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  1. #21
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    I really hope this is a troll. If it's not, then please let her father be a single parent and pay child support. You're not being taken advantage of - you helped make this child, you are legally required to support her financially. Don't take her from a father who loves her and emotionally torture her just to reduce your child support.

    If you do want to bond - you'll have to work at it. Change your inner talk, change your attitude and do positive things together to build up shared fun experiences.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Little Miss Sunshine View Post
    I'm not sure this is the right forum for you.

    So you only have her 2 days a fortnight to reduce your child support payments?
    You resent having to spend money on her? Yikes. You will never bond with your daughter if you continue to think from this perspective.

    If you were writing this about an ex feeling this way they would (rightly) be crucified.

    I'm struggling to even put into words how this post made me feel and I'm trying very hard to be polite.

    I feel very very sorry for your daughter and I hope for her sake your attitude can change.
    This.

    Quote Originally Posted by HillDweller View Post
    How is your exH "abusing the social system" by claiming child support from you when he is looking after your child as a sole parent??

    I'm sorry, but these comments:
    "the kid" - you want a bond with her but you're not even referring to her as your daughter??
    "I volunteered to take care of her 2 days a fortnight in order to reduce my child support payments"
    "she costs me money I'd ideally spend on other things"
    "It feels like a chore and a lifetime financial burden I can't get rid of or resolve""

    Tells me you'll never have a bond with her. It sounds like so far you've blamed your mother, your ex husband and your daughter for all your problems. I think your daughter would be better off staying with your ex husband and out of your life. I didn't want any children for a long long time, but if I'd fallen pregnant accidentally there is no way I would act in the manner that you have. Your poor choices are not your daughters fault. In all honesty it sounds like you're acting like a spoiled brat who is having a tantrum that her life didn't turn out the way she wanted it to and it makes me very sad to think of your daughter desperately "trying to make you like her".
    This.

    Quote Originally Posted by Meld85 View Post
    You don't sound like you want a relationship with her at all. The whole post was filled with selfish 'me me me' comments.

    Sorry but if you are only taking care of her for the money, just give her back to her father/Inlaws - pay the money and let this be the only decent motherly act you do for her.

    I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you have posted this in the wrong forum if you were looking for sympathy and I'm sorry the fact you seem to profess your love of cats and dogs before your own child does not change my opinion of this situation.


    Good luck
    This.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mamasupial View Post
    Gosh this makes me so sad...
    And this.

  3. #23
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    Alrighty lets cool the jets...
    Obviously OP wants to improve the relationship/ outlook she has of her child or she wouldn't be asking for help on a forum.
    Also I am thinking there's some cultural differences at play, I'm Italian and a woman who leaves a child to be brought up even by relatives would be crucified however there are many other cultures where this is common practice in order for the whole family to advance in the world.
    OP I do think by your wording there's a lot of underlying issue and I think counseling would help.
    I also urge you to try and see things from your child's perspective, I think you're trying not to show her that side of yourself (you say you do all the mother things) BUT kids pick up on things, she will one day ask why she lives with her dad, why she was left with her grandparents for years and why you only see her a few days a month... I'm telling you this because I hope you'll have an answer for her... So that she won't resent you but instead understand where you're coming from

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    playing devils advocate here but I think the OP has been very brave and gone out on a limb by being so open and honest. it takes balls to admit sh.t like that.

    OP do you feel any kind of emotion or nice feelings towards her? I get that you didn't want to become a mum and feel you were manipulated into a situation you didn't want to be a part of (but you could've/should've stood up and been a bit more vocal in the past but that's the past and it's too late to change it now).

    ok so you don't see yourself as a "mother". but this child isn't going anywhere and quite frankly, you got yourself into this pickle by being too compliant years ago, so you're going to have to suck it up and make a go of this mothering gig. 2 days a fortnight is a pretty small commitment but probably feels like a huge commitment if you're not into it.

    do you want to bond with your daughter or not? consenting to seeing her for the time per fortnight that you do in order to save yourself child support is very cold. I think if she ever learned this fact, she'd be devastated.

    you need to make more of an effort really. you're her mum. stop looking at the situation as a burden and grow up and accept the consequences of your decisions. it was ultimately your own actions that led you here so it's up to you to make the best of it. it's unfair that your daughter should suffer because you were too compliant all those years ago to speak up and put your needs first.

    you need to change your perspective and learn to find joy in the mundane. you have your preferred life the other 12 days each fortnight, for 2 days you need to put on the mum hat and do your best to make that kid feel special. you may find as she gets older your relationship will change and as an older kid/young adult, she needs less of a mum figure and you can be more of a friend. however if you don't try now, you'll never get to that point, which I think is sad. she's not going to be a young kid forever.

    I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but well done for being honest but I think you need to set your feelings aside now as there's a kid who's counting on you. give it your all 2 days every fortnight, who knows, it may grow on you. you do need to stop focusing on what an imposition she is though.
    I agree with everything turquoisecoast has said.

