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  1. #11
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    Anything else going on in your relationship? Any stressors?

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    We have almost 3 year old twins!
    I first checked through his phone after him receiving messages through messenger from a woman he'd meet one night & the next day she messages him calling him darl & Hun. I didn't think it was appropriate but he didn't see a problem. He is a solo musician so goes out playing gigs most weekends. I stay home with the children.

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    I don't mind DH watching it, I don't know many guys who don't watch it. But if your DH is watching it every night instead of being intimate with you, then there are issues which have nothing to do with p0rn. The p0rn is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.
    Maybe have a think about whether there are issues in your relationship that need to be addressed and worked on, and then go from there?

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    I don't really know what my DH looks at on his phone, I've never go through his phone. Same on the shared PC, I don't check the browser history so I don't know if he's looked at p.orn. TBH he doesn't strike me as the kind of person that would though.
    Personally, I've looked at amateur p.orn a little on my phone, nothing hardcore and none of the scripted "acted" stuff. If my DH was looking at similar stuff I wouldn't care. Hardcore, illegal stuff would bother me. Acted "OTT" stuff would probably irk me more than bother me simply because I don't see the appeal.

    As an aside, why were you going through his phone? Has something else triggered this? I'm in the camp that believes being in a relationship doesn't forfeit one's right to privacy and for me that's kind of where it's a blurry line. I don't really care if my husband picks up my phone to use it for a specific purpose but I'd be a bit peeved if he was snooping and wonder why he felt the need to do so. Likewise, I might answer his if it's ringing but I don't look through his browser history or messages or anything, I don't see the need to. To me it suggests you have other underlying issues if you've deliberately gone through his phone with the intention of discovering something. If you've randomly picked it up and happened to see his browser already open to a p.orn website then that's different.
    Last edited by Moxy; 15-04-2016 at 20:47.

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    Default Por.nography and relationships

    I have a 'don't ask, don't tell' thing going on with our relationship in relation to this. We have a very good sex life and have no underlying issues within our relationship so if he does watch it I'm not bothered. I watch it occasionally on my phone in private, so I would be a hypocrite if I had a problem with DP watching it now and then. But like I said, we don't even discuss it as if he is it isn't affecting us at all.

    Edit: I never ever go through DP's phone. I do think it's an invasion of privacy so I don't do it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashar View Post
    We have almost 3 year old twins!
    I first checked through his phone after him receiving messages through messenger from a woman he'd meet one night & the next day she messages him calling him darl & Hun. I didn't think it was appropriate but he didn't see a problem. He is a solo musician so goes out playing gigs most weekends. I stay home with the children.
    I see this as way worse than watching porn..

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    Quote Originally Posted by Moxy View Post
    I don't really know what my DH looks at on his phone, I've never go through his phone. Same on the shared PC, I don't check the browser history so I don't know if he's looked at p.orn. TBH he doesn't strike me as the kind of person that would though.
    Personally, I've looked at amateur p.orn a little on my phone, nothing hardcore and none of the scripted "acted" stuff. If my DH was looking at similar stuff I wouldn't care. Hardcore, illegal stuff would bother me. Acted "OTT" stuff would probably irk me more than bother me simply because I don't see the appeal.

    As an aside, why were you going through his phone? Has something else triggered this? I'm in the camp that believes being in a relationship doesn't forfeit one's right to privacy and for me that's kind of where it's a blurry line. I don't really care if my husband picks up my phone to use it for a specific purpose but I'd be a bit peeved if he was snooping and wonder why he felt the need to do so. Likewise, I might answer his if it's ringing but I don't look through his browser history or messages or anything, I don't see the need to. To me it suggests you have other underlying issues if you've deliberately gone through his phone with the intention of discovering something. If you've randomly picked it up and happened to see his browser already open to a p.orn website then that's different.
    We've been together for 15 years and I'd never gone through his phone before and never even thought about doing so. It wasn't until I'd seen messenger flash up on his screen "are you playing today Babe" (music) and similar stuff that I started to wonder. I also never thought he'd be looking at p0rn & and subscribing to sites & using our money to do so.

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    I'm sorry Op, this is obviously a really difficult time.
    I'm not so worried about you going through his phone. One wrong doesn't excuse another IMO.
    Like @Mamasupial id be more concerned about the woman messaging him and the fact that he's subscribed to p.orn sites with joint money.
    But more than any of that, it's no wonder you're feeling sad if you're feeling physically disconnected from your partner. If you feel as though he doesn't want you physically. Can you tell him that? Not the p.orn, not the going through his phone, just "I love you and want to feel close to you. I feel sad that we're not having sex" or something like that.

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    Yeah, the babe thing would kind of make me twitch but I know a lot of women who speak that way to all and sundry so it might be nothing on his part. Paying for subscriptions is a different kettle of fish IMO. To me that's more than just casually having a gander. He's walking a fine line but given that line is in a different place between couples and also between individuals within a relationship, it can be one that's easy to cross depending on where you stand. I can honestly say DH and I have never discussed "what's allowed" etc, I think it can vary and change and be a fluid concept depending on where you are in your life. Hopefully over the next day or so he's open to having a discussion about it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashar View Post
    We've been together for 15 years and I'd never gone through his phone before and never even thought about doing so. It wasn't until I'd seen messenger flash up on his screen "are you playing today Babe" (music) and similar stuff that I started to wonder. I also never thought he'd be looking at p0rn & and subscribing to sites & using our money to do so.
    That message alone wouldn't have been enough to make me snoop.

    So you have 3 year old twins, your hubby is FIFO and plays music late on weekends when he is home?


 

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