+ Reply to Thread
Page 6 of 9 FirstFirst ... 45678 ... LastLast
Results 51 to 60 of 88
  1. #51
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,708
    Thanks
    893
    Thanked
    2,784
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by lileitak View Post
    Re: the phone, I'm sorry but if you're in a committed relationship there should be nothing on your phone to hide. If you or your partner is hiding sh&t then there is a problem.

    My rule is, do nothing I wouldn't do in front of DH or care if he saw / read.
    Not necessarily. I have quite intimate conversations with friends who I don't see or talk to on the phone, very close friends. I often confide in them about my mental health issues, any problems I might be having with DH or just conversation that is private. I don't necessarily want DH privvy to those conversations. For me being in a relationship doesn't mean necessarily sharing every single thought or feeling. That's why I have friends and other people in my life who fulfil different roles. Sure, DH is my life partner but for me that doesn't give an automatic right to be privvy to every single interaction I have with other people in my life (NB. my three closest friends all live out of state/overseas and messaging is easier than arranging a mutually agreeable time to talk).

  2. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Moxy For This Useful Post:

    Ashar  (16-04-2016),DT75  (16-04-2016),Janesmum123  (16-04-2016),Renn  (16-04-2016),smallpotatoes  (16-04-2016),Sonja  (16-04-2016)

  3. #52
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    10,495
    Thanks
    1,430
    Thanked
    9,003
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 17/10/14100 Posts in a week
    I agree with @Moxy. My phone is private and I'd be furious if DH went through my messages.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to Sonja For This Useful Post:

    VicPark  (16-04-2016)

  5. #53
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    21,650
    Thanks
    15,094
    Thanked
    11,259
    Reviews
    14
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the WeekBusiest Member of the Week - week ended 5/2/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 31/10/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 24/10/14Busiest Member of the Week
    Our approach is totally different. We are in this together. We are partners. He can search through anything of mine and I can go through his stuff if we so desired. It would be extremely rare if we did but we have that understanding.

    That is how OUR marriage works. Maybe the op has a similar arrangements.

    Anyhow the fact he is spending the op families money on something that is causing her pain, is enough reason to ask him to stop.
    Any action we do as part of partnership shouldn't deliberately hurt partner. If one partner stands up and says this is hurting me the other partner must take that seriously.

  6. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LoveLivesHere For This Useful Post:

    Ashar  (16-04-2016),delirium  (16-04-2016),Moxy  (16-04-2016),Redcorset  (17-04-2016)

  7. #54
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,708
    Thanks
    893
    Thanked
    2,784
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by LoveLivesHere View Post
    Our approach is totally different. We are in this together. We are partners. He can search through anything of mine and I can go through his stuff if we so desired. It would be extremely rare if we did but we have that understanding.

    That is how OUR marriage works. Maybe the op has a similar arrangements.

    Anyhow the fact he is spending the op families money on something that is causing her pain, is enough reason to ask him to stop.
    Any action we do as part of partnership shouldn't deliberately hurt partner. If one partner stands up and says this is hurting me the other partner must take that seriously.
    Your last part hit the nail on the head. He needs to be open to having a discussion about this given the OP's feelings. I also agree that the fact money is being spent on p.orn is something that makes it more than just a trivial glance and more something he is committed to which I think the OP needs to agree to if they share finances.

  8. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Moxy For This Useful Post:

    Ashar  (16-04-2016),binnielici  (16-04-2016),LoveLivesHere  (16-04-2016)

  9. #55
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    1,351
    Thanks
    558
    Thanked
    728
    Reviews
    5
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Moxy View Post
    Not necessarily. I have quite intimate conversations with friends who I don't see or talk to on the phone, very close friends. I often confide in them about my mental health issues, any problems I might be having with DH or just conversation that is private. I don't necessarily want DH privvy to those conversations. For me being in a relationship doesn't mean necessarily sharing every single thought or feeling. That's why I have friends and other people in my life who fulfil different roles. Sure, DH is my life partner but for me that doesn't give an automatic right to be privvy to every single interaction I have with other people in my life (NB. my three closest friends all live out of state/overseas and messaging is easier than arranging a mutually agreeable time to talk).
    We can agree to disagree. Personally, I won't keep a record of anything I don't want him to see. Also, I wouldn't say anything to a friend that I wouldn't say to him. I don't think that is fair to him, though I know a lot of people do it.

    That's not to say I don't vent to friends, but it's within reason.

    And I'm not saying it's right if my husband started randomly snooping through my phone, each person is entitled to privacy. BUT there is nothing in there I would be embarrassed if he saw. That includes email.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to ilex For This Useful Post:

    Ashar  (16-04-2016)

  11. #56
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    3,588
    Thanks
    132
    Thanked
    1,604
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I have a passcode on my ph so H can't go through it. What I do on my ph is my business not his. He doesn't get to decide what I do or who I talk to.

