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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    Hey Hun, I've been reading quietly along. I agree that I don't think you're overreacting but just wanted to put in my couple of cents.

    I know it was asked in the accountant thread, but are you 100% sure he's not having an affair? Even if it's a grey area like an emotional affair or a crush or something he's not sure how to handle? Or could there be something else he's holding back from you - something about the business maybe?

    Also, I just wanted to advise you to be careful about going down the trial separation road. You have to be prepared for it to end in actual separation, because of the four options that can come out of it only one involves staying married. It's a huge risk to take and one that I wish I'd thought through better. I know you said that you don't think you're there yet so it's probably irrelevant.

    You seem like a very open and kind and fair person so I'm a bit baffled as to how he could be treating you like this tbh. I hope he pulls himself together soon x
    Thanks for your insights @harvs, much appreciated. I have thought through the affair thing quite a bit as to my mind he has seemed to be acting like some men do when they are having an affair & start treating their wife like crap & when she reacts they feel justified as their wife is now "the biatch". But having said that I have confronted him & asked him outright if he is / has & he is totally gob smacked that I would even think that. His first wife had an affair so it is something that he abhors. If there is any affair it is with his business... So without any evidence at all & him totally denying it I have to trust that that's not it...

    Thanks for your feedback about separating, I would only do that as a last resort so thanks for the warning. I do travel a bit for work so I might extend a trip just to have some time out without it being a separation as such.

    Hugs my friend xxxx

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by witherwings View Post
    I'm glad to hear you're not quite there yet. Hopefully once the schedule with his son is finalised you will have more time together. Maybe he also needs more time to grieve about the losses with IVF.. It sounds to me like he is trying to make an effort but is kind of stuck between two lives - one where he is a busy entrepreneur and needs to make time for his son, and the other where he is a loving partner and wants to start a family with you. Maybe some more time and just continuing to be communicative is all that's required?

    Good luck x
    Thank you for your kind words, and yes I hope when things settle into new routine that we can put some time aside for ourselves & keep the communication going & find a way to get our relationship back on track. DH is a really good man & when we are good, we are are awesome together, so it is worth working on. I've been in bad relationships in the past & he is not like those partners at all, so I hope this is just a combination of grief, stress & being a bit self-absorbed & is going to pass soon.

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  4. #23
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    Oh @Summer I'm sorry you're struggling. Only you and DH know the ins and outs of everything and the true dynamic of your relationship but from what you've posted I'll offer my 2 cents.
    DH may indeed be struggling to emotionally deal with your miscarriages and the fertility treatment. To me this has no bearing on the single restaurant incident in question though, but would partially explain a pattern of disconnecting/emotional distance. But you say this has been going on 1.5 years now. That's not ok. I wonder if counseling for you both might help? Sorry if I missed if you've already gone down this route.
    He seems to be struggling with committing to further ivf/DE treatment too for whatever reason so personally, as hard as this would be, I'd be holding off on any further treatment until things are positively resolved. Having been through 2 years of fertility treatment we now have an 8 month old DD and it's been such a massive challenge if our relationship wasn't solid I have no doubt it would be over by now with all this stress. A baby, in my view, adds massive stress and only amplifies any existing issues no matter how small. It's amazing how the smallest thing can make you think of divorce when you're sleep deprived and vulnerable.
    I agree with you that when you feel a pattern of being dismissed, ignored and taken for granted then what seem like a small incident can blow up. I personally would be P!ssed at DH for making things all about him then when you wanted to turn the focus to you he made it all about him again and shut you down. Yes I'd be annoyed at that but next day i'd get over it as its not a pattern in my marriage. The fact it's an issue indicates there's a deeper problem.
    My concern would be that the accountant issue last year blew up into a huge issue that had you questioning your marriage. You're now having an undercurrent of issues (feeling dismissed, the holiday cancelled etc) which are causing you to question your marriage. That's not a healthy place to be in. I don't need to tell you that.
    There's a lot going on for you, for him and for both of you together. It sounds like you have had a very close happy supportive relationship so I hope you can get that back and I think some relationship counseling to lay out all the little things and the big things might help you guys. I'd be wary of throwing around terms like time apart trial separations etc as @harvs said. I did a trial separation in my previous marriage and 3 days after I moved out exDH told me he wanted a divorce.
    Long and the short no I don't think you're being unreasonable or overreacting or too sensitive. Big hugs I hope you can get things back on track soon xx

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    harvs  (12-03-2016),Sonja  (13-03-2016),Summer  (12-03-2016)

  6. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carpe diem 2013 View Post
    Nice idea in principle however, it's not really the point is it? You enter into a relationship/marriage with an expectation that you will spend quality time together.For me this also includes trips away to escape the daily grind
    It's not about points. The OP going alone would:
    1) give her a break
    2) send a clear message to hubby that she will now allow her needs or wants to be glossed over.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Summer View Post
    Thanks @Renesme yes the baby making is on hold for the moment, & the counselor we saw said that he's bottled up all his grief & hasn't dealt with it properly. It comes out in anger & disinterest in IVF as he can't face another miscarriage.

    We have had some big conversations about our relationship & there have been some positive changes, but I am still feeling lost & know that we need quality time together to rebuild things.

    We're just in the middle of changing custody arrangements for DSS & once all that is finalized in the next month or so we will have every second weekend to ourselves which we haven't had since we've been together (we've had DSS every weekend - now changing to week about) so DH has promised me weekends away & said we will plan a holiday once we know the final schedule for DSS. I hope he means it...
    Well that sounds pretty positive. I'm glad to see he's seeing a counsellor. It must be so hard having so many miscarriages. I can't comment on that as it hasn't happened to me and I can only imagine how hard it is. I hope that when DSS's arrangements change that things start looking up. It sounds like he just needs a break to come to terms with what's happened and how things are. It's good to see two people trying to make their relationship work rather than just giving up so easily. Well done and good luck ! Keep us updated.

