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  1. #31
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    I'm pro choice, but I'm also an IVF girl so aware of egg quality decreasing with age. When did you guys plan to have kids? If your husband is finished studying now he should be able to keep working and earning money. You might need to move some place cheaper. Near public transport though 🙂.

    End of the day if you want this baby, things will fall into place. If it costs you your marriage was it worth saving in the first place? Like the second he doesn't get his way it's over?

    I would probably be like delirium and wouldn't come back from the UK. The baby sounds nicer than your DH. Your sister and parents could mind him while you study. Maybe present this as your solution to your DH and see if his attitude changes.

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Honestly? I'd be getting on that plane and not coming home Lass. He wants to have unprotected sex but it's your fault bc you won't abort once you get pregnant? Why are you the one having to suck up to him? You haven't done anything wrong! If he was so worried about finances why not protect himself?

    Sorry, but I just cannot stand men like your husband that are willing participants then throw tantrums they created a life and don't want it. If he's been studying for a long time then while obviously it's an important thing to be educated *he* has contributed to the lack of money. I would running like a dog shot in the a@se from him....
    Totally agree with this
    If my husband tried to tell me I had to have an abortion, that would spell the end of our marriage

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  4. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    I'm pro choice, but I'm also an IVF girl so aware of egg quality decreasing with age. When did you guys plan to have kids? If your husband is finished studying now he should be able to keep working and earning money. You might need to move some place cheaper. Near public transport though 🙂.

    End of the day if you want this baby, things will fall into place. If it costs you your marriage was it worth saving in the first place? Like the second he doesn't get his way it's over?

    I would probably be like delirium and wouldn't come back from the UK. The baby sounds nicer than your DH. Your sister and parents could mind him while you study. Maybe present this as your solution to your DH and see if his attitude changes.
    I agree too

  5. #34
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    Yep to what Wise said. You could have family you trust watch the baby while you finished study. Normally once a baby is born I believe a good father should get lots of access and a say in their life within reason. But imo your husband has forfeited that. Get out now before the birth, if you wait he will have rights. If he really wants a life with that baby he will make changes here in Oz and win you back.

  6. #35
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    Today I return to this thread in great sadness, guilt and regret. This is going to be a long post but I hope some people will read.

    My pregnancy was really difficult physically as well as mentally traumatic (I have depression and PTSD), I was very sick and couldn’t keep anything down, even on anti-sickness medication I was very sick and ill. I was away from home and unable to rest when I wanted and eat what I needed and look after myself properly and just wanted to be back in my own bed in Oz. I really didn’t want to be pregnant and was very depressed. I felt like a zombie dragging myself around on what should have been a brilliant trip back to see my family, I wasn’t really there and I couldn’t enjoy myself and couldn’t think properly and I completely wasted the time I had with my family who I won’t see again probably for years. My husband never changed his mind while I was away for so long, about wanting me to have an abortion, which I had hoped and thought that he might. I kept asking him.

    So I ended up making an appointment at a clinic in England, to find out about a medical (tablet) abortion, I was undecided at that time but went to my first appointment where I had a scan which dated me a week more pregnant than I thought I was. As I had told the nurse I wasn’t sure of my decision, I wasn’t allowed to take any pills that day so an appointment was made the next day, when I was exactly 9 weeks pregnant and the last day allowable for medical abortion. When I got to the clinic on the second day it was awful, and I decided not to go ahead with it. My sister came with me and was great, whatever decision I was about to make she was there. My mother on the other hand was unsupportive and didn’t talk about it once I had told her I was pregnant. My sister told her husband (my brother in law) about my situation and he is very against abortion and had some negative things to say about my husband, he even offered to donate £10 a week towards nappies as he knew we were financially struggling. Which was lovely and made me cry.


    After my stay back with family in the UK, I met back up with My mother in law who had been on a Europe tour, to do what was meant to be an exciting few days in London and Paris on the way back home to Oz. I went and sprained my ankle in London so had to stay in the hotel room and my MIL had to help me a little with my suitcase at the airport in London, which was all too much hard work for her even though I was pregnant, sick, and hobbling on an incredibly painful ankle which I could not seek proper medical assistance for. The rest of the trip was awful as I had to mostly stay at the hotel, which affected her plans and her trip also. There had been a strike in Paris the day before we were due to leave to come back to Oz, so there were extra flights on that day to make up for cancellations, and massive queues. We only got to the gate 10 minutes before the flight was due to actually take off, it was very stressful and I was almost falling apart by this point. We did get on the flight to Singapore though (the stop over before Oz.)

