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  1. #11
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    He chucked your stuff out the window? Seriously? What will he do when he gets annoyed that the baby has been crying for too long? What messages will his behaviour send to your little one about how a marriage works?

    Did this really all just start 6 months ago? Were there really no signs before then? If that's true, it might be something the two of you can work out. But it seems like a massive shift from loving partner to threatening to throw your pregnant wife out of the house.

    Only you can decide what type of treatment you're willing to put up with, but remember that the baby has no choice and is relying on you to do what's best for both of you. As PP suggested, getting support is important. May I ask why you don't want your close friends to know? How would you feel if one of your close friends came to you with a similar story? Would you think less of them or would you just want to help? Chances are your friends and family would feel the same.

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  3. #12
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    Thank you for all the replies, it means a lot to me.

    I think the main reason for me not telling others is just the embarrassment, which is totally selfish I realise (especially with a new baby on the way). I know if I tell my family they would want me to head back there ASAP, which is something I am seriously considering (although haven't mentioned to my partner at all).
    The relationship used to be brilliant, but I know in the past 12 months his job has become fairly stressful and I am sure a lot of his mood swings generate from this. No substance abuse or history of it. I don't intentionally antagonise him and always offer support, be it changing jobs or moving to a new area...but it can get weary when I am pregnant and working full time myself.

    I have made the decision to see a counsellor, and I hope DH agrees to attend the sessions with me. Hopefully they could provide some insight, and even (like many of you suggested) point out any mental health issues which I was sticking my head in the sand about.
    I know I need to make the right decision for myself and the baby, and if this means leaving DH then I need to shake myself into action. Waiting until the baby arrives in an attempt that this will miraculously change him isn't going to happen, and I guess I just find it heartbreaking that at 5 months pregnant I am considering these things.

  4. #13
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    I know it may not be on your radar at this point, but maybe something to keep in mind - moving back to the UK once bubs is born will be extremely difficult. If you are going to go you need to go soon....

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  6. #14
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    Once your baby is born he can prevent you leaving Australia with Bub. I'd be giving serious thought to returning to my family in the UK while pregnant and he can't stop you. I definitely would not discuss this with him. Just quietly make your plans and book a ticket. If you don't have your own credit card to use, ask your family to pay so he won't see the charge.

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  8. #15
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    Agree with pp. run whilst you can and before you have the baby. You will need a support network regardless as having a baby is a major life change.

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  10. #16
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    You can always come back, but you won't be able to leave with bubs once it's born. I agree with the others. Go now and sort it out later

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  12. #17
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    Default 21 weeks and relationship concerns

    I feel so sad for you OP. If you weren't pregnant and had family in Australia my advice would be different, but given that you are pregnant, I really agree about getting out.

    If there's part of you thinking and hoping that when he meets his little child that it will be like a magic switch where he is overcome with love for him/her which will transfer into love and respect for you, that you just need to hang in there for that time to come...my experience there would suggest this is very unlikely.

    The incident of throwing your stuff on the lawn seems to me like a direct response to you standing up for yourself - he is scared of losing control and his hold over you. This is likely the start of escalating abuse and control.

    Is this a risk you feel is worth it, given you will have a newborn in the mix? Newborns are hard. They rattle even the strongest of relationships. And what I found when I was stuck in a loop of emotional abuse with my ex (nothing as bad as what you are describing and with more history that helped me understand what caused it), was that he also tried to control the decisions I made as a parent. I will share some examples so you know what I mean:

    I regret some of the things I didn't fight for because it was just too hard, I was too worn down, I didn't trust myself because I had been so gaslit that I honestly believed that I was the crazy person. He randomly threw out all of my saucepans because of 'toxic' Teflon (and didn't replace them with anything). He had a tantrum when I began solids. He had a tantrum when I added some formula feeds when I couldn't provide enough to satiate my big boy at 8/9 months. He wouldn't let me baby wear because he decided it would do damage to DS's penis. He wouldn't let me visit my mother overseas because of radiation from aeroplanes. He threw out the mat I had under DS's high chair because it was plastic.

    Even now, living two hours away from him it is constant - the foods I feed him (no soy or tomatoes), the sunscreen I use, the cleaning products, no spraying the house for pests etc etc. No treatment for his eczema because of steroids. A battle to use medication when he has conjunctivitis. It's all part of his anxiety but it is exhausting. And this is when we are now in an amicable place (mostly!) and he is a wonderful, loving father. He still has no respect for me or concerns for my wellbeing. He still thinks he is the only one that 'knows'.

    These would have been issues no matter how strong our relationship was.

    I can't imagine how difficult it would be to still be living together. I would be the shell of myself that I was on the way to becoming. And still I question my decision to leave!

    In your case, I think you are heading for even more of a difficult time, with the addition of not understanding where it has come from.

    It may be that your partner will turn around and be a wonderful father. But will he be a wonderful partner? Please don't sacrifice your own wellbeing for your child's 'right' to a father.

    Sorry for the essay. I am hungover :-) But also I am so sad and feel wary for you. If you choose to stay in Aus, I would recommend setting up a private bank account and save as much money as you can, so should it come to it you can make a plan to leave.

    And please tell your friends. They love you and will help you. Best of luck.

    ETA I would also recommend documenting everything that occurs. If nothing else, it can be a reminder to you of the way he has treated you should you be trying to make a decision in the future.
    Last edited by harvs; 14-03-2016 at 11:33.

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  14. #18
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    Thank you all (again)!!

    I made the decision to talk to my Mum about it tonight as I know DH will be out at work until later on.
    Today I received some messages whilst at work accusing me of throwing out some ham he wanted. It's all very bizarre and I feel like he is just wanting to pick a fight.
    Part of me feels so guilty at the idea of heading back to the UK, especially if he is going through some sort of breakdown...I want to support him. However I know the legalities of leaving once the baby is here are tenfold & I would feel far worse knowing I brought a newborn knowingly into such an environment.

    I will keep everyone updated as to what I decide, time is of the essence unfortunately, but it is nice to know many others would consider doing the same in my position. x

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  16. #19
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    Also remember you wont be able to fly long haul after certain gestation. Not sure exactly what that cut off is. All the best.

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  18. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleriv View Post
    Also remember you wont be able to fly long haul after certain gestation. Not sure exactly what that cut off is. All the best.
    32 weeks? Best to check with the airline though.


 

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