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  1. #11
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    Default Need help to repair my family dynamics

    Quote Originally Posted by BlueBubbles View Post
    Yes, I do not want to look back and wish I had done more to stop this happening.

    What I struggle with is his retaliation that it's all my fault. That he acts this way because of the problems between us....namely lack of sex and affection. So he's unhappy, doesn't sleep well, and then doesn't cope so well with challenges. He just doesn't deal well with stress full stop. I'd be interested to see if giving him what he wants twice a week would make a difference to his mood. Maybe I should do that, just force myself to, so if it doesn't work after a few weeks he can't use that excuse anymore. Or is that silly? Maybe the key to this is just making him happy by fixing things between us so he's better able to deal with the stress of the kids. If that doesn't help, then yes, an ultimatum....either stop smacking or we have to leave.

    I actually don't want to do that unless nothing else will help as he's a very involved and caring father in every other way. He does loads around the house, takes the kids out, reads to them...everything he should do. It's just the discipline that we clash on. His moods can be terrible, and the kids suffer.

    So, if we can't fix it by helping him feel better, by sorting out our relationship and reducing his stress, then we'll have to go. Sorry if I'm going around in circles here.
    Stop. He's a grown man and has 100% control over his actions. He also has a right hand I assume. You and your relationship intimacy has nothing to do with how he treats his children.

    All completely irrelevant. If you find strength within to stand up for yourself and children. You don't reward an ******* with s@x.

    I'm sorry but all of this is too close to the bone for me to continue to comment. Balls in your court. Stick up for yourself. If he won't get help then kick him out or leave.

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    BlueBubbles  (19-03-2016)

  3. #12
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    Default Need help to repair my family dynamics

    Quote Originally Posted by BlueBubbles View Post
    Yes, I do not want to look back and wish I had done more to stop this happening.

    What I struggle with is his retaliation that it's all my fault. That he acts this way because of the problems between us....namely lack of sex and affection. So he's unhappy, doesn't sleep well, and then doesn't cope so well with challenges. He just doesn't deal well with stress full stop. I'd be interested to see if giving him what he wants twice a week would make a difference to his mood. Maybe I should do that, just force myself to, so if it doesn't work after a few weeks he can't use that excuse anymore. Or is that silly? Maybe the key to this is just making him happy by fixing things between us so he's better able to deal with the stress of the kids. If that doesn't help, then yes, an ultimatum....either stop smacking or we have to leave.

    I actually don't want to do that unless nothing else will help as he's a very involved and caring father in every other way. He does loads around the house, takes the kids out, reads to them...everything he should do. It's just the discipline that we clash on. His moods can be terrible, and the kids suffer.

    So, if we can't fix it by helping him feel better, by sorting out our relationship and reducing his stress, then we'll have to go. Sorry if I'm going around in circles here.
    No no no no no please don't do that!

    That is just setting yourself and your hubby up for failure. This plan will only serve to:
    1) point score in your favour by making you more confident that your hubby is in the wrong and you are right to stand up to him/leave.
    2) teach your kids that their body is for sale and doesn't need to be respected. You shouldn't have to prostitute your body to ensure your kids safety!

    You have to forget (for now) about how your hubby feels, forget (for now) how angry you are about your hubby putting blame on you (bloody ridiculous btw!). Forget about tit-for-tat with your hubby!. Time to focus on one thing: your kids safety and happiness. It's simple- tell your hubby to stop or get out. Once your kids are safe and happy then you are free to go back and forth with hubby over semantics. Personally I would just kick him out if he didn't get help.

    Apologies if this comes across as rude. I've been where your kids are and I have no tolerance or patience for parents that sit by and let's their kid be 'smacked' while they focus on themselves. Apologies again I don't mean to hurt you I am just pretty cranky on behalf of your kids.
    Last edited by VicPark; 19-03-2016 at 20:05.

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    amiracle4me  (19-03-2016),BlueBubbles  (19-03-2016)

  5. #13
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    Ok, that's fine, no offence taken. It's useful to hear what other people think about the situation, because it's easy for me to just end up thinking that maybe he's right. It's been brewing for a long time, and getting worse over the last year, so you kinda get too entrenched in it to see clearly.

    I think I will speak to him, when all is calm, in the most unconfrontational way possible, express my concerns and ask him to come to family counselling with me. I guess that if he refuses, and doesn't admit a problem or tries to shift the blame onto me again, I'll seek help myself to look at my options. And try, in the meantime, to do all the discipline myself. And ask him to let me.

    As hard as it is being alone at home with the three kids, sometimes it's easier than when DH is here and in a bad mood.


 

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