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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Agree. I kind of flip things on their head and ask myself: if my husband cooked me a meal I didn't want (not hungry, don't like the dinner itself) would it be ok that he ensured I went to bed without tea?

    If I did something wrong/made him angry is it ok for him to 'smack' me?

    I'm well aware I'm an adult, but does it really matter? If anything it can be argued that a child doesn't have the hindsight, communication skills and impulse control that we do.

    I don't think a parent that gives their child a tap on the bum every so often is a bad parent, far from it. Nor one that puts their child in time out for 5 mins for a 5 year old. But I just don't buy 'it's my child I'll do what I want'. They aren't chattel they are people.
    If my husband cooked me a meal (😂😂😂😂😂😂) I would try it and if I truly didn't like it tell him nicely. If I wasn't hungry I wouldn't expect him to cook me something an hour later. I would eat the previous meal. If I wasn't respectful enough to do those things I would go to be hungry.

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  3. #22
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    yeah but you wouldn't really cook something you know your child hated and expect them to eat it. if my kid hated lamb but dh and I were dead set on having a roast lamb for dinner, I'd prepare a side of chicken nuggets for ds as I wouldn't expect him to eat lamb if I know he hates it.

    but I wouldn't prepare an entirely separate meal. that's just taking it too far.

  4. #23
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    I was in the "I don't smack my kids but don't mind if you do" camp so long as it was "just a smack" and not a beating type thing, for my first 3 kids. My 4th child is a whole different ballgame. He frequently receives a smack on the hand. Not enough to mark him, it doesn't even go red or sting the hand, but he gets quite aggressive with his siblings and after we exhausted everything else we could think of, we took to smacking his hand. It's always calm, not knee-jerk, and we say "no, you are hurting her, don't do that" type thing when we do it. It's most certainly not out of anger, it's with purpose and controlled but it still makes me feel horrid.
    I yell at my kids sometimes. But not abusive. It's more just repeating the same instruction with upped volume. It's not always controlled, sometimes it's out of anger but it's never calling names, belittling etc.
    And as for dinner, we don't really have that problem with 3 of my kids as they will at least eat something off their plates generally but one of my sons has special needs and in genera he just won't eat dinner. I could serve him ice cream and lollies and he won't eat it. He just will not eat at night. We are currently working with the OT to just get him to sit at the table without freaking out. So he usually goes to bed without dinner but it's not a punishment, it's just him. He eats heaps for breakfast instead. Which I'm okay with.
    I like to think that I am muddling through parenthood with vast amounts of love and nothing I do is with intent to hurt my children. I would feel horrified if someone thought I was abusing my children. Which has actually happened. Our old neighbours called the Police twice on me for welfare checks on the children, due to my special needs child screaming. It is mortifying because I know I love them and I know I would never hurt them.

    My mother would satisfy a lot of this list, and come across as a peachy mother. While telling me frequently that the world would be better if I killed myself, or that she sincerely regrets not adopting me out, or that I am the cause of her post natal depression and she will never get part of her life back because of me, it was all said in a quiet, calculated voice - no yelling.
    When she would physically force food into my mouth until I vomited - she didn't send me to bed without dinner though.
    These lists can be interpreted very differently. She is a narcissist, she would see something like this and use it to PROVE she isn't doing anything wrong which is where I think it can be deceiving.

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  6. #24
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    Whilst I think this is a good *general* guide:

    I don't think a parent is abusive if they left their two year old in time out for 4 minutes instead of the recommended 2.

    I don't think a parent is abusive if they leave their child in the car for 1 minute in a locked car in full eyesight while they duck in to pay for fuel.

    I wouldn't consider a parent abusive if their child refused to eat their dinner when it's food they normally eat and the parent made the call not to give the child an alternative dinner.

    I wouldn't label a parent abusive if they raised their voice because their child was about to do something dangerous after being warned not to.

    A guide like this may help a parent who is crossing one or more lines recognise that some of their techniques may need to be toned down or reassessed.