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  10. #26
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    Default WWYD? DH rude or am I too sensitive? *mini-vent*

    .
    Last edited by silverbreeze; 15-03-2016 at 15:00.

  11. #27
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    But wouldn't the april holiday be about when your custody thing will hopefully be finalised, so would have been a nice break to look forward to after a long battle ? Can you not put it to him that way ? Not everything in life is about work, and if he can't go now, the million dollar question would be when CAN he go? Is he going to say that to you when you book another holiday for 6 months time ? How long is the holiday for ? I would be gutted just as much as you in that situation. I really feel for you and hope things that can better xx

  12. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by gingermillie View Post
    Oh @Summer I'm sorry you're struggling. Only you and DH know the ins and outs of everything and the true dynamic of your relationship but from what you've posted I'll offer my 2 cents.
    DH may indeed be struggling to emotionally deal with your miscarriages and the fertility treatment. To me this has no bearing on the single restaurant incident in question though, but would partially explain a pattern of disconnecting/emotional distance. But you say this has been going on 1.5 years now. That's not ok. I wonder if counseling for you both might help? Sorry if I missed if you've already gone down this route.
    He seems to be struggling with committing to further ivf/DE treatment too for whatever reason so personally, as hard as this would be, I'd be holding off on any further treatment until things are positively resolved. Having been through 2 years of fertility treatment we now have an 8 month old DD and it's been such a massive challenge if our relationship wasn't solid I have no doubt it would be over by now with all this stress. A baby, in my view, adds massive stress and only amplifies any existing issues no matter how small. It's amazing how the smallest thing can make you think of divorce when you're sleep deprived and vulnerable.
    I agree with you that when you feel a pattern of being dismissed, ignored and taken for granted then what seem like a small incident can blow up. I personally would be P!ssed at DH for making things all about him then when you wanted to turn the focus to you he made it all about him again and shut you down. Yes I'd be annoyed at that but next day i'd get over it as its not a pattern in my marriage. The fact it's an issue indicates there's a deeper problem.
    My concern would be that the accountant issue last year blew up into a huge issue that had you questioning your marriage. You're now having an undercurrent of issues (feeling dismissed, the holiday cancelled etc) which are causing you to question your marriage. That's not a healthy place to be in. I don't need to tell you that.
    There's a lot going on for you, for him and for both of you together. It sounds like you have had a very close happy supportive relationship so I hope you can get that back and I think some relationship counseling to lay out all the little things and the big things might help you guys. I'd be wary of throwing around terms like time apart trial separations etc as @harvs said. I did a trial separation in my previous marriage and 3 days after I moved out exDH told me he wanted a divorce.
    Long and the short no I don't think you're being unreasonable or overreacting or too sensitive. Big hugs I hope you can get things back on track soon xx

    Thanks so much @gingermillie I so appreciate your thoughts and for writing.

    I agree exactly that if there wasn't underlying issues then DH making it all about him would make me roll my eyes and then forget about it as it wouldn't have been a common thing - but we do have an imbalance in our relationship where he is happy if all his needs are being met, but there is very little consideration for mine.

    We have been to counseling a couple of times and it has always been very successful and DH has taken on board the suggestions. At the last session the counselor did say that DH had bottled up his grief and this was why he was reacting so badly, but I haven't seen DH do anything to resolve his feelings, so that is still up in the air.

    I did go away for ten days for work, and when I got back he was definitely different, much more attentive, loving, communicative etc and it was like I had my real husband back, not this selfish person that he seemed to have become over the past eighteen months... So in many ways this is very good, but he can't wipe out all the bad stuff just because he's suddenly realised what our relationship means to him, he has to actually resolve some of the issues.

    So it's still a work in progress but I think we're moving more towards the right direction that we have been.

    Thanks

  13. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4LeafClover View Post
    But wouldn't the april holiday be about when your custody thing will hopefully be finalised, so would have been a nice break to look forward to after a long battle ? Can you not put it to him that way ? Not everything in life is about work, and if he can't go now, the million dollar question would be when CAN he go? Is he going to say that to you when you book another holiday for 6 months time ? How long is the holiday for ? I would be gutted just as much as you in that situation. I really feel for you and hope things that can better xx
    Thanks @4LeafClover the holiday things is actually really gutting me as well. We weren't sure how it would fit with the custody arrangements, but it actually slots in between times we have DSS now, and we still have court at the end of April (the last one I hope if it's not resolved beforehand) so the timing would have worked. The thing that bothers me the most is that he says he can't leave his job right now, but he's had nine months notice of these dates, so had had plenty of time to get a plan in place to allow him to go away for a week with his wife. We could actually do it as only four days off work for him plus a weekend. The thing is that he has a fishing trip booked for a week away in July, so I can guarantee he won't miss that, and I don't know what is going to change at work between April and July? Or whatever steps he's going to put in place so that he can be away in July, why he couldn't have put them in place now so we could have a holiday?

    So all in all, even though he's making more effort and is much more loving and engaged with me, this is still bubbling under the surface for me and I will have to bring it up as it is going to fester away if I keep stewing on it. For me it is really clear that I'm not a priority in his life, and until he truly demonstrates otherwise, I am not going to be able to trust that we are fully OK again.


 

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