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  1. #1
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    Default WWYD Anxiety and inlaws

    Apologies... This will be long.

    I've been with my dh for 11yrs this year. We were young when we got together and have experienced a lot of firsts together.

    Dh's family are great but we've had our fair share of issues. Unfortunately, these issues improved for a bit but have hit stellar proportions this year. Mostly surrounding Dhs sister and his parents.

    When we were pregnant with our first Bub, at 36wks dhs sister and her husband announced they had accidently fallen pregnant. Within wks of this announcement they announced that they were closing the doors to their business without either of them having jobs to go to (this business is secured by Dhs mums and dads house, they went guarantor even though they wouldn't go guarantor for us a couple yrs earlier for a house but that's a whole other issue!). In amongst all of these lovely announcements they got kicked out of the house they were living in (they were renting it cheaply from dhs pop/uncles and weren't looking after it). They ended up moving in with Dhs parents.

    Dhs sister picked up work wherever she could, Bil sat around for a while, dhs dad put him on for a bit, he eventually got a job, good money but rough work. MIL went to 90% of appointments (taking time off work) as bil couldn't afford time off as they needed the money.

    Around this time they moved out and within a month decided it'd be a good idea to buy another vehicle under dealer finance. Which was written off (everyone was fine, just an unfortunate situation) not long after their baby was born. They couldn't afford to buy another ute (they had a car) so they would borrow one off the inlaws whenever they needed it, usually dhs work ute (they'd turn up and take it without saying hey we're borrowing the ute) which would come back broken or with dog poo on the tray.... Anyways.... After a while, dhs parents bought bil & sil a ute, an old crappy ute, but a registered ute.

    Things settled a bit, bil changed jobs to a job he seemed to like, OK money IF he puts in the hours, sil landed a good job with good benefits. We had a few issues with mil supposed to look after our child so I could work (a happy arrangement for both of us) but often the day before she would pull out because she had to do something with sil, we eventually put our dd in daycare so we weren't left stranded. More often than not they have dhs sisters kid. Daycare drop offs and pick ups etc, weekends away so they could go out.

    BIL trashed the ute that had been given to them, completely undrivable without about 2k being spent on it. Around this time sil changed jobs because the workplace had become unbearable. We had our second Bub in December. My job were offering voluntary redundancys or reduced hours. Dhs parents asked if I would be interested in taking a step into there business and reducing my hours at my other job. This was great for us as we plan to buy the business eventually, good succession planning etc. We all work together quite well, things had been really great until dhs parents gave dhs sister another car, a pretty good car. And then dhs sister announces that she's pregnant with twins.... And since then things have taken a downward spiral.

    Dhs parents went away on there first holidays together in years in March. Dh and I ran the business with miss 3 and miss 3months in tow. Dhs baby sister looked after there house and pets and Dhs sister & bil didn't do anything. When they come home we all went to the airport to pick them up, except for Dhs sister and bil because they were 'too tired'. Unfortunately I'd say a case of we have no money for fuel to drive the car that was given to us... Anywho...

    This week bil's vehicle (this is another vehicle that his mum gave him after he stuffed the one DHs parents gave him) turns up at Dhs work to be fixed (dh won't work on their vehicles as they are not paying customers, he also generally doesn't work on our vehicles at work). Dh was pretty straight up with his dad about the fact he won't be working on it and why. His dad just laughed. This is after dh spent from 6-6 on Saturday working off site to complete a job as they just don't have the time during the week.

    Since I've had our 2nd Bub I've been going down on two days a week as we have heaps of work. Mil tells me today that she will be away next thurs as she has to take sil to a Drs appointment. BIL can't go because he needs to work because they need the money. I'm suppose to be taking both kids for vaccinations that day, and working (not that we have actually sat down and discussed me working two days is a permanent thing) dh was supposed to come to hold miss 3. I'm beyond tired off this situation. I asked her today where we're all going to end up. I've asked her previously where does this all end, how do they retire etc, and she doesn't know. They say they keep doing it for the grandkids plus they need to ensure they keep their house...

    I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety related ibs, and it seems that dh may have some anxiety issues also. We've also identified the above issues are a massive trigger for both of us.

    So, does anyone have any advice on how to change things, how to improve the situation? Or do hubby and I just need to find a good therapist and work on ourselves.

  2. #2
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    Default WWYD Anxiety and inlaws

    1. Have a conversation with your inlaws (mil, FIL) and sort out what your concrete work days are. Don't accept work out of that agreement unless it suits you and your family.

    2. Arrange daycare for the days you work and find a babysitter to have on standby for evenings out. Do not rely on your mil.

    3. Don't worry about your SIL and BIL. You can't change what they do.

    4. Don't worry about your mil and FIL. You can't change what they do. It's up to them to stand up for themselves if they are getting ripped off.

    5. Get medical treatment for your anxiety if you haven't already.

    Good luck
    Last edited by VicPark; 14-04-2016 at 18:48.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    1. Have a conversation with your inlaws (mil, FIL) and sort out what your concrete work days are. Don't accept work out of that agreement unless it suits you and your family.

    2. Arrange daycare for the days you work and find a babysitter to have on standby for evenings out. Do not rely on your mil.

    3. Don't worry about your SIL and BIL. You can't change what they do.

    4. Don't worry about your mil and FIL. You can't change what they do. It's up to them to stand up for themselves if they are getting ripped off.

    5. Get medical treatment for your anxiety if you haven't already.

    Good luck
    The other thing I would do is work out how you get paid for your work. Do either of you get a wage? Or do you get a portion of profits?
    DH and I work with his parents and he puts in so many more hours for his parents business than the parents do for us so it really feels like we are getting taken advantage of.

  4. #4
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    Thanks for the replies. I definitely wouldn't recommend working with family. I think it's a huge part of our problem.

    We had a major issue around 7years ago where I questioned what dh was being paid. He only ever got a wage, award hourly rate. He tried to bring it up and ask how they were working it out a few times and they wouldn't listen. They ended up being audited by the ato and had to pay him out about 2k, they only looked back through a couple of years, so he'd be owed a stack more. They had been paying him the award weekly wage for 38hrs a wk when he was working 40hr weeks. Overtime was only being paid at the normal rate.

    Up until recently we didn't get anything other than our wages from the business. They have started paying for tyres, they felt they should as they had been doing it for sil and bil for years (their words). They have also started putting a tank of diesel in Dhs ute a fortnight as there is no work ute anymore (dh lined up someone to buy it as it wasn't really being used and didn't want it to be given to sil).

    At the moment I'm getting $130 a wk for my one day's work. I've been working two days a week since feb, plus ran their business for 10 days while they were away. They did however pay me for my one day when I wasn't working from mid November until January. If dh doesn't do overtime he earns around $800 after tax for a 40hr week.

    I think you've hit on something regarding clear expectations regarding work. I've been trying to get dh to have a sit down with the 4 of us to discuss where we are headed, what's ok and not OK regarding work, what the end game is regarding retirement.

    I guess I a bit taken advantage of a lot of the time. I think when you work for parents that they feel like they own you in some way. It does has some positives too though i suppose :-)

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by RM05MB View Post
    . I've been trying to get dh to have a sit down with the 4 of us to discuss where we are headed, what's ok and not OK regarding work, what the end game is regarding retirement.
    -)
    Just talk about your work hours. Don't talk about their retirement unless they ask. Or ask "do you want to talk about when you retire?" And drop it if they aren't keen.

    If you start to take on other people worries and responsibilities it will end in disaster.


 

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