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  1. #41
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    I could care less what others do and if they are fine with their partners watching it, each to their own blah blah. But I feel a bit sorry for the OP, many of the posts are almost accusatory. She has clearly said she isn't ok with this and checked his phone bc of the message. I don't check DH's phone, or computer or anything at all for that matter. But in the context of her story, that message probably would have raised my eyebrows tbh.

    He is watching it behind her back. He is neglecting her physically and emotionally and his behaviour may well be suspect. Not saying he is cheating but I understand why OP may be worried about it. Telling her she is at fault here is unfair imo

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  3. #42
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    I haven't read all responses.
    My partner does, we do together sometimes, doesn't generally bother me. In reality, he has every right to his own sexuality. I can understand that he would feel you violated his trust by going through his phone.

    That said, if it bothers you, then that's perfectly reasonable too. Perhaps you ought to si down when you're both calm, and discuss how you feel and why.

    Hopefully you can find a solution that works for you both.

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  5. #43
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    To me, the problem isn't porn (I watch it too).
    The problem is the lack of intimacy and respect in the relationship- on both sides.
    He is FIFO and you have kids so he should spend the majority (not all as he is entitled to time 'off') of his home time with his family.
    You should not be going through his phone- it's private property, whivh means something even in a marriage.

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  7. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamasupial View Post
    I see this as way worse than watching porn..
    Yep

  8. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    You should not be going through his phone- it's private property, whivh means something even in a marriage.
    So you would never go through a partner's phone, even if you felt you had good cause?

  9. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    So you would never go through a partner's phone, even if you felt you had good cause?
    Correct. If I feel a partner is hiding something, I ask them.
    If I feel they are not honest, I leave.

    And yes, I have been cheated on and dealt with it this way.

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  11. #47
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    Re: the phone, I'm sorry but if you're in a committed relationship there should be nothing on your phone to hide. If you or your partner is hiding sh&t then there is a problem.

    My rule is, do nothing I wouldn't do in front of DH or care if he saw / read.

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  13. #48
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    I don't like it. I know that's not a popular opinion these days as our society is saturated with it, but I hate it for a number of reasons. Many of which have already been mentioned.

    I read some research recently where they showed people p.orn (women and men), and then showed them non p.orn pictures of women and both the men and women had more hostile reactions to the women after viewing p.orn. The kind of p.orn that's commonly consumed contributes to misogyny. Anyway, I'll leave it there as I can get a bit rant-y about this subject. (sorry).

    Its understandable that you're upset. And you don't have to be okay with p/orn in your relationship, especially if its having an impact on your intimacy.

    Big hugs, what a shock for you, and extra difficult if he's FIFO so you can't just sit down and talk it through. Good luck.

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  15. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    Correct. If I feel a partner is hiding something, I ask them.
    If I feel they are not honest, I leave.

    And yes, I have been cheated on and dealt with it this way.
    That's fair enough we each deal with it how we see fit. The reason why people do it, is that ending a marriage with kids involved is a huge decision. Many don't want to make it on a feeling alone. Just speaking for me personally, I'd have to know the truth, and IME they are rarely honest. I couldn't end my relationship based on suspecting *maybe* something was going on.

    Granted, I agree with others that whether you find anything, the relationship is in serious trouble. Either the lack of trust is warranted and the marriage is on the rocks. Or it is all in your head and therefore you have huge insecurity and trust issues, meaning that the marriage is on the rocks. I just don't think it's fair to tell the OP that bc she looked at his phone she is somehow the one in the wrong here bc others wouldn't have done so. I don't think there is a right answer here.

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  17. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    That's fair enough we each deal with it how we see fit. The reason why people do it, is that ending a marriage with kids involved is a huge decision. Many don't want to make it on a feeling alone. Just speaking for me personally, I'd have to know the truth, and IME they are rarely honest. I couldn't end my relationship based on suspecting *maybe* something was going on.

    Granted, I agree with others that whether you find anything, the relationship is in serious trouble. Either the lack of trust is warranted and the marriage is on the rocks. Or it is all in your head and therefore you have huge insecurity and trust issues, meaning that the marriage is on the rocks. I just don't think it's fair to tell the OP that bc she looked at his phone she is somehow the one in the wrong here bc others wouldn't have done so. I don't think there is a right answer here.
    Yeah I get that.

    That's why I started my response with 'To me'


 
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