The lady said that the will stay on ice until further notice. She also sent me some paper work to fill out that meant that neither of us could use an embryo without the consent of the other. At this stage I guess its the 2nd part, I can use them with consent...though of course I would need to ring and check. At the time, a lot of things went in one ear and out the other.
    I sadly am not in the financial position to do the donation again. Doing IVF for the 3 years wiped us out. We had only just gathered enough funds together to do a transfer when it all happened. I guess, these embryos are my last and what I feel is my only hope.
    Last edited by nightdreamer; 17-04-2016 at 20:37.

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    As long as my ex was OK with me using them I would do so happily. Would they then be considered donor embryos for CS purposes?

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    What an upsetting situation OP.

    I have no advice, but maybe a good question to ask yourself would be how you would feel if he asked you the same question, to have the embryos and use them with his new partner?

    Hugs to you xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ngaiz View Post
    Would they then be considered donor embryos for CS purposes?
    Thats a really good question! I would be happy to take full responsibility should he not want to be recognized as the father..but then that just brings in a lot of ...but what if's. So my Daughter gets to see her dad and spend time with him, what of child 2? How would they feel about that.

    Quote Originally Posted by misho View Post
    I have no advice, but maybe a good question to ask yourself would be how you would feel if he asked you the same question, to have the embryos and use them with his new partner?
    If he wanted to use them with her, then hell no!! I have known her my whole life and to do what she did with him, when she saw herself the struggle we had to have children...

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    When you signed your original paperwork you would have put down what would happen on this situation. The egg donor has no say as they legally ceased being hers after EPU. Of course you can take her wishes into consideration but you aren't bound to.

    You can't use them without your ex's consent. He will probably be liable for child support for any resulting children but you would need to double check this with the CSA. Do you think he would be amenable to you having them?

    Your best bet it to talk to your clinic and find out exactly where you stand before speaking to your ex.

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    Quote Originally Posted by nightdreamer View Post
    Thats a really good question! I would be happy to take full responsibility should he not want to be recognized as the father..but then that just brings in a lot of ...but what if's. So my Daughter gets to see her dad and spend time with him, what of child 2? How would they feel about that.
    If it were me I too would happily take full financial responsibility as I would prefer my children to be full siblings as opposed to half if I did a full donor cycle. Dh only has half siblings and to see the difference in the way he is treated is heartbreaking.

    I would still allow full contact with Dad (hopefully he would be OK with that). I guess that becomes part of the discussion you need to have. Also, if you don't want him using them with his new partner is there the chance she will veto you using them to prevent him being 'tied' to you by a second child?..

    Sorry, I have actually gone through all of this in my head before because there was a time after Dd was born that I didn't think we would still be together to have a second and these are all the questions I had running through my mind.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pixie Dust View Post
    When you signed your original paperwork you would have put down what would happen on this situation. The egg donor has no say as they legally ceased being hers after EPU. Of course you can take her wishes into consideration but you aren't bound to.

    You can't use them without your ex's consent. He will probably be liable for child support for any resulting children but you would need to double check this with the CSA. Do you think he would be amenable to you having them?

    Your best bet it to talk to your clinic and find out exactly where you stand before speaking to your ex.
    I honestly can't remember what we said in this case. I know that if either of us were to pass away we gave rights to the other to use or not use them. As for a break up...i hit a blank
    I know my friend has a legal right to say if they are donated to another couple/woman. With that she has a right or say...that I remember.
    I wouldn't try use them (even if I was allowed to) without his consent. I don't think that would be fair and poses so many "this is wrong" comments/thoughts...despite what he did...I would still do the right thing.
    To be honest I don't know....we are pretty amicable and had done things together with our daughter a couple of months back. So possible...but then I can't say yes or no for sure either way...its a tough one

    This is as I said all without asking him and it may all be mute. There wasn't much out there in the way of what others have done in this situation, with the exception of US and UK.
    Last edited by nightdreamer; 17-04-2016 at 21:24.


 

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