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  1. #1
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    Default WWYD? DH rude or am I too sensitive? *mini-vent*

    I probably shouldn't even be writing this, it's too petty really, but I'm a bit lost with my relationship and think I'm amplifying little things out of proportion and need some balanced opinions from the wise ladies on BH.

    DH & I have had a rough year and he's been really disconnected from me since my last miscarriage in Sept 2014. We had a huge blow-up mid-year last year over our accountant, of all things (huge thread on that one!) and he's been particularly uninterested in IVF (I've done 7 medically assisted cycles of which 4 were full stim cycles with no results). He says he is fully supportive of DE, but every time I bring it up, he brings up the $$ which is actually not the issue. So I guess I've been feeling pretty alone and like I'm the only one fighting to keep our marriage going. That does sound melodramatic, it's actually not that bad, but the disconnect is tangible. I thought we were going along pretty well, but now I'm questioning that.

    Anyway, last night we didn't have DSS so I organised for us to go out for dinner and have a little date night. DH comes home from work, opens a beer and we sit and chat for half an hour about his work day. Then he finally says "I've been talking all about me, how was your day?". I looked at my watch and we had to be at the restaurant in ten minutes so I said "hold that thought, let's chat over dinner."

    So he had a quick shower and we headed out. Over dinner: - pre-dinner drinks, entree and main he talked the whole time - I found it all interesting, I love hearing about his work and thoughts etc, but then when he'd finished eating he kind of made noises about leaving. So I said "hang on, I haven't talked about my day at all". So while we were sipping the last of our drinks I started telling a story about an interesting happening that day. As soon as I started talking DH was squirming in his seat. Stretching one way, then the other, leaning to the side and pulling faces. I stopped and asked what the matter was and he replied "this hard bench is really hurting my back". After another minute or so of me talking and him squirming around trying to get comfortable I gave up and said we'd just leave.

    To his credit he did try to engage me a bit when we got home but the moment was gone and I honestly couldn't be fcked. All I thought was, funny how his back didn't hurt when he was talking and eating for an hour and a half, but as soon as I started it was so bad he couldn't sit still...

    I have really bad insomnia and this week it's been off the charts and for several nights I've only had 2-3 hours of broken sleep, so I wasn't in the best of moods, but I was doing fine until he seemed to so obviously switch off when I started talking. Then to cap it off, even though I've asked hundreds of times for him to switch off the alarm on his watch on weekends so we don't get woken up at 4.15am, of course it went off again this morning. He rolls over and goes back to sleep but that's it for me - no more sleep. So even knowing that I have insomnia and have had a really hard week, the consideration of turning off his alarm never crosses his mind. Obviously I have to stop being a big whinger and and just go and buy a bedside alarm clock that gets set every night so he can stop using the automatic one on his watch, but I just feel like I'm so overlooked all the time and my needs don't matter.

    Last July I booked us a holiday for this April after confirming that DH did want to attend a course together and have a little holiday as well - something we were both really interested in and have done before. I paid a deposit on our villa, and booked us in for the course. DH decided now that he's too busy at work and can't go, so I have to cancel. We've had one holiday together in four years and didn't even have a honeymoon after we got married. I thought it was really important for us to have some time away to connect, but business comes first. Except that I can guarantee that if it was a fishing trip with DSS that he'd booked, there's no way he would have cancelled it - work or not.

    Anyway, sorry for the stupid vent, I'm probably just really tired and feeling vulnerable. I guess my question is, WWYD?

    1) Believe that DH didn't mean to be so dismissive of me and genuinely had a sore back that he only noticed when he stopped talking / eating?

    or

    2) Believe that he's not actually interested in what I have to say and I'm beating my head against a brick wall trying to get DH to be present in our relationship?

  2. #2
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    Cancelling the holiday would bother me big time! That's not a petty gripe. Especially as you never go on holiday. That would have been asking a few more questions.

    As for the dinner - I think that probably A) happened. Once he stopped monopolising the conversation he realised his back was hurting. But that doesn't mean B) isn't true as well.

