Sorry this will be long. Just looking for some ideas on what you would do next because I'm not sure what to do.
My mum and I have always had a difficult relationship but she loves my DD and helps me out a lot with her in terms of babysitting when I have doctors appointments (I'm pregnant and also have a chronic illness).
Over the past few months my resentment has been building up because Mum oversteps the boundary with DD. When I'm trying to discipline her she will interject and she doesn't follow through with limits when she watches DD. At her house anything goes and in turn DD has been getting so hard to manage because at home when I discipline her she just cries for Grandma and when Grandma is around she only wants her to do everything because she sees her as the 'fun' one, she can have as many tantrums as she likes with her and still get whatever she wants.
I've tried to talk to my mum about this in a subtle way but the message isn't getting through. Today I have an appointment and when I dropped DD off at her place she had another tantrum and I was disciplining her and Mum got involved and went to hug/ console her and I just lost my shiz. I yelled at her and told her I couldn't handle her always getting involved and being the big hero in DDs eyes and I'm always the bad one.
Overall I feel crap because I yelled at my Mum and left and I know I should be (and I am) grateful because she helps me out when she really doesn't have to. But a part of me also feels relieved that I got these issues out although obviously I could have gone about it better.
I don't know what to do now. I want to apologize for screaming at her and taking my frustrations out but I want to be clear that the sentiments behind the anger were valid. My mums the type that if I apologize the message will be I was wrong and we can go back to her undermining me with DD and I don't want that. Also I'm not great at apologies. Mum and I have always fought and neither of us ever really apologizes, we just ignore each other until it blows over but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be able to clear the air, apologise for the behavior but also let her know that as much as I appreciate the help, I can't handle the undermining and if I have to take one with the other I'd rather seek babysitting somewhere else.
So what would you say or do? I don't even know where to start. I feel like and a$$ for acting like a teenager and throwing a fit.