    Just as I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, half an hour before we landed in Singapore, I had a massive gush of liquid and blood and just sat there in my seat, afraid and waiting to land. When we got to the airport at Singapore, I was heavily bleeding, had ruined my jeans, and stayed in the toilet bleeding into it heavily before a massive, warm, semi-solid ball dropped out of me. I got up to inspect it, but the toilets there flush when they sense you get up, so I didn’t get a good look at it. I was bawling very loudly at this point and hyperventilating, an airport attendant wheeled me to the clinic at the airport where they signed me off as unfit to fly, took our boarding passes away from us and ordered our bags to be taken off the flight. My MIL at that point started to tell me that she might have to leave me in Singapore alone, having a miscarriage, if we couldn’t get back on our scheduled connecting flight home because she needed to get home and was upset about our passes being take away. My passport was taken away, I didn’t have much money, I had to pay for the clinic and ambulance, they told me I needed a fitness to fly certificate from hospital to be allowed to fly back home. Off I went to the hospital in an ambulance, bleeding and throwing up, on a humid, dark morning in Singapore where I had no idea how many people would speak English. My sticker said ‘foreigner’ and ‘race- other’ and they shoved me in stirrups and told me to ease up because they couldn’t get into me. I told them I was scared (which is why I was tight) and they didn’t care “it’s just like a pap smear” was their reply. So a thing was put up me so they could see in, and it hurt, and blood rushed out. They did a scan and my baby was still there and it had a heartbeat, to my surprise. They said I was going through a miscarriage but they could not tell me if and when it would complete or exactly what the big ball of tissue I lost was. She would not sign me a fitness to fly certificate but said to come back in a week!!

    We had no choice but to get a taxi to the airport and try but as thought, they wouldn’t let me on my flight home. By this point my MIL had said several times that she would probably have to leave me there in Singapore, with nowhere to stay, as she “couldn’t afford” to stay with me, even though I said my husband would put it on credit and we’d pay somehow for her to stay. When they came back with only one passport, she said “oh I hope it’s mine.” So that was my one and only support person and family member (other than hubby who strongly wanted an abortion) in Australia, who I felt I could no longer rely on any more. I was completely alone now in my pregnancy.

    MIL was grumpy and had no plan, so I had to take charge, still bleeding and so scared of being stuck in a foreign place alone. I brushed my hair and tried to look well and composed, by the 3rd doctor who I didn’t tell the whole truth to, I was able to get the fitness to fly certificate. I got scared as they called me over the airport speaker thing to double check my certificate – thankfully as we had a big gap of 18 hours between flights we made the scheduled flight back to Oz, knowing that I was at a big risk of suddenly haemorraging I cried when we finally landed because I didn’t believe it.

    That was Sunday 2 weeks ago, the next day after landing I saw a doctor in Oz and told her about the threatened miscarriage and that I knew and felt that something was very wrong. I also told her that I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore and about going to the clinic in England. Instead of ordering a normal 12 week scan which I did want to see what was happening with the miscarriage, because if as I thought I was miscarrying, I would obviously feel better in a way that any decision had been made for me and was out of my hands. But I didn’t even ask for one, I just got referred to a termination clinic. I don’t know why I didn’t ask, because I wanted to be scanned before I made any sort of decision, to see if things looked normal, but I didn’t. I sincerely regret that.

    I continued bleeding after the big gush bleed at Singapore, the bleeding never stopped at all I was still bleeding last week when I went to the clinic, knowing that on the first appointment they do a scan and the second appointment would be the procedure. The baby had stopped growing according to scanning at less weeks than I knew from previous scans than it was dated. Again, I didn’t ask any more questions. Why didn’t I ask any more questions, again I regret that. I was a zombie.

    Last week on Thursday I had a D&C and am no longer pregnant. I am so confused because of the way this happened, technically it was a termination but it also wasn’t because of the stopped growth and continued bleeding. But then I think that I’m kidding myself to make myself feel better about that because I never got it properly confirmed and now I am doubting things like dates and maybe the previous scans were wrong because I know that due dates can often get ‘updated’ and changed. I regret not asking for a normal scan at the doctors, if I could go back again I would do that and then I’d know for sure whether things were okay. I just went along with things in a sort of daze. The morning after the D&C I felt great, energetic and relieved but that afternoon I started to feel incredibly sad. When asked, I told my MIL how I felt and she couldn’t understand why I was sad! My husband doesn’t really understand why I am a mess either. My brother in law hasn't spoken to me and hates me. My friends would hate me.

    I did want this baby, I was scared and alone and unsupported, but I was taking pregnancy vitamins, didnt dye my hair, not drinking caffeine, holding my breath when there were fumes. I was trying to look after the baby. When I found out I was pregnant I was so scared and conflicted but I was also secretly happy. I had wanted to be pregnant before I found out that I was, and if things had gone differently and I was at home rather than abroad, able to think properly, and wasn’t so ill, and didn’t have all that bleeding, I think I would have kept the baby. If my husband had not said the things he did, I also would have kept it and there is a vague resentment there about that. Is that horrible? I feel like it is. I wanted a baby with my husband because it was half me and half him. And I do still want one, is that crazy. When my husband first told me what he wanted me to do, I said, and thought that I would never ever do that. I don’t know how things changed, it doesn’t even seem real.

