A maybe trigger warning. Just debriefing. | Bub Hub
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  1. #1
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    Default A maybe trigger warning. Just debriefing.

    Not sure if it's in the right place but I just feel like a I need a bit of a debrief about something that happened just over 20 years ago.
    I had *maybe trigger* as I'm not entirely sure how bad it is versus if I'm over reacting etc.

    It's one of those incidents where you knew it happened, it's never been hidden in your memory, but you only recently actually thought about it and realised it shouldn't have just been put in the memory bank next to the trip to McDonalds and your pet dog.

    When I was seven, I remember we used to visit my Aunts house and her two sons, my cousins, which were eight and six. They lived in a town house. There was a day when we were upstairs playing murder in the dark. There were some other kids there too. All the adults were downstairs doing their thing. I distinctly remember the light turning off and I quickly laid down on the floor right near the edge of the bed. My eight year old cousin came over and started rubbing himself against me (he had only satin boxers on). I was really uncomfortable to rolled under the bed to get away. He followed and continued in this manner. Including take it out and touching me with it. Once the lights went on, he rolled out from under the bed. I was civil for a while until I had a moment to excuse myself and I just went and sat on the stairs. Later that night I remember telling my parents and just got a "he's just being a boy, he probably likes you" response.
    I can't speak for what was discussed between the adults, if anything, so I don't know what happened there.
    We continued visiting them. Whenever he was alone with me he would show me his junk, rub against me, try to kiss me etc. I absolutely hated going there as it was so uncomfortable.
    My father frequently made jokes about it, you know how when you joke with teenagers when they have a crush. "Oooh he likes you and wants to kiss you hehe".
    About 2 years later, when I was 9, there was a family wedding. I was the flower girl. I had to go away for the photos and I asked him to mind my drink. He held it, in his hands, for two whole hours and refused to put it down. My father pointed out how "cute" that was because he is clearly likes me a whole lot. Later in the reception, he was trying to kiss me. I remember running around tables, screaming and eventually ran and hid under a table bawling my eyes out. I got in huge amounts of trouble. I got spanked and told "you should have just let him, instead of carrying on like a baby and ruining the wedding". And it was brought up quite a bit during my childhood from then on, about how much of a little brat I was for ruining the wedding day.

    I remember telling some of these stories to other kids, as if they were like any other story about what happened on the weekend. I grew up ashamed of my behaviour and felt guilty about the wedding for a long time. Once I sort of hit my teens, I never really thought about it again until something triggered it recently and I sat down and thought about how wrong it was. And it was only then, that I realised that the only people who ruined the wedding are all the adults who condoned his behaviour and condemned mine.

    Anyway, that's the basics of it. Just needed to get it out.

  2. #2
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    I'm so sorry you went through that and weren't protected. You're absolutely right, you did nothing wrong!

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    Couldn't read and run!
    Sorry your parents made you feel the one in the wrong when your cousin was doing this. I know the memories have now surfaced again and you'll need to work through it but one thing that will come out of this would be to never allow your own children to feel the way you have.

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    OP I am so sorry that this happened to you. There are many facets to your story and I have no experience to give helpful advice but I felt I had to reply. I have to tell you clearly and without question that NO you are not overreacting. All your feelings in regards to this are completely valid. Good luck in working your way thought it all. Xxx

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    Yes, of course you are completely right...none if it was your fault whatsoever and it's really sad that it was brushed aside by your family
    I actually had a family friend do similar at similar ages and it was horrible. I didn't tell my family though. Until I read you post I hadn't thought about it in years. I know it was wrong of the boy but fortunately don't feel "scarred" by it, I think at some point I was able to let it go. I think if I felt my family had let me down I would have been more upset by it...

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    I don't think you are overreacting at all. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sorry the adults didn't react to protect you. Huge hugs.

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    I think it's my families reaction to it that is far more hurtful. They very clearly and directly sent the message to me that you should just let boys do what they want to you because it's better than kicking up a fuss.
    Like I was wrong to defend myself.

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    No... you weren't wrong at all. Would you feel up to discussing it with your parents now?
    This is how rape culture is perpetuated. None of what you described was ok, and it's terrible that nothing was done by those who should be protecting you.

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    I haven't spoken to my parents in over two years because of unrelated issues and even so I wouldn't bring it up. My mother is a narcissist and would only continue to blame me anyway

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    So many hugs hon

    That was so completely wrong of your parents to be dismissive of your cousin's actions towards you. What he did was completely inappropriate, and they should have protected you from him, not make you feel like you were the problem.

    I know what it's like to have an old memory resurface. Something happened to me when I was very young (under 5) and it all of a sudden came back to me when I was 13 years old. It was extremely confronting.


 

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