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  8. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ahalfdozen View Post
    I was in the "I don't smack my kids but don't mind if you do" camp so long as it was "just a smack" and not a beating type thing, for my first 3 kids. My 4th child is a whole different ballgame. He frequently receives a smack on the hand. Not enough to mark him, it doesn't even go red or sting the hand, but he gets quite aggressive with his siblings and after we exhausted everything else we could think of, we took to smacking his hand. It's always calm, not knee-jerk, and we say "no, you are hurting her, don't do that" type thing when we do it. It's most certainly not out of anger, it's with purpose and controlled but it still makes me feel horrid.
    I yell at my kids sometimes. But not abusive. It's more just repeating the same instruction with upped volume. It's not always controlled, sometimes it's out of anger but it's never calling names, belittling etc.
    And as for dinner, we don't really have that problem with 3 of my kids as they will at least eat something off their plates generally but one of my sons has special needs and in genera he just won't eat dinner. I could serve him ice cream and lollies and he won't eat it. He just will not eat at night. We are currently working with the OT to just get him to sit at the table without freaking out. So he usually goes to bed without dinner but it's not a punishment, it's just him. He eats heaps for breakfast instead. Which I'm okay with.
    I like to think that I am muddling through parenthood with vast amounts of love and nothing I do is with intent to hurt my children. I would feel horrified if someone thought I was abusing my children. Which has actually happened. Our old neighbours called the Police twice on me for welfare checks on the children, due to my special needs child screaming. It is mortifying because I know I love them and I know I would never hurt them.

    My mother would satisfy a lot of this list, and come across as a peachy mother. While telling me frequently that the world would be better if I killed myself, or that she sincerely regrets not adopting me out, or that I am the cause of her post natal depression and she will never get part of her life back because of me, it was all said in a quiet, calculated voice - no yelling.
    When she would physically force food into my mouth until I vomited - she didn't send me to bed without dinner though.
    These lists can be interpreted very differently. She is a narcissist, she would see something like this and use it to PROVE she isn't doing anything wrong which is where I think it can be deceiving.
    you sound like you're doing a fantastic job and have got the perfect balance between being loving but firm.

  9. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pinkpotato View Post
    I also have friends that still use a belt, wooden spoon and even a metal spatula on their kids and you know what, those kids do what their told and are typically pretty well behaved. They're by no means abused at all, it's not like they're being completely belted by their parents, just one firm smack with one of those things and they learn their lesson pretty fast. My kids are always on their best behaviour when we are there as they don't want to get the same punishment as the other kids.
    Those kids would be well behaved because they're sh!t scared of their parents pulling out an instrument and hitting them with it. Inciting that kind of fear in a child is horrible.

    I can't believe in this day and age, in this country, people still have that mindset. It's disgusting.

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  11. #27
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    @Ahalfdozen I'm so very sorry you had to go through that. My mother had different behaviours but was and still is a narcissist too.

    I have never sent my kids to bed without dinner, but nor do I make another dinner! If they won't eat after being asked to try a few bites, then they leave the table. They have access to fruit, yoghurt, a sanger but that's it.

    We have a saying in our house - don't make mealtime a battleground.

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  13. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    @Ahalfdozen I'm so very sorry you had to go through that. My mother had different behaviours but was and still is a narcissist too.

    I have never sent my kids to bed without dinner, but nor do I make another dinner! If they won't eat after being asked to try a few bites, then they leave the table. They have access to fruit, yoghurt, a sanger but that's it.

    We have a saying in our house - don't make mealtime a battleground.
    We're the same. I've just never had to go there.

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    I think people are confusing sending their kids to bed as punishment for not eating dinner and just a general going to bed without dinner as they don't want anything or aren't hungry.

    My dd1 can often go to bed without dinner- I always offer her something she will eat, or at last resort a cup of milk before bed, it's up to her if she eats or not. If she is hungry she will. That's not a punishment. That's a choice.

    I think the list is pretty flawed actually. Vague and incomplete, and I'm disgusted it implies spanking is ok until it leaves a mark. However, if people are reading this and thinking they do those things listed often then maybe they do need to think about their parenting.

    Everyone else can laugh it off as complete toss knowing they aren't abusive or neglectful.

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    Default When does parenting become abusive?

    Double post
    Last edited by Sonja; 15-04-2016 at 16:02.


 

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