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  1. #1
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    Default Mutual friends separating- choosing sides

    DH and I are very very close to another couple who have been together for 8 years. The man has been DHs best friend since high school. I also consider myself to be very good friends with him too. The partner and I have only in the past year become very very close- I consider her my closest friend and I think that would be reciprocated. I do not make friends with other women easily I guess it's why it took so long. In fact she's my only real female friend and been an amazing support for me since dd2 was born.

    She came over today and let me know she's leaving the partner. This is not really a surprise- it's a surprise they lasted so long! However I'm also devastated as I know the man will not be ok with me staying friends with her- I have been through this before with him and had to give up a best friend many years ago. It would also have ramifications for our whole friendship group who have been together since high school if I "chose" her. He was here first and is DHs best friend....

    So do you think it's possible I could remain friends? Why can't I just stay friends with both? Has anyone else been through this or have advice? This sucks balls, I finally find a friend now I'll probably not be able to see her

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    My DH and his ex both remained friends with their closest friends (2 separate couples, 1 was 'his' friends and one was 'hers') when they split 7 years ago and still friends with them now and so am I, I am probably closer to them than DH now! It just means that they will invite either us or her to get-togethers (though we wouldn't care if she was there she would probably feel uncomfortable and so would our friends so it's always been us or her and that's fine with us).
    It's never been an issue at all and DH would never dream of saying to his friends at the time that they had to break their friendship with his ex. Though his isn't part of a large friendship group so maybe that's different. I can't see why you can't stay friends with her and just put boundaries around it - don't talk to her about him and don't talk to him about her and socialize separately.
    I guess with these kinds of things I put myself in their shoes and think if the roles were reversed how would I feel? It's also understandable that the guy might be hurting and therefore not want you to be in touch with her but hopefully that settles down in time.
    Good luck and let us know how it pans out, I hope you can find a way to keep your friend.

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    She's your friend. Stick with it

    A friend of mine has children my age who jave been in and out of mumerous relationships. All the ex's are still 'part of the family' he tells me

    One daughter was married to Bill and is no with another Bill so the boys respondd to Bill 1 and Bill 2

    You your DP's friend is a real friend he wont try and control your friendships.

    You cant expect thatbthings will go on the same or that they will be comfy in rach others company but no reason why you cant maintaon friendship with them independent to each other
    Last edited by DaveTTC; 17-03-2016 at 18:15.

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    You don't have to choose.

    I had a really messy breakup with my XP (he treated me poorly and was unfaithful) and we shared the same close friends. Whilst they were all pretty dirty on him to begin with for what he did to me, the males involved were all close mates and they ended up staying friends with us both. I didn't expect my friends to cut ties with him just because I never wanted to see his face again! You just learn to catch up separately.

    Great friendships like the one you have with this woman are worth keeping.

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    It's so hard, isn't it? Such a common outcome when couples split too.

    I think you should approach it head on. Say to both of them that you care about each of them deeply and intend to be retaining both of your friendships but that you will respect their privacy and not share information about the other etc.

    You don't have to choose.

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    I don't think you need to choose. Anyone expecting you to choose has their priorities wrong. She sounds like you really value her friendship, the history of friendship groups since high school and him being your DH best mate, I would treat as white noise. Whilst that stuff is "nice" it's kinda just sentimental and when you have a good friend then I wouldnt trade that for those things, which are just sentiments and force you to live in the past. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself too, you never know how things could turn out or how people will react.

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    You should not have to choose. Or be made to choose.

    Some good friends of mine split years ago (they were engaged at the time). I am friends with both of them (they have since repartnered and one now has 2 little boys!).

    Neither had the expectation we should choose. And neither ask/talk/b!tch about the other.

    I will also note my DH is friends with them all too.

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    No need to chose. Perfectly fine to continue friendships with both of them, just don't invite them to the same dinner party!

    Some of my friends are still friends with my ex. No dramas there, we even recently went to a mutual friends wedding. Slightly awkward introducing him to DF but all was fine. DF's ex is still good friends with his family, also no dramas.

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    I would find this really hard also as I find it really hard to make friends and don't like to rock the boat. I would just see how it pans out. You never know she may want a bit of distance for awhile and it is always a good excuse for a girls night!

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    If you think he will try to stop you seeing her, just broach it head on. Say you are sorry things didn't work out for them, but you love them both and will continue to be friends with them both. Don't give him the option to ask you not to. And if he tries to tell you not to, tell him to grow up! He doesn't get to choose who you are friends with.


 

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