Before I type this out I just want to say that I have created this thread for support and to hear from others who are feeling the same way I am. I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't want to hear from those who don't feel this way or don't understand only to be told how fulfilling they find their life and how I need counselling. I know my options, that is not why I created this thread.
Sorry if that came across rude.
Lately, actually, for a very long while now, I have felt no interest in life. I don't feel sad, per se. I just feel no motivation to do anything. I feel little to no pleasure in just about everything. I go to work, clean the house, see family and do all that stuff that everyone else does, but get little to no pleasure from it. Seeing family helps keep me from getting depressed, and I like doing it, but that's as far as it goes. I feel like I'm going through the motions. So I basically function fine. I just feel flat, like 90% of the time.
I don't have any hobbies because I have zero interest in anything. I don't have anyone I consider friends because I'm tired of being the one to initiate contact and feeling like they are more important to me than I am to them. I have DP and I love him. I know I love him, but even with him I feel flat and that's something that has started to hurt me deeply. I don't want to feel like that with him because he is truly that one person for me.
I'm finding it hard to focus at work, but that could be because I haven't had longer than a week off in almost 2 years (I changed jobs so have had to let my annual leave build up). I am going to America soon, though so that is something to look forward to. And I'm going for a specific thing in mind that is a dream for me to actually do. I feel like it's the first bit of joy I will feel in a long time.
I fell into my job. I have no interest in it. I used to. I used to want to step up. But when I did I was under so much stress I decided to step down. Decided I just want a regular job and no stress.
I feel guilt for things I did 5+ years ago. And those things make me feel like a bad person today, even though I have changed so much in those 5 years. I can't shake off the regret. It shaped me so much and changed me so much, but I feel like my stupidity made me lose a lot as well. Like a sense of anything other than numbness and regret. The severity of the emotions I felt in one year, it's like something shut down in my brain and I haven't been able to switch it back on.
I am not depressed. I don't feel a crippling sense of sadness. I just feel nothing. And sometimes that gets me down a little.
I guess I just want to hear from those who know what it's like and are going through something similar.