Our approach is totally different. We are in this together. We are partners. He can search through anything of mine and I can go through his stuff if we so desired. It would be extremely rare if we did but we have that understanding.
That is how OUR marriage works. Maybe the op has a similar arrangements.
Anyhow the fact he is spending the op families money on something that is causing her pain, is enough reason to ask him to stop.
Any action we do as part of partnership shouldn't deliberately hurt partner. If one partner stands up and says this is hurting me the other partner must take that seriously.
That's not to say I don't vent to friends, but it's within reason.
And I'm not saying it's right if my husband started randomly snooping through my phone, each person is entitled to privacy. BUT there is nothing in there I would be embarrassed if he saw. That includes email.
I have a passcode on my ph so H can't go through it. What I do on my ph is my business not his. He doesn't get to decide what I do or who I talk to.
I feel really sorry for OP who is clearly not in a good place. My suggestion would be to take your feelings seriously. It's not about what he does or doesn't do, which is controlling, but about you being unhappy (in the relationship? Life in general?)
I'm sorry to say but I get a blaming, accusatory, controlling vibe from your posts. None of which will help you rekindle that spark.
im not at all saying its your fault, but the only part in this that you can control is you.
id ask him to babysit and hit the town with girlfriends or by yourself. I'm not saying flirt or cheat for revenge but try to regain yourself and your feeling happy and radiant and "enough". You are. Every woman is.
then take a step back, try to see him for who he is, not who you want him to be and ask yourself are you still willing to love that person. If the answer is yes then do so.
Could it be and I'm only guessing, that being by yourself a lot you don't get a chance to indulge your femininity much, to receive? Perhaps he doesn't feel like "the man" either but can't express it?
Last edited by NORgirl; 16-04-2016 at 19:07.
Please don't quote, I may delete.
Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Firstly I note that going through his phone wasn't my best move but to be fair he has always said he didn't mind if I looked through his phone right back from day dot before phones had pin codes on them, & I never did. Even after pin codes he'd tell me the code & I'd never take notice and still never knew what it was because I never felt the need to look. The p0rns only on the phone because his work place has had internet cut off to the workers personal room so they can't access it in their rooms any more.
As for any underlying problems in our relationship yes there are a lot. He says I'm always crabby & he's probably right. We were TTC for years, with 6 years of IVF, 6 MC & finally got pregnant with donor eggs. I spent most of the pregnancy on my own while he worked 6 weeks away 2 weeks home. He was home for the birth then went back to work when babies were 4 weeks old. So that's my poor me story, I put so much effort into conceiving the children I didn't think ahead about what it would be like & how much work it would be when they came, although it's easier now. So I have stayed at home for the last 31/2 years & practically given up everything, I have low self esteem & confidence which doesn't help things.
As for the trust issues & the suspicions there has been a few small things over the years, probably over the last 5 years, but nothing major. Like me desperately trying to contact him when I knew he should have been contactable and couldn't get him, him showing me photos of his travel overseas (for work) when a picture of him with a beer and two woman pops up "tourists" he said. And recently he said to me, after me questioning him about messages from other women, that he didn't care what I did or who I did it with so long as he didn't find out. He recently apologised for that.
So it's not just the p0rn, that just seems to be the straw that broke the camels back (me being the camel).
You are very courageous. Thank you for sharing and huge congrats on the babies! IVF is HARD and so is pregnancy!!!
may I recommend a resource? Rori rayes book has a lot about finding yourself again. http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com (if you Ignore the circular dating thing)
OP, I'm not at all suggesting you're in the wrong or trying to blame you or anything like that. The point I was trying to make was that in my mind there would need to be a reason that you had gone through his phone, something in your mind that triggered this need to find out something and this is what you found. I just wouldn't consider it regular, everyday behaviour to go through someone's phone and I was wondering what the impetus for that action was and therefore, was the issue deeper and more complex than him simply looking at p.orn IYKWIM. Thread did get slightly derailed there about phone checking etc but whether someone should or shouldn't is kind of beside the point I was trying to make. I was more attempting to understand why you did and what that in conjunction with him looking at p.orn might mean.
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