So this will probably be long & rambly. Many already know at least partly where I'm at. Right now though things cannot be at a worse place, and are worse than for any of my many suicide attempts. If it wasn't for the fact that I have been so distressed & sobbing so much as well as being monitored around the clock by staff here I would be dead by now. As it is, they are looking at transferring me to the ward again as I am too high risk in this environment.
The reason why - DHS have decided that DS cannot stay in my care until such time as the suicidal thoughts have gone, there is no self harm & the depression is gone. All things that are impossible - they have always been part of my life, DS is not aware of the suicidal thoughts nor the self harm. Obviously I haven't been able to hide the depression given at times especially lately things have been let slide considerably but I try to impact him as little as possible. The staff here are simply gobsmacked that this has happened - not one, including a psych who had worked in child protection understands why DHS is playing hardball, potentially separating us forever.
So I have been in the sensory room with blankets/pillows, coloured lights, salt lamp, various other sensory objects trying to stop the 10 hour long sobbing. Became non-functional enough to be unable to communicate with staff to let them know what was going on - was trembling all over, couldn't open my eyes, struggled to squeeze hands or communicate that I could feel them squeezing mine, or wiggling my toes etc. So much so that they thought at one point a few hours ago I had OD'd. I've been forced by the staff to get up while I wait for the transfer & feel so abnormal & out of my body, along with dizziness & according to the nurse on duty here in need of IV fluids I just can't do it any more - somehow when I go home I'm supposed to not do the thing that the only reason I haven't done it is that DS would be at home alone.