  12. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Louise41 For This Useful Post:

    Ashar  (16-04-2016),NORgirl  (16-04-2016)

  13. #57
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Posts
    250
    Thanks
    323
    Thanked
    168
    Reviews
    0
    I feel really sorry for OP who is clearly not in a good place. My suggestion would be to take your feelings seriously. It's not about what he does or doesn't do, which is controlling, but about you being unhappy (in the relationship? Life in general?)

    I'm sorry to say but I get a blaming, accusatory, controlling vibe from your posts. None of which will help you rekindle that spark.

    im not at all saying its your fault, but the only part in this that you can control is you.

    id ask him to babysit and hit the town with girlfriends or by yourself. I'm not saying flirt or cheat for revenge but try to regain yourself and your feeling happy and radiant and "enough". You are. Every woman is.

    then take a step back, try to see him for who he is, not who you want him to be and ask yourself are you still willing to love that person. If the answer is yes then do so.

    Could it be and I'm only guessing, that being by yourself a lot you don't get a chance to indulge your femininity much, to receive? Perhaps he doesn't feel like "the man" either but can't express it?
    Last edited by NORgirl; 16-04-2016 at 19:07.

  14. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to NORgirl For This Useful Post:

    Ashar  (16-04-2016),Redcorset  (17-04-2016)

  15. #58
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    23
    Thanks
    43
    Thanked
    6
    Reviews
    0
    Please don't quote, I may delete.

    Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Firstly I note that going through his phone wasn't my best move but to be fair he has always said he didn't mind if I looked through his phone right back from day dot before phones had pin codes on them, & I never did. Even after pin codes he'd tell me the code & I'd never take notice and still never knew what it was because I never felt the need to look. The p0rns only on the phone because his work place has had internet cut off to the workers personal room so they can't access it in their rooms any more.

    As for any underlying problems in our relationship yes there are a lot. He says I'm always crabby & he's probably right. We were TTC for years, with 6 years of IVF, 6 MC & finally got pregnant with donor eggs. I spent most of the pregnancy on my own while he worked 6 weeks away 2 weeks home. He was home for the birth then went back to work when babies were 4 weeks old. So that's my poor me story, I put so much effort into conceiving the children I didn't think ahead about what it would be like & how much work it would be when they came, although it's easier now. So I have stayed at home for the last 31/2 years & practically given up everything, I have low self esteem & confidence which doesn't help things.

    As for the trust issues & the suspicions there has been a few small things over the years, probably over the last 5 years, but nothing major. Like me desperately trying to contact him when I knew he should have been contactable and couldn't get him, him showing me photos of his travel overseas (for work) when a picture of him with a beer and two woman pops up "tourists" he said. And recently he said to me, after me questioning him about messages from other women, that he didn't care what I did or who I did it with so long as he didn't find out. He recently apologised for that.

    So it's not just the p0rn, that just seems to be the straw that broke the camels back (me being the camel).

  16. The Following User Says Thank You to Ashar For This Useful Post:

    NORgirl  (16-04-2016)

  17. #59
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Posts
    250
    Thanks
    323
    Thanked
    168
    Reviews
    0
    You are very courageous. Thank you for sharing and huge congrats on the babies! IVF is HARD and so is pregnancy!!!

    may I recommend a resource? Rori rayes book has a lot about finding yourself again. http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com (if you Ignore the circular dating thing)

  18. The Following User Says Thank You to NORgirl For This Useful Post:

    Ashar  (16-04-2016)

  19. #60
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,708
    Thanks
    893
    Thanked
    2,784
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    OP, I'm not at all suggesting you're in the wrong or trying to blame you or anything like that. The point I was trying to make was that in my mind there would need to be a reason that you had gone through his phone, something in your mind that triggered this need to find out something and this is what you found. I just wouldn't consider it regular, everyday behaviour to go through someone's phone and I was wondering what the impetus for that action was and therefore, was the issue deeper and more complex than him simply looking at p.orn IYKWIM. Thread did get slightly derailed there about phone checking etc but whether someone should or shouldn't is kind of beside the point I was trying to make. I was more attempting to understand why you did and what that in conjunction with him looking at p.orn might mean.

  20. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Moxy For This Useful Post:

    Ashar  (16-04-2016),DaveTTC  (16-04-2016)


 
+ Reply to Thread
Page 6 of 9 FirstFirst ... 45678 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Thread on mother/daughter relationships?
    By Happy Camper in forum Discipline & behaviour
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 11-08-2015, 18:46

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Pebblebee
Parents spend hours looking for things they need NOW. The keys, the remote, darling daughter's treasured teddy. Stop wasting precious time looking & start finding with Bub Hub reviewed Pebblebee Smart Tag. Simply attach a Pebblebee and find it fast.
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
LCF Fun Languages Australia
We offer foreign language lessons for children 2-12 yrs in French, Spanish, Mandarin, Italian or German as after-school and preschool clubs or private language tuition. This is play-based, full immersion language learning with proven results!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!