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  1. #41
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    To me, the problem isn't porn (I watch it too).
    The problem is the lack of intimacy and respect in the relationship- on both sides.
    He is FIFO and you have kids so he should spend the majority (not all as he is entitled to time 'off') of his home time with his family.
    You should not be going through his phone- it's private property, whivh means something even in a marriage.

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  3. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamasupial View Post
    I see this as way worse than watching porn..
    Yep

  4. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    You should not be going through his phone- it's private property, whivh means something even in a marriage.
    So you would never go through a partner's phone, even if you felt you had good cause?

  5. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    So you would never go through a partner's phone, even if you felt you had good cause?
    Correct. If I feel a partner is hiding something, I ask them.
    If I feel they are not honest, I leave.

    And yes, I have been cheated on and dealt with it this way.

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  7. #45
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    Re: the phone, I'm sorry but if you're in a committed relationship there should be nothing on your phone to hide. If you or your partner is hiding sh&t then there is a problem.

    My rule is, do nothing I wouldn't do in front of DH or care if he saw / read.

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  9. #46
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    I don't like it. I know that's not a popular opinion these days as our society is saturated with it, but I hate it for a number of reasons. Many of which have already been mentioned.

    I read some research recently where they showed people p.orn (women and men), and then showed them non p.orn pictures of women and both the men and women had more hostile reactions to the women after viewing p.orn. The kind of p.orn that's commonly consumed contributes to misogyny. Anyway, I'll leave it there as I can get a bit rant-y about this subject. (sorry).

    Its understandable that you're upset. And you don't have to be okay with p/orn in your relationship, especially if its having an impact on your intimacy.

    Big hugs, what a shock for you, and extra difficult if he's FIFO so you can't just sit down and talk it through. Good luck.

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  11. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    Correct. If I feel a partner is hiding something, I ask them.
    If I feel they are not honest, I leave.

    And yes, I have been cheated on and dealt with it this way.
    That's fair enough we each deal with it how we see fit. The reason why people do it, is that ending a marriage with kids involved is a huge decision. Many don't want to make it on a feeling alone. Just speaking for me personally, I'd have to know the truth, and IME they are rarely honest. I couldn't end my relationship based on suspecting *maybe* something was going on.

    Granted, I agree with others that whether you find anything, the relationship is in serious trouble. Either the lack of trust is warranted and the marriage is on the rocks. Or it is all in your head and therefore you have huge insecurity and trust issues, meaning that the marriage is on the rocks. I just don't think it's fair to tell the OP that bc she looked at his phone she is somehow the one in the wrong here bc others wouldn't have done so. I don't think there is a right answer here.

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  13. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    That's fair enough we each deal with it how we see fit. The reason why people do it, is that ending a marriage with kids involved is a huge decision. Many don't want to make it on a feeling alone. Just speaking for me personally, I'd have to know the truth, and IME they are rarely honest. I couldn't end my relationship based on suspecting *maybe* something was going on.

    Granted, I agree with others that whether you find anything, the relationship is in serious trouble. Either the lack of trust is warranted and the marriage is on the rocks. Or it is all in your head and therefore you have huge insecurity and trust issues, meaning that the marriage is on the rocks. I just don't think it's fair to tell the OP that bc she looked at his phone she is somehow the one in the wrong here bc others wouldn't have done so. I don't think there is a right answer here.
    Yeah I get that.

    That's why I started my response with 'To me'

  14. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by lileitak View Post
    Re: the phone, I'm sorry but if you're in a committed relationship there should be nothing on your phone to hide. If you or your partner is hiding sh&t then there is a problem.

    My rule is, do nothing I wouldn't do in front of DH or care if he saw / read.
    Not necessarily. I have quite intimate conversations with friends who I don't see or talk to on the phone, very close friends. I often confide in them about my mental health issues, any problems I might be having with DH or just conversation that is private. I don't necessarily want DH privvy to those conversations. For me being in a relationship doesn't mean necessarily sharing every single thought or feeling. That's why I have friends and other people in my life who fulfil different roles. Sure, DH is my life partner but for me that doesn't give an automatic right to be privvy to every single interaction I have with other people in my life (NB. my three closest friends all live out of state/overseas and messaging is easier than arranging a mutually agreeable time to talk).

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  16. #50
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    I agree with @Moxy. My phone is private and I'd be furious if DH went through my messages.

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