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  1. #21
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    I must thank you all for putting up with so much whinging while I let off steam. The only 2 people who know right now are husband and MIL who are both frustrating me.

    Quote Originally Posted by twinklify View Post
    I agree with this too.

    I will also add - having a baby does not mean that you cannot go back to study. Yes, you may not be able to go in August but you may be able to start August next year. There are a lot of studying mums - even on here that you can ask questions and get support from.

    Your MIL sounds like a great support. Yes, it may seem like she is being flippant but there are so many people that have babies in circumstances like yours. Yes it is hard - but it is possible.

    But I will re-iterate. Do not let anyone force you to terminate a pregnancy if this is not what you want. It needs to be YOUR decision.

    If your DH says he will resent his own child it is his issue that he will need to resolve on his own. It is not your fault and he cannot blame you.

    Good luck. And if you have questions or just need support we are here for you.
    Studying mums seem to leave their kids with grandparents while they work or study but this one will only have one out of the four grandparents and zero other family support. I feel my MIL doesn't and won't even try to understand my situation because she would just get the 'good stuff' as the grandma. She cannot identify. She says incredibly unhelpful things like "well how much do you want the government to give you I think they're extremely generous" while I'm crying on the phone about the possibily of only getting around $50 family tax support a week and nothing else (before I looked into other possible things). Even though she has tax dodged and gets disabilty pay while working. Arghh!!

    As for moving back to the UK, my husband won't move there even if he could get visas sorted (a long and costly process.) So it would mean the end of us.

    With parenting pay, I'm not legible. The requirements amongst other things are having been a permanent resident for 2 years and I've only been one since last month! Immigration here is super strict. It's not like I'm playing the system as we've been together for 8 years and he was born here!

    Would my husband be able to apply for Parenting Pay instead of me (as he's a citizen) or would it have to be me as primary carer if he's at work? I've had a look at family tax payments and they're shockingly low, I presume they would decrease more if husband is able to keep working? (Income based.) As for the other pay I could get for 18 weeks if I carry on working - this seems the most substantial and only viable financial option for me although after that short time we'd be just scraping by.

    Everything seems to have obstacles and right now I'm not even sure whether I want this. I still can't imagine aborting it but in terms of my own feelings regardless of that - I don't even know what I want anymore. A few months ago I would have thought I'd love to be pregnant but now reality has hit and I keep seeing babies everywhere I go and it makes me feel sick and want to cry because I don't think I can cope. I have a hard enough time just looking after myself. I don't see how this can get better, but I really hope it does because I want it to work.
    Last edited by Lancashire Lass; 17-04-2016 at 12:04.

  2. #22
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    Default 2 early and faint positive tests , irregular periods - don't believe the tests!!

    Your husband could get paid parental leave, if he stayed home and looked after the baby, and you kept working. That would be 18 weeks on minimum wage
    Last edited by Lil Smurfy; 16-04-2016 at 21:41.

  3. #23
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    It would definitely be me staying home looking after it and taking the 18 weeks parental leave. After that I am confused about any support available. I am going to keep working when I get back to Aus I'll be about 12 weeks by then, eek!!

    It was 'parenting pay' after that 18 weeks I was asking about since my residency status doesn't allow me to qualify. I wondered if husband could apply instead - but I've looked into it further and he can't as he wouldn't be the 'primary carer'.
    Last edited by Lancashire Lass; 17-04-2016 at 17:49.

  4. #24
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    I'm really sorry that things are all over the place for you.

    I just wanted to add it's not as simple as taking a pill to have an abortion. You will need to either have a surgical procedure, or pills, along with shots which will make you miscarry. And this can only be done until a certain stage in early pregnancy.

    I was totally alone during both of my pregnancies and I felt nothing but despair and depression until they were born. Life has a way of working out.

    I think you need to take some time to really think about what YOU want to do. It ideally should be a joint decision but when one person isn't willing to budge on their position it makes it incredibly hard. It sounds like this will change your life in every single way, so maybe the time in the UK away from your husband will be a great chance for you to have some time to yourself to think.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peachfuzz View Post
    I'm really sorry that things are all over the place for you.

    I just wanted to add it's not as simple as taking a pill to have an abortion. You will need to either have a surgical procedure, or pills, along with shots which will make you miscarry. And this can only be done until a certain stage in early pregnancy.

    I was totally alone during both of my pregnancies and I felt nothing but despair and depression until they were born. Life has a way of working out.

