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  1. #1
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    Default we have been cut off from the family?!??

    Hi
    I need to vent......best to make yourself a cuppa. It's a long one..
    hubby and I are pretty gutted & totally fed up with his family.
    it appears that his parents have cut us off completely from the family for no reason that's obvious to us. We have been racking our brains to figure out what we have said or done. We had a family dinner a month ago and all seemed fine. We have always gotten on well, and now suddenly they have cut us off?? Last weekend at a family wedding we over heard them tell everyone in the family that they are selling up and took their other kids to look at their new house, (their house have been on the market for weeks!) We weren't invited? Nor were our children. At the wedding they were really short with us and didn't acknowledge our kids. It was so obvious that they have a problem with us, it was very embarrassing. They spoke about us to each other in their own language and the 'secret move' right in front of us! We are particularly upset. What make us really sad is, these are the only grandparents our kids have and our kids love seeing them( other ones passed away) and they have cut them off too?? They are not like this with any of the other kids or grandkids in the family, just us. To be honest, they have never gone out of their way to be good grandparents, our relationship had always been one sided. I have in particular fostered the relationship with them, never the other way round. I have always been the one to take the kids over to visit at least once a week as they love to see their grandmother (not so excited to see grandfather). When ever I have invited them over to our place, they would only ever come if I was offering something-dinner etc etc. I'm so done with this, I'm tired and fed up with having to do this. I don't understand why they can't just 'pop in' to visit without expecting anything. I'm even more upset now with how they are treating us. They aren't the type of people who like to discuss issues. They would rather cut you off and never see you again. They have done it to one of their other kids many years ago. So bizzare, I don't know how any mother or father can do this to their own flesh and blood. How can I deal with this in a dignified way without loosing my cool and looking like an idiot, which is what they would love to see. That's how they roll unfortunately. They are looking for us to snap back and cause a scene do they can turn this around on us. They have done it once before many many years ago, this time I'm wiser and fully aware of what they are up to. I'm don't want to let them away with it this time

  2. #2
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    Sounds really bizarre! What triggered them to do this before? You mentioned they did it years back but did you ever figure out why? Also, why did they cut their other child out? The post sounds like your torn because on one hand you seem really upset that they are acting like this but then on the other hand you have made them sound like they are cruel and spiteful so why would you be so upset to see the back of them? Either way I'm sorry that they have done this to your family and even more so their grandchildren who I would assume are completely innocent in all of this. Chances are it could be something that has annoyed them but unlikely to be something a child did!

  3. #3
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    How distressing for you, and more importantly, for your kids

    The way I see it is you have two options:-

    1. Front them and ask (politely) if there is some sort of problem or if you have done something to offend them, or

    2. Choose to live your lives happily and move on without them.

    Option 1 is the adult way of dealing with the matter, but I've been in a position like this once before and when I asked if there was a problem or if I'd done something to upset the other person I was met with raised eyebrows and an "I don't know what you're talking about" in response. I find that incredibly demeaning, especially when their bad attitude is so obviously on show! It also makes it incredibly difficult to move forward amicably, in my opinion.

    Still, there is a chance that they might enlighten you with some excuse for their poor behavior, and if they do it may allow you to move forward and 'make amends' - not that I am saying you've done anything wrong of course

    Option 2 is more of a "The best revenge is living your life happily" scenario. To an extent, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, and as far as I'm concerned if you address the issue without them meeting you half way on it, you can only let it go and move forward in your life without them.

    I know it's sad, particularly for your kids, but life is too short to be exposing yourself and your family to such poor behavior. The fact that it is family or not is sort of irrelevant in my book, because I wouldn't want to be around people who treated me like that whether they be of my blood or not.

