I'm 42, live in Sydney and am currently 9 weeks pregnant from my first IUI, I used donor sperm from a US bank and am taking progesterone to support the pregnancy. I had 4 chemical miscarriages in the 12 months before this IUI pregnancy - the previous pregnancies were with a 'friend' (but with the agreement that I was raising the child as a solo parent) but they didn't hold probably because of a combination of the 'normal' early miscarriage rate, my age and low progesterone and his pot use, hence me then deciding to go through a fertility clinic and use a sperm bank.
I was really surprised the IUI worked the first time around even though my reproductive health was as good as it could be for my age - had good results with the Hy-Co-Sy and AMH and ovulated like clockwork - I was just aware how low the odds were at 5-7%. Now I'm just waiting until next week when I can have an NIPT to determine any chromosomal abnormalities.
I spent about 2 years prior to TTC really thinking through if I could cope with being a single parent and talked a lot with my family, friends and therapists and felt that I made the right decision. I had been in such a deep depression because I thought I could never have children as I hadn't met anyone I wanted to have kids with and I was scared to do it by myself. So I was excited to finally TTC even though I knew the odds were against me as I felt at least then I would have some agency in the whole situation rather than looking back with regret for not even having tried.
However... I'm now so scared that I've done the wrong thing and I haven't been excited or happy about this pregnancy at all and I feel so guilty about it. I don't understand why I feel like this because I was so devastated with each miscarriage, particularly the last one. When I found out I was pregnant this time I felt a sense of achieving a goal - like I had scored an A+ on an exam - and since then I've just felt fear and a detachment from it all. Even at the ultrasound I felt like I was going through the motions of being relieved that the heart was beating normally, although I had been anxious to have the ultrasound so I would at least know if things were going to immediately go south. It hasn't helped that I'm nauseous all the time and very tired and I think the progesterone has knocked me around just as much as the pregnancy.
My sister and a friend who did IVF with donor sperm both think it's normal that I'm feeling this way but I just don't know, why aren't I over the moon about something that I have wanted all my life?
Anyway, I wish my first post here was a bit more positive but I don't have many people to talk to about what I am going through.
Thank you for reading all this waffle!