I'm not even sure which forum is appropriate for my problem...here it is:
I got pregnant by accident after being together with my partner for 5-6 years. I've never really wanted kids and my mom manipulated me into keeping the pregnancy and signing the marriage papers. My ex said nothing, he let her do the dirty work because he knew she'll manage to manipulate me and he'll be the "good guy" who'll get the family he wanted.
Long story short - I gave birth, went back to work and left the kid to be taken care of by my in-laws. Me and the "husband" I got forced to marry were visiting the kid for a few hours every weekend. 2 years later we moved to Australia, I left my husband and the kid stayed with the in-laws back in my home country.
Right now he's decided to become a single parent, take the kid, abuse the social system and claim child support from me. I volunteered to take care of her 2 days a fortnight in order to reduce my child support payments and to give myself a chance to develop some sort of a relationship with her. The problem is - so far it doesn't work, she reminds me of all the bitterness and manipulations from the past, she costs me money I'd ideally spend on other things, I'm forced to communicate with my ex and she's the reason I have to listen to my mom's constant guilt trips.
She's a cool kid, relatively easy going and she's trying to make us like her. I do the things I have to do - take her to the park, feed her, give her toys, make her brush teeth and have a shower etc but these things give me no joy. It feels like a chore and a lifetime financial burden I can't get rid of or resolve.
Any ideas what am I supposed to do to overcome this and try to form a bond/enjoy the time I spend with her?
p.s. I'm not depressed, I'm an educated professional, I have a good job earning above average income, I have friends and I'm a positive fun individual AS LONG AS I'm not forced to pretend I'm the loving mother I never wanted to be. I'm perfectly able to experience love and emotions with men, I love cats and dogs and I deeply care about my friends.