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  1. #11
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    Default When does parenting become abusive?

    I agree with @delirium. Too often i read things like this and my knee jerk reaction is to be defensive.

    While I don't think all those things are abusive in isolation and within a loving family they serve as a good reminder that kids are kids and we can all do better.
    Last edited by Sonja; 15-04-2016 at 10:39.

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  3. #12
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    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    I've left my children in the car while paying for fuel
    I've smacked them
    I use time out (1 min per year & I never deny them meals due to it nor do I not let them go to the toilet)
    I've sent my kids to bed with no dinner for being silly despite warnings and moving them to eat away from any triggers
    I yell at them, defiantly more than I would deem to be ok and I am working on this, this is part of my ptsd and I can't always tag out when I need to but I do try to before I reach this stage
    I also very recently started getting them to scrub the floor as punishment for hurting each other pinching etc, just a small section like under the dinning table or in the kitchen (they are 8 and 7 yrs old).

  4. #13
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    We send the kids to bed without dinner often.

    It's not a punishment though, they just refuse to eat it at the time.
    If it's something new, I will make something else if they try it and genuinely don't like it. But if it's something we have regularly and they just 'want' something else- tough luck. I'm not running a restaurant.

    ETA: It's not very detailed is it? "Crosses into neglect if..."

    Yeah, Phil, the problem is that abusers don't know where the line is.
    Last edited by DT75; 15-04-2016 at 12:49.

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    I really have mixed feelings with the whole smacking situation. I don't like smacking my children but sometimes I think they need a good smack on the bum.

    I was smacked as a child, not just with an open hand over clothes either. I got the wooden spoon, the belt (with the buckle) and sometimes other things all on bare skin. I'm fine, not traumatised by it at all and it made me behave as a child.

    I also have friends that still use a belt, wooden spoon and even a metal spatula on their kids and you know what, those kids do what their told and are typically pretty well behaved. They're by no means abused at all, it's not like they're being completely belted by their parents, just one firm smack with one of those things and they learn their lesson pretty fast. My kids are always on their best behaviour when we are there as they don't want to get the same punishment as the other kids.

    I've often thought that my kids need something like that as time outs and other approaches don't really work but haven't and probably won't ever try it for fear of being labeled as an abusive parent.

    I do agree that their should be limits but not to the extent there is now. Everyone I know was physically disciplined in some way as a child when it was appropriate and looking back children were a lot better behaved back then then what they are now.

    Every parent should have the right to discipline their children in a way that they see fit (to a certain extent of course) without being judged or with fear of loosing their children over it. As long as at the end of the day their children still know that they are loved and looked after it should be fine.

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    Default When does parenting become abusive?

    I struggle with sending kids to bed without dinner.

    Sorry I know my views on this aren't popular on here but I cannot see how it teaches kids a lesson.

    I don't really care if other people do it but it's not something I would ever do as a form of discipline so I can see why others struggle with it too.

    ETA I'm old enough and have enough kids to be comfortable with my position on this so don't want to open a debate about it. If others do it and it works for them then great. I just don't like aligning food with any form of discipline. My kids don't get food as a reward nor as a punishment.
    Last edited by Sonja; 15-04-2016 at 14:40.

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  10. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pinkpotato View Post
    Every parent should have the right to discipline their children in a way that they see fit (to a certain extent of course) without being judged or with fear of loosing their children over it. As long as at the end of the day their children still know that they are loved and looked after it should be fine.
    The problem is with what does "to a certain extent" actually mean? what is over the top for one family will be fine for others.

    My sister is a social worker. Kids can grow up in horrible houses where they are treated appallingly but their parents still "love" them. They just are bad parents. Yet even after their kids are removed they still want to go back to live in that environment because it's their parents and we are programmed to live and forgive them when we are little.

    Love isn't enough.

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    @Pinkpotato using a belt or wooden spoon on a child is an assault. Those kids may behave well but they are being assaulted by their parents.

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    we were all raised being hit with a belt/wooden spoon/rolled up newspaper.

    personally I agree with you @Sonja, it's assault. any kind of violence against a child makes me sick to the stomach.

    to me, it's almost more about parents expressing their frustrations rather than about disciplining the child.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    I struggle with sending kids to bed without dinner.

    Sorry I know my views on this aren't popular on here but I cannot see how it teaches kids a lesson.
    Agree. I kind of flip things on their head and ask myself: if my husband cooked me a meal I didn't want (not hungry, don't like the dinner itself) would it be ok that he ensured I went to bed without tea?

    If I did something wrong/made him angry is it ok for him to 'smack' me?

    I'm well aware I'm an adult, but does it really matter? If anything it can be argued that a child doesn't have the hindsight, communication skills and impulse control that we do.

    I don't think a parent that gives their child a tap on the bum every so often is a bad parent, far from it. Nor one that puts their child in time out for 5 mins for a 5 year old. But I just don't buy 'it's my child I'll do what I want'. They aren't chattel they are people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Agree. I kind of flip things on their head and ask myself: if my husband cooked me a meal I didn't want (not hungry, don't like the dinner itself) would it be ok that he ensured I went to bed without tea?

    If I did something wrong/made him angry is it ok for him to 'smack' me?

    I'm well aware I'm an adult, but does it really matter? If anything it can be argued that a child doesn't have the hindsight, communication skills and impulse control that we do.

    I don't think a parent that gives their child a tap on the bum every so often is a bad parent, far from it. Nor one that puts their child in time out for 5 mins for a 5 year old. But I just don't buy 'it's my child I'll do what I want'. They aren't chattel they are people.
    totally agree with all of this. just because they're little people, doesn't make it ok to hit them. or deny them food.

    we live in a society where there is no physical punishment as adults, so why use it as a means of disciplining kids?

    I personally think parents who hit their kids (like beyond a quick light tap on the bum or hand) are not very emotionally evolved (low EQ) and have trouble expressing their frustrations in a constructive manner, culminating in having to vent their anger and shortcomings by hitting their kids in order to "discipline" them. you need to be able to separate your anger from "discipline". discipline should happen without highly strung emotions (hard I know). if you're angry and want to take it out on something, go punch a tree.

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