    If you want to develop a bond with your daughter, seek counselling to work through your issues regarding your mother and your ex. You've said she's a nice kid. Talk to her. Find out what she likes, do those things with her. Do something with her that you loved as a child, and tell her about your experiences. Become emotionally involved in her life. She doesn't deserve your animosity or indifference though. You don't necessarily need to do something big and expensive. Time will be what helps. If you aren't going to give this your all, take her best interests into consideration - let her live with your ex/ILs, and don't continue down a path that will result in heartache for her.

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  6. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by HillDweller View Post
    How is your exH "abusing the social system" by claiming child support from you when he is looking after your child as a sole parent??

    I'm sorry, but these comments:
    "the kid" - you want a bond with her but you're not even referring to her as your daughter??
    "I volunteered to take care of her 2 days a fortnight in order to reduce my child support payments"
    "she costs me money I'd ideally spend on other things"
    "It feels like a chore and a lifetime financial burden I can't get rid of or resolve""

    Tells me you'll never have a bond with her. It sounds like so far you've blamed your mother, your ex husband and your daughter for all your problems. I think your daughter would be better off staying with your ex husband and out of your life. I didn't want any children for a long long time, but if I'd fallen pregnant accidentally there is no way I would act in the manner that you have. Your poor choices are not your daughters fault. In all honesty it sounds like you're acting like a spoiled brat who is having a tantrum that her life didn't turn out the way she wanted it to and it makes me very sad to think of your daughter desperately "trying to make you like her".
    This!
    Gosh I hope there is a language barrier at play here but sadly it doesn't seem like it.

  7. #26
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    I never call troll, I usually report and say nothing but I get the feeling this is some dude trying to prove a point that men are torn apart for being deadbeats but a woman who is a deadbeat parent will receive nothing but support. If that's the case OP, it seems your little experiment failed

    On the off chance this is real, I really feel sorry for you, and your poor daughter. Not even bc you have no bond, or that you didn't want her. But you take her so you reduce your CS? And he isn't ripping the system, she is 5 therefore he would be applicable for payments. You say you were forced to have the baby but why get pregnant to begin with if you were so sure you wanted to be childless?

    I always try to have some level of empathy and understanding for posters, but wowsers. Either way this is so horrible. Either you are trolling, or it's true, which is way more sad.

    Sorry mods, I just can't muster any kind words here. I know you guys are going to be busy with this thread but I just can't contain my thoughts on this one, and I've been way kinder than what's in my head right now....

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  9. #27
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    Wowsers! I really hope delirium is right and this troll was trying to prove a point and failed. If it's the real deal.. Please get help. That poor little girl.

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  11. #28
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    I think the best advice I can give you is to pay the full child support and let her live full time with her father who I hope loves her and wants to be with her when you clearly do not.

    Poor kid. She had NO choice in any of this. If you really didn't want a child you should've kept your pants on or gone to extensive measures for protection. Were you using condoms?

    At the end of the day whether you felt forced to or not it was still your choice to have her. The only person who had no choice in any of this is your daughter.

    Quote Originally Posted by darkme View Post
    I'm not even sure which forum is appropriate for my problem...here it is:

    I got pregnant by accident after being together with my partner for 5-6 years. I've never really wanted kids and my mom manipulated me into keeping the pregnancy and signing the marriage papers. My ex said nothing, he let her do the dirty work because he knew she'll manage to manipulate me and he'll be the "good guy" who'll get the family he wanted.


    Long story short - I gave birth, went back to work and left the kid to be taken care of by my in-laws. Me and the "husband" I got forced to marry were visiting the kid for a few hours every weekend. 2 years later we moved to Australia, I left my husband and the kid stayed with the in-laws back in my home country.


    Right now he's decided to become a single parent, take the kid, abuse the social system and claim child support from me. I volunteered to take care of her 2 days a fortnight in order to reduce my child support payments and to give myself a chance to develop some sort of a relationship with her. The problem is - so far it doesn't work, she reminds me of all the bitterness and manipulations from the past, she costs me money I'd ideally spend on other things, I'm forced to communicate with my ex and she's the reason I have to listen to my mom's constant guilt trips.


    She's a cool kid, relatively easy going and she's trying to make us like her. I do the things I have to do - take her to the park, feed her, give her toys, make her brush teeth and have a shower etc but these things give me no joy. It feels like a chore and a lifetime financial burden I can't get rid of or resolve.


    Any ideas what am I supposed to do to overcome this and try to form a bond/enjoy the time I spend with her?


    p.s. I'm not depressed, I'm an educated professional, I have a good job earning above average income, I have friends and I'm a positive fun individual AS LONG AS I'm not forced to pretend I'm the loving mother I never wanted to be. I'm perfectly able to experience love and emotions with men, I love cats and dogs and I deeply care about my friends.

  12. #29
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    Let's pretend this is real. You have 2 choices either see a psychologist to work throught your anger and pain or just leave your child alone. You seriously want to screw an innocent kid over just because you want more spending money. Let it go and pay the money, you can't take it to the grave with you.
    The dog and cat bit is funny tho...like wtf has that got to do with anything. "I don't want my kid but I love cats". Ummmmmm....ok.

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