    I think you need to take some time to really think about what YOU want to do. It ideally should be a joint decision but when one person isn't willing to budge on their position it makes it incredibly hard. It sounds like this will change your life in every single way, so maybe the time in the UK away from your husband will be a great chance for you to have some time to yourself to think.
    Thank you. How did things change for you when they were born? I worry I don't have that natural love instinct. I am sorry you were totally alone, you are a very brave lady. I suppose the possibility of my husband changing his mind is something that I have.

    I'll be 12 weeks by the time I get back here so time might help settle my mind but it would be too late for a non-surgical option by then. It's still niggling in my mind as an extreme solution but still not one I think I could carry out the procedure itself sounds just horrendous and I don't think I could ever fully get over it emotionally. I keep changing my mind though from 'this can work out ok' to 'this is the most terrible thing that can happen' and floods of tears. I'm not sleeping and look terrible!! I don't even feel like going back to England anymore when I was so excited about it just a week ago before I found out. Everyones expecting me to be excited like on Friday which was my last day of work and I can't say anthing I just wanted to curl into a ball. There was a screaming kid at work and it made me cry, lol! I just feel like sleeping for a long time and not having to deal with anyone or anything.

    I'll be with my sister soon in the UK who I'm really close to so think she will be the one I'll be able to open up to. Thank God for sisters!

  6. #26
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    Once I held them a whole new feeling washed over me, my worries were all gone because all I could think about was how much love I had for these little humans. I never bonded with my babies during pregnancy, I had severe prenatal depression throughout both, I never went and bought baby clothes etc and at one stage I actually
    Looked into adoption. So it was pretty full on.

    I suppose you also have the option to terminate the pregnancy while you are visiting family.

    I have had 2 terminations and my first was under similar circumstances to yours, I didn't want to but I ended up doing it to try and keep the relationship. Biggest mistake. To this day that decision still haunts me because I know that it wasn't really what I wanted. It really messed me up emotionally for a long time.
    The second I have found my peace with.

    I can 100% understand how confused you are right now, it's a truly awful position to be in. Please just don't rush into anything, take a little time to think xx

  7. #27
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    Sounds like a good idea to open up to your family. They'll hopefully be able to help you through this.

    What did your husband expect to happen, when you weren't on contraception and he came in you?? He can't just wipe his hands on it, when he was the one that made that decision to be irresponsible.

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  9. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lil Smurfy View Post
    Sounds like a good idea to open up to your family. They'll hopefully be able to help you through this.

    What did your husband expect to happen, when you weren't on contraception and he came in you?? He can't just wipe his hands on it, when he was the one that made that decision to be irresponsible.
    Well, exactly. I guess we thought the chances would be low as it was a 'one off' sort of month and I have cysts but we obviously both knew it was possible. It's pretty confusing as he'd wanted to have unprotected sex before a few months ago but I said no, we'd always been really careful in the past and I had taken the MAP when condoms failed even as recently as November last year.

    This time I agreed and what he's changed his mind now? he already knew my stance on abortion well before any of this. I was incredibly stupid not to have a serious conversation about it before I let it happen but I assumed actions spoke louder than words. Because this was unplanned but not exactly an accident I think it's unfair to expect an abortion.

    Off to England in the morning and will be telling my mum and sister when I arrive Thursday afternoon - should be interesting!

    Thanks everyone for your replies and support, you lot are wonderful.

  10. #29
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    Honestly? I'd be getting on that plane and not coming home Lass. He wants to have unprotected sex but it's your fault bc you won't abort once you get pregnant? Why are you the one having to suck up to him? You haven't done anything wrong! If he was so worried about finances why not protect himself?

    Sorry, but I just cannot stand men like your husband that are willing participants then throw tantrums they created a life and don't want it. If he's been studying for a long time then while obviously it's an important thing to be educated *he* has contributed to the lack of money. I would running like a dog shot in the a@se from him....

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  12. #30
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    You have every right to continue with this pregnancy. You have every right to terminate this pregnancy. You do need to make sure it is your choice and it is the right choice for you.

    I would speak to a doctor about the procedures involved with abortion. But make sure it is a doctor that is 110% pro-choice, no questions asked. Do not allow anyone to guilt trip you into making either decision.

    My SIL had an abortion a few years ago. She does not regret it because it was just the wrong time for her. Not everyone who has an abortion regrets it. Not everyone who has the child regrets it.

    Think about the stage your life is in at the moment. Are you ready to put it all on hold for an unknown amount of time? Are you ready to struggle financially and make sacrifices you might not realize yet that you need to make? If you are, have this baby. If you feel like the guilt would eat at your soul if you were to terminate, have this baby.

    If you decide you want an abortion...and that it's the right choice for you...and that you could live with it...then you know what to do.

    But do not do anything that feels wrong. Especially not for someone else.

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