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  1. #1
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    Default husband having an online affair

    I have been a long time lurker but have never posted before but just wanted to get some advice or different perspectives. I am 34 and have been with DH for 12 years. We have two DD (3.5 years and 5 months). I found out yesterday that DH has been having an online affair for the past 10 months or so. I found out because I found explicit text messages on his phone. The affair has involved racy messages, videos and phone calls. They have never met as she lives in Perth, but he was going there for work in a few weeks time and they had planned to meet. He says that he isn't sure whether he would have gone through with it. He was planning on taking her out to dinner and had also sent her a photo of our daughter which bizarrely is more upsetting to me than the explicit photos etc. We went through IVF with both of our DD and TBH I have had hardly any sex drive for the last couple of years and we have only had sex very occasionally- according to DH this is what led him to this woman. He is sorry that I am hurt and wants to work through things but understands if I want to separate. I am so hurt, shocked and angry. I don't want to be a single parent and I still love him but I don't know how I can ever trust him again. I also feel very isolated as I don't want to tell my family or close friends at this stage in case we do reconcile, as it will damage his relationship with them forever more. I also don't know whether I want him staying in the house with me at the moment. I do need space but don't want to be alone. Thank you for reading...
    Last edited by Giggles82; 27-03-2016 at 14:11.

  2. #2
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    How devastating so it started whilst you were pregnant? I honestly don't know how I would feel but yes must be a very big shock and the fact he's going there for work, is he still going? I would be furious about sending a photo of your child!! Nothing anyone says will make it better but just do what is best for your children and yourself. I never wanted to be a single parent and whilst pregnant with my second child (first was only 12 months) I left their dad because of a lot of reasons. My youngest is almost 3, and it was very hard at first especially because I was pregnant but now I am so glad I made that choice for my children and I.

    Goodluck x

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    Does he want to still be married? Is he prepared to go to counselling to salvage your marriage?

    Honestly, to me it sounds like he's ready to separate but wants you to be the one to make the decision. He doesn't sound like he's fighting for your marriage.

    Sorry you're going through this.

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    Oh that is dreadful. I'm am truly sorry. This seems to be so common and it makes me sad.

    Some people might be able to get over it and forgive and they are a better person than me. My mind thinks of it this way... Aren't you and your children enough? Is s3x more important than family. Why not address his problems with your relationship/lack of intimacy first before looking elsewhere. I firmly believe you should never bring in another party until a relationship is over properly.

    There would be no doubt in my mind that he would have gone through with it. A big nail in the coffin would be the fact that he isn't fighting tooth and nail to save the relationship, he's luke warm about not wanting to separate. Even facing the fear of losing his family.

    A huge hug to you and your beautiful children, he's put you in this situation, he's been dishonest and ruined your trust. Give yourself time to think what would be best for you and your children. Perhaps speaking to a counsellor would help you. Only you can decide what you will do xx

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    How devastating for you. Even thought they haven't met they've clearly formed an emotional relationship (hence the photo of your child) and that to me is just as bad or worse than having random/once off sex with someone. he needed to put effort into your relationship and properly addressing any issues with your sex life first before selfishly going off and satisfying his desires with someone else. If you were happy in your relationship and want to make it work AND he is willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you then I'd suggest counseling. You have a lot of thinking to do and I'm sorry he's done this to you

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Does he want to still be married? Is he prepared to go to counselling to salvage your marriage?

    Honestly, to me it sounds like he's ready to separate but wants you to be the one to make the decision. He doesn't sound like he's fighting for your marriage.

    Sorry you're going through this.
    This is exactly my response too. He 'understands' if you want to separate?? He doesn't get to 'understand'.

    I don't know what I think to be honest. I believe that infidelity is usually just one of the symptoms of a damaged relationship - it's a matter of uncovering all of the other symptoms and assessing the damage. So I guess anything is forgiveable in my world as long as I can understand it and work through it.

    Also, infidelity is usually the end result of a series of bad decisions. I'd want to know how it got to that point, why he made the choices he did each time etc.

    I do think though that people who are busted often trot out the 'I don't know if I could've gone through with it' line and I'm not sure how much faith I have in that opinion. And yes, sending a picture of your daughter would upset me a lot as well.

    You don't have to decide anything right away. I fully understand your desire to be alone while you figure it out, and frankly given his reaction I would be inclined to boot him out and expect him to fight for the marriage. Just be aware that when you ask someone to leave, then it's not only in your hands whether or not they decide to come back.

    Good luck. I'm so sorry this has happened.

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    sorry this has happened.

    what stood out to me as reeking of BS was the bit about your lack of libido being the cause of this by leading him to the arms of another woman.

    he's blaming you for this, or trying to at least, which means he's taking no responsibility for his actions.

    if he really wanted to stick it out but the no sex was an issue, he should've brought it up with you and you could've discussed it like adults.

    he's given up on the marriage and is using the no sex as an excuse.

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    How devastating, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.. I think you have every right to want some space to work through your thoughts. If it were me I'd take my kids and spend a weekend/ few days with my parents. I know you don't want them to know but honestly he's the one whose. caused this, it's not up to you to protect him. You need support from people who love you and who you can trust right now, because he's been the selfish one and destroyed any trust you had in him.

    If you can't tell them exactly what's happened could you just say something vague like you're going through a tough time and need some space from each other. I think the benefit of you getting away is that if you kick him out you'll be the one left worrying about where is he and what is he doing. Like Harvs said when you ask someone to leave you have no control over whether they come back and it doesn't sound like you're quite ready to make that decision yet.

    While you're away spend time writing out your thoughts. I bet they're a jumble right now. Writing it all out can really help you sort through things and figure out firstly if you actually want to work through this or if its over; and if you want to work through it what that will involve.

    Hugs, it will be a hard road ahead whatever you decide to do. It's so unfair that he's done this to you.

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    Devastating... there is a clear emotional attachment there. Racy videos and images are one thing but forwarding a photo of your child to another woman he is invested in is an indication of commitment ... i understand you dont want to be alone. Can you fudge a few days with family or a friend? Just to give you time to process the shock of it all? I agree it sounds like he is looking to you to make the decision. Ie ' i understand if you want to separate'. Is he still going over to Perth?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggles82 View Post
    I have been a long time lurker but have never posted before but just wanted to get some advice or different perspectives. I am 34 and have been with DH for 12 years. We have two DD (3.5 years and 5 months). I found out yesterday that DH has been having an online affair for the past 10 months or so. I found out because I found explicit text messages on his phone. The affair has involved racy messages, videos and phone calls. They have never met as she lives in Perth, but he was going there for work in a few weeks time and they had planned to meet. He says that he isn't sure whether he would have gone through with it. He was planning on taking her out to dinner and had also sent her a photo of our daughter which bizarrely is more upsetting to me than the explicit photos etc. We went through IVF with both of our DD and TBH I have had hardly any sex drive for the last couple of years and we have only had sex very occasionally- according to DH this is what led him to this woman. He is sorry that I am hurt and wants to work through things but understands if I want to separate. I am so hurt, shocked and angry. I don't want to be a single parent and I still love him but I don't know how I can ever trust him again. I also feel very isolated as I don't want to tell my family or close friends at this stage in case we do reconcile, as it will damage his relationship with them forever more. I also don't know whether I want him staying in the house with me at the moment. I do need space but don't want to be alone. Thank you for reading...


    He understands if you want to seperate? Sounds like he has mentally prepared himself. Think long and hard what you want to do. You only have one life, you deserve happiness, with or without him.

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