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  1. #11
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    Thanks all for taking the time to reply - I really appreciate it. He suggested us going to counselling so I think that is something I will explore before I make any final decisions. I just feel like I have to think about what is best for my DD's as well as what is best for me as an individual. TBH the idea of being single and starting over again with 2 kids really scares me, but I know that is not enough of a reason to stay.
    He will still have to go to Perth but has said he'll go up and back in a day. He says that he has stopped all contact with her. I believe this for the moment but don't know how I'd ever trust that he wouldn't do something similar in the future if we had a rough patch in our marriage.
    I also agree that it's not justifiable to use the lack of s*x in our marriage as an excuse, especially given that we were going through IVF in the lead up to this time and I was then pregnant and caring for a newborn whilst this relationship was going on.

  2. #12
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    I think there's another perspective here. The reason I say this is that I can see my DP saying the thing about understanding, if we were ever in this situation...and with him, it would be because he felt so guilty that he felt he didn't deserve to have any say in what happened. It depends though OP, you have a better idea of your partner's personality than any of us.

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It must be such a hard situation. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do...you need to figure out where your priorities are, and to what extent you think your husband would want to work at your marriage.

    Hopefully you can find some time and space to get your thoughts clear. Good luck, whatever way you choose to go.

    Edit: Also another thought... lots of men seem to see sex as being an expression of love/connection/intimacy etc. Is it possible that he felt you weren't interested in him/wanting to be with him etc. due to a lack of sex? In no way an excuse...and he clearly should have talked to yu about how he felt.... but just pondering what may have been his motivations.
    Last edited by Renn; 27-03-2016 at 19:43.

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  4. #13
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    I'm so sorry to tell you that I've been in your exact same position.

    In my case, I agreed to stay together and work on our marriage. No matter what I did, how hard I tried, the sacrifices I made, nothing changed the outcome. All it did was turn me into more and more of a doormat. He knew that he could do anything he wanted to me and I would just stay and try to work on it.

    The outcome was always going to be the same, emotionally, he left he marriage way back when he began that first ever emotional affair.

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  6. #14
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    Why?
    - Until you get an answer to this that smells of self reflection and doesn't sniff of bull****, stay on guard.

    Sorry you are going through this.

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  8. #15
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    I suggest counselling for BOTH, not just focusing on HIM.
    You have both gone through a hard time and dealing with kids is not easy, especially new borns and toddlers.
    You both need to find that love that exists for each other, even by doing small things, baby steps.
    Having a coffee together
    Lunch "dates"
    Maybe have someone to look after the kids if possible so you can both go out for dinner
    Watch a movie together
    ETC

    I know kids come first, but don't forget to enjoy yourselves also. You need to stay together and work as a team, yes sex is important (in my opinion) but there's also other ways of showing love for one another.

    When your angry and upset you can't think straight and your emotions take over.

    Again in my opinion, an affair would have to be physical. Behind a screen is nothing. But I don't agree with him sending photos, videos etc.

    I think your probably both going through an emotional roller coaster and with time it will be resolved.

    I hope it all works out for the best for your family. Good luck...

  9. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nafsika View Post
    I suggest counselling for BOTH, not just focusing on HIM.
    You have both gone through a hard time and dealing with kids is not easy, especially new borns and toddlers.
    You both need to find that love that exists for each other, even by doing small things, baby steps.
    Having a coffee together
    Lunch "dates"
    Maybe have someone to look after the kids if possible so you can both go out for dinner
    Watch a movie together
    ETC

    I know kids come first, but don't forget to enjoy yourselves also. You need to stay together and work as a team, yes sex is important (in my opinion) but there's also other ways of showing love for one another.

    When your angry and upset you can't think straight and your emotions take over.

    Again in my opinion, an affair would have to be physical. Behind a screen is nothing. But I don't agree with him sending photos, videos etc.

    I think your probably both going through an emotional roller coaster and with time it will be resolved.

    I hope it all works out for the best for your family. Good luck...
    But he clearly intended to follow through, which makes it not behind a screen.

    Although I do agree couples need time alone without the kids, I feel like giving him all this extra attention is just rewarding bad behaviour. Hey I was going to cheat on you so now we go have romantic dinners and my wife puts out all the time...

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  11. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nafsika View Post
    I suggest counselling for BOTH, not just focusing on HIM.
    You have both gone through a hard time and dealing with kids is not easy, especially new borns and toddlers.
    You both need to find that love that exists for each other, even by doing small things, baby steps.
    Having a coffee together
    Lunch "dates"
    Maybe have someone to look after the kids if possible so you can both go out for dinner
    Watch a movie together
    ETC

    I know kids come first, but don't forget to enjoy yourselves also. You need to stay together and work as a team, yes sex is important (in my opinion) but there's also other ways of showing love for one another.

    When your angry and upset you can't think straight and your emotions take over.

    Again in my opinion, an affair would have to be physical. Behind a screen is nothing. But I don't agree with him sending photos, videos etc.

    I think your probably both going through an emotional roller coaster and with time it will be resolved.

    I hope it all works out for the best for your family. Good luck...
    I'm genuinely interested, would this be your reaction if you were put in the situation?

  12. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Olive Oil View Post
    I'm genuinely interested, would this be your reaction if you were put in the situation?
    Your interested in my reaction? Why?

  13. #19
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    Let's focus on the person who started the topic and not get diverted.

  14. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    But he clearly intended to follow through, which makes it not behind a screen.

    Although I do agree couples need time alone without the kids, I feel like giving him all this extra attention is just rewarding bad behaviour. Hey I was going to cheat on you so now we go have romantic dinners and my wife puts out all the time...
    Why can't it be a wake up call? No one really knows the ins and outs of this marriage. Yes he has done a really ----ty thing. But if the OP and her DH want to save their marriage surely they both need to work on things to make a change to make them both happy?

    I'm honestly amazed my marriage ever survived the first 12 months of babyhood. They are a killer and how marriages survive that time of sleep deprivation, exhaustion, mess and loneliness must be fundamental survival of species.

    DH and I have problems when we neglect each other (no matter how valid the reason). We have had to work hard to dig our way back many times.

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