    I'm really sorry you're even having to go through this sort of thing. Frankly it speaks more to their poor form than anything else, but it must be very hurtful to be on the receiving end of such behavior. Hugs for you.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by TortoiseNotTheHare View Post
    Sounds really bizarre! What triggered them to do this before? You mentioned they did it years back but did you ever figure out why? Also, why did they cut their other child out? The post sounds like your torn because on one hand you seem really upset that they are acting like this but then on the other hand you have made them sound like they are cruel and spiteful so why would you be so upset to see the back of them? Either way I'm sorry that they have done this to your family and even more so their grandchildren who I would assume are completely innocent in all of this. Chances are it could be something that has annoyed them but unlikely to be something a child did!
    yes, I'm torn. Mostly upset for my hubby, that he has parents like this. As I don't have any family of my own. They have been it, until now. My hubby is the type of person who stands up for himself and us and calls it how he sees it. After speaking about the situation, he did question his mother over an incident involving our daughter and her cousin. But that was 7 months ago?? We have moved on from it. All I have ever wanted as a mum is for my kids to have loving grandparents. That's all.

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    what a timely thread! we've been cut off from dh's family and I was venting to him about it earlier today. nobody talks to anyone. I'm so fed up with it, esp as my family isn't here so his are it and we basically only see his mum now.

    he was on ok terms with his brother up until our ds was born. bil's wife is a f.ck brain and nobody really likes her. I found out she took a pic off social
    media we'd posted announcing his birth and made her own fb post but no mention of congrats to us, just "my DD is excited to be a big cousin finally" and then the turd went and spelled ds' name wrong. as she has us all blocked on social media, this sly post was brought to my attention care of someone who can see her fb. I texted her instructing her to remove the post as she has no right stealing pics of our child and posting without our permission. dh then followed up with a call to his brother to explain why we were upset but BIL hung up on dh and there's been no contact since.

    dh's aunty and uncle also decided about a year ago they were "hurt" over something (but won't tell us what) and have refused to talk to us ever since. dh phoned his uncle to say look if there's an issue, let's discuss as we'd like to get things sorted. the uncle said yep cool, let me get back to you and we've heard nothing since.

    this is a bit of a trend in dh's family as other family members just stop talking over really petty things/nothing.

    I don't get it as I was raised to confront issues and discuss them so I find the entire dynamic weird and frustrating.

    no advice really but just letting you know I feel your anguish. it's very disappointing esp on holidays like Easter, Xmas etc as it's all so fractured so everyone ends up having to do 10 different things in order to see everyone.

    I'm over it. in that respect I wish we lived in my home state as everyone gets on and just acts normal. life's too short for this petty crap.

  6. #6
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    Thanks for the reply, I appreciate the listening ears!
    What should I say to the kids when they ask to go and Visit the grandparents. I don't want to lie to them. How do I handle it. They asked to visit them yesterday, but I said they weren't home. I can't keep this excuse up for to long. I also don't want to protect them from the real people they are too. Kids are still young.

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    Honestly, I'm really not sure what you can say. I don't think they need to have it all explained to them though - this is an issue between the adults and your kids should probably be left out of that.

    Perhaps a simple "Nan and Pop would love to see you but they're busy this weekend" might suffice? Hopefully some others will have more ideas....

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    Default we have been cut off from the family?!??

    I would probably call them and mention the kids would like to see them and that you heard they were moving away so it's probably good if you all sit down to tell the kids because they might be quite upset. See what they say and take it from there. Honestly I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of making a bigger deal of it than that. The kids should hear it from them that they are moving and hey the grandparents might become softer when they see the kids will miss them. They might reassure them that they will still see each other etc.

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    Default we have been cut off from the family?!??

    You sure you haven't Mis-interpreted things due to some underlying sensitivities?

    From your OP (and I understand this likely isn't he whole picture) it's sounds like there's a few things that are far too high risk for Mis-interpreting (secret signal, not paying sufficient attention at a family function, not coming over unless for a specific purpose). As for not getting an invite to check out new houses etc I personally don't see the big deal. They don't owe anyone an invite. They are grown adults. Who would want to check out a new house with a gaggle of relatives (especially kids!)? Not me! There might be some legitimate reason why the other relatives were invited. And they probably didn't want too many people around when they check out a new house etc - totally understandable.

    Try not to read too much into things and react by being sensitive in return (a big relationship killer IMO). Apologies if there is a heap of additional background that puts a different slant on things.
    Last edited by VicPark; 26-03-2016 at 17:00.

  10. #10
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    They're your husbands parents? I read that right? How does he feel about it?
    I think he should be the one to talk to them.


 

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