    Now I feel so guilty, incredibly sad, incredibly hormonal (I cried when I saw a horse on TV, even though nothing bad was happening to it.) I am so sensitive and cry at anything. I am grieving, yet I cannot admit this to my husband or MIL, and I cannot tell any of my friends what happened as they are all Christians and would hate me. My sister has a new baby and my sister in law in pregnant again while she has a toddler and I can’t even look because it reminds me. I had to go home from work early yesterday as I needed to go home and cry in my PJs. I have nobody to talk to, I hate myself and feel this is all my fault. I hated myself before but now I hate myself so much more. I feel like I have killed my baby. I feel she was a girl and I know what name she would have had. I feel. Empty. I have a dirty little secret. I’m meant to be a Christian and I’m scared that I rejected a gift that was given which I actually asked for, and I’m scared that the D&C has damaged me and I won’t be able to have a baby, that I am jinxed and will be punished by not having a baby again. Tha if the baby were healthy, things would have worked out ok.

    I feel like I have no right to feel sad because so many people suffer completely natural losses wheras mine was a choice. That it was a choice just makes me feel worse because of the guilt and inability to tell anyone. I can't tell anyone I know I have to pretend like this never happened and everything is fine and my 'holiday' was great. I do not deserve any sympathy yet I need someone to be really kind to me and tell me it will be ok because I have nobody.
    Last edited by Lancashire Lass; 16-06-2016 at 11:30.

  7. #36
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    I won't comment on most aspects, as the lovely ladies here have already done a wonderful job.
    I just wanted to add some thoughts on your DH. Firstly, I'm sorry he's being obstinate, that is definitely not the right way to go about a mature discussion.
    But please remember he's going through a huge shock right now. You mentioned that he said things that you wish he had only thought but not said out loud. Very rarely does this process work out. Be glad he is being honest with you, if nothing else. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but remember that his beliefs about abortion etc are as valid as yours. Sorry, this probably isn't coming across very well. I guess, all I'm saying is don't underestimate the value of his truth. He's being honest, and in nearly all relationship situations that is the 'right' choice. Even if it is hard or awful or hear.

  8. #37
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    Oh Hun. You need counselling. Please go see a counsellor. You didn't do anything wrong. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok to be angry at your DH and MIL for not being supportive. But go see a counsellor so you can learn to forgive yourself.

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  10. #38
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    There are many people, including here who would think I did do something wrong. I've been to so many psychologists in the past to 'cure' me of PTSD and they have all been unhelpful, I don't see how a counsellor now would be different for me. Staying in the UK was not a choice, I would have legitimately killed myself.

    My scan on the day of the big bleed and tissue loss dates me at 11w5d. My scan last week 10 days after this dated me at 12 weeks and still bleeding. I have written this is my journal in hope to make me feel better - but it doesn't. I have stuck my scan picture from the day of the bleed in my journal. Husband won't look at it, but I had to.

  11. #39
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    @Lancashire Lass, my heart just broke for you reading that. You poor thing. You haven't done anything wrong. It's certainly ok to feel sad.

    I'm sorry your DH has been such a d!ck - and your MIL - just wow - trying to leave you behind in a foreign country, feeling crappy, to miscarry by yourself? That's really poor behaviour, in my view.

    You really need someone IRL to talk to. The clinic you went to may be able to refer you to someone? Even if you've had counselling in the past about various things, this counselling could be specific to the loss of the pregnancy. Even if they don't 'fix' the problem, it might help you reframe things, and talk through the sadness. I know you're religious, but I'd suggest non-religious counselling might be best.

    The clinic might also be able to have a nurse or someone like that debrief with you, and talk through what happened physically too.

    I'm no health professional, but it seems to me that a bleed like that, and a fetus that's stopped growing probably would have meant a non-viable pregnancy anyway. Not that that makes a difference to whether you feel sad about the loss - but you seem to be judging yourself for making a 'choice', when it might not have been much of a choice anyway.

    I'm not religious - but my two cents says that if your friends are true Christians, and true friends, they won't judge you.

    I know it's all really new and raw, and understandably so, but maybe in time you can start to think about the things you can now do because you're not pregnant, the things you were worried about to start with, such as your study, your DH getting established in a career, not feeling quite so financially stretched.

    Hugs, and wishing you all the best. Try to do something nice for yourself.

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  13. #40
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    How are you going, @Lancashire Lass? Been thinking of you.


 

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