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  1. #1
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    Default Hi. previous stalker, new poster

    Hi everyone, I'm sorta newish. I've stalked posts and threads on these sites for ages for help and ideas but this is my first ever post.
    I have a DD 14 to a previous relationship. A DS 5 to my current partner and am 14 wks pregnant with number 3...
    My main reason for joining was to get some advice. My pregnancies are always complicated. I have an incompetent cervix that requires suturing, medication and bed rest. It was found with my DD and a suture placed at 22 wks I was hospitalized for a majority of the remaining pregnancy due to an irritable uterus (I'm amused by how grumpy pregnancy makes my body). I went into early labour at 36 weeks and needed a c section after 38 hours due to a narrow pelvis.
    With my DS it was placed at 14 weeks due to my cervix beginning to funnel. I was on bed rest for remainder of pregnancy. I then found out I had gestational diabetes at 28 wks, my irritable uterus started again at 32 weeks and I was again hospitalized. I had my DS by c section after unsuccessfully trying vbac at 38 wks.
    Now to this pregnancy. It was a complete surprise, it wasn't planned and has thrown us all off a bit. I was half way thru 2nd yr uni and my partner is currently unemployed. We live in a town around an hour away from any family support and I don't have much support around the town we live in that I can rely on. My partner is a heavy weed smoker who continually priorities it over us and I feel there are certain elements of DV to our relationship.
    I have been thinking of moving back to the town my family lives in for extra support. I'm thinking about all the times I will be in hospital and who will watch my other 2. My DF is somewhat unreliable when left on his own.
    However my DF is refusing to move back there. I want to move from this town. I dislike it here. I'm lonely and feel unsupported, unlike when I am in my mums town.
    My last scan showed my cervix has started shortening again it was at 2.5cm (meant to be 5) and I've been placed on bed rest until my appt to see the doctor about the suture next Monday. I know the hospital stays will be starting soon and I'm scared what this will mean for my other 2.
    My DF makes me feel useless for being on bed rest. He is doing a few days work every now and then but hasn't got anything permanent so I need to take the children to school etc which I would have help from my mum with if I lived closer. I feel like he doesn't care about this baby at all. I understand it wasn't planned but he makes comments like 'I'm doing everything for this family' because he had to pick our son up from school on his day off because I'm on bed rest.
    I guess I'm just hoping someone can tell me I'll be doing the right thing moving to my mums town for the support etc and obviously leaving him behind because he doesn't want to move. He is saying I'm tearing our family apart but I can't do this on my own and that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm also scared of being a single mum and raising 3 kids alone.
    He can be the sweetest guy and is a great dad. Sorry for the long post, there's so much more than this but ill leave it there for now. Thank u for reading

  2. #2
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    You're not the one 'tearing your family apart' if he's choosing not to come with you its his decision. I definitely think you moving is the best thing to do, do you want to be made to feel guilty for the next 6 months until your baby is born? And how much extra stress are you going to feel staying in your current situation? Being a single parent is hard work but it doesn't sound like your DF is much help anyway. Hugs to you x

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  4. #3
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    Hun it sounds like you're effectively a single mum now.

    If you stay, will you be happy having what essentially sounds like a druggie room-mate living in your house?

    Can you do some prep story work now? (Eg talk to your mum, sus out places to stay, talk to Centrelink) so you are ready to move if you decide to?

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    You definitely need to move to your mums town so that you have some real actual support and help! Maybe it will be a wake up call for him, but if not you need to be somewhere where you aren't worrying about your other kids. Hanging around isn't worth jeopardising your pregnancy and the care of your kids, if he is stoned all the time then he's certainly not the man for the job.

  6. #5
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    he sounds like a loser. sorry but when you have kids, recreational drugs just don't fit into the picture.

    as other people have said, you need to move back to your mum's hometown and get the support you need. your partner is unsupportive and unreliable.

    it's great that he's a sweet guy but unfortunately that doesn't cut the mustard when there's a family to support, household to run and mouths to feed. a few days of itinerant employment and fulltime weed smoking? he's hardly winning partner or father of the year award is he?

    you'll need your mum's help with your other 2 kids and you'd be in a much better place to get this organized prior to going on bed rest.

    have you spoken to your mum about this? is she aware of your partner's shortcomings and how it's affecting you?

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    Another one to say just move. He's being a selfish jerk. Really, if he's not working and you are in bed rest, he has absolutely no excuse. In relation to the drugs - not ok. How can he be a fully functional parent if he's high all the time?
    You and your kids need support and reassurance. He's not giving either to you, and if he's not willing to move, too bad, so sad. You'll need your mum's help. Pack up and go. I'd be going today, or after your next appointment at the very latest.

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  9. #7
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    Yep, I think you need to move too. Prioritising drugs over his family is not cool. The comment he makes when picking up his son, well it is his son too, why shouldn't he help you out.
    If you're going to be on bed rest and he is unable/unwilling to help then you need to go somewhere where you can get that support and it sounds like your mum - have you spoken to her about your plans?
    Good luck, this must be very stressful for you

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    Default Thank you

    Thank you all for your replies. I have sloken to my mum a while ago and she is amazingly supportive. I've always been a bit quiet about what I've told her about him as I didn't want her to hate him.
    I feel stupid coz I knew all these things were happening. I think that there's a bit of manipulation and emotional abuse. I feel like it's a constant struggle to make him love me and when I voice concerns to him about any of his behaviors he doesn't listen and makes me feel like I should be owing him an apology. I felt like I was going crazy.
    Ironically, I've studied behavioural science, therapeutic counselling and now I'm doing psychology. I know these cycles. I've worked with clients with trauma from them both young and old. I have no idea how I've allowed this to happen to me.
    Again thank you all so much

  11. #9
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    Default house

    Also I'm seeing someone about a house near my mums on Friday. And my landlord is finding tenants to take over my current lease. I spoke to her earlier.
    I think I just needed clarification that I wasn't a bad person for feeling like I should be near my mum right now.
    Things are obviously bad when you have no confidence left in yourself huh.

  12. #10
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    you are going to be fine. things need to change for the better, and being with your mum and in your familiar surroundings, will be a great help for you and your other two children. A weed-smoking, unemployable jerk, is hardly worth staying around for. You are doing everything right, and he is trying to make you think otherwise. Please leave and don't go back. hugs, marie.


 

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