    When he cancelled the holiday did you get a say in it at all? Or did he just dictate that now it was cancelled? Because going from your other threads as well as this one it does seem like he takes you for granted and is quite dismissive of your feelings and opinions on pretty much everything.

  3. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MissMuppet For This Useful Post:

    Summer  (12-03-2016),TheGooch  (12-03-2016)

  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Summer View Post

    1) Believe that DH didn't mean to be so dismissive of me and genuinely had a sore back that he only noticed when he stopped talking / eating?

    or

    2) Believe that he's not actually interested in what I have to say and I'm beating my head against a brick wall trying to get DH to be present in our relationship?
    It seems like it would more likely be (a) but I have to ask - does he always start squirming and stop paying attention to you when you're talking or was it just this one time?

    I don't think you could take one incident like that and say he doesn't care about what you have to say.
    As for the alarm clock, it could be more a case of forgetfulness than a case of being inconsiderate.

    It sounds like you need to have a proper talk with him about what's important to you and your concerns. You want to have a baby, you want to have a holiday once in a blue moon, you want to have him pay more attention to you and your needs (eg sleep). It's not a lot to ask.

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  6. #4
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    I also wanted to say, it's not petty at all. All these things have built up, lots of little things that weren't dealt with and have snowballed into you feeling invisible in the relationship. You have every right to complain. Good luck x

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    I have very similar issues in my marriage.
    And I could post vents about them all day long.
    They are all small and when taken individually could be explained away.
    But looked at as a whole, it's obvious- my H doesn't give a rat's *** and expects me to not only look after the house, kids, myself and him, but also to carry our relationship.
    We started going to counselling (his suggestion but I've had to drag him the last two times) and had a baby two weeks ago- I am still recovering from csec but god forbid he helps in any way. He is super with the baby though. Which IS something, and I am the first to praise him on it... but that doesn't make the other stuff resolve itself.

    He's selfish. I've always known, but only now see.

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    Summer  (12-03-2016)

  10. #6
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    Default WWYD? DH rude or am I too sensitive? *mini-vent*

    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    I have very similar issues in my marriage.
    And I could post vents about them all day long.
    They are all small and when taken individually could be explained away.
    But looked at as a whole, it's obvious- my H doesn't give a rat's *** and expects me to not only look after the house, kids, myself and him, but also to carry our relationship.
    We started going to counselling (his suggestion but I've had to drag him the last two times) and had a baby two weeks ago- I am still recovering from csec but god forbid he helps in any way. He is super with the baby though. Which IS something, and I am the first to praise him on it... but that doesn't make the other stuff resolve itself.

    He's selfish. I've always known, but only now see.
    Hugs. Sorry you are going through this and you are not in a more loving supportive relationship.

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  12. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    I have very similar issues in my marriage.
    And I could post vents about them all day long.
    They are all small and when taken individually could be explained away.
    But looked at as a whole, it's obvious- my H doesn't give a rat's *** and expects me to not only look after the house, kids, myself and him, but also to carry our relationship.
    We started going to counselling (his suggestion but I've had to drag him the last two times) and had a baby two weeks ago- I am still recovering from csec but god forbid he helps in any way. He is super with the baby though. Which IS something, and I am the first to praise him on it... but that doesn't make the other stuff resolve itself.

    He's selfish. I've always known, but only now see.
    I've personally found that having kids can change your perspective very quickly.

    @Summer - I would be hurt by what you have described. I don't think your vent is stupid.

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  14. #8
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    @Summer, from memory you and your DH have always shown a lot of affection for eachother, has that side of things changed too?

    If it has, I would likely be upset at him for what you have described as a package off different behaviour from him, otherwise it just sounds like typical self absorbed behaviour which I believe most people would go through from time to time.

    Either way you have a right to be upset by his recent behaviour, it's not nice when someone acts the way he has.

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    [QUOTE=Summer;8428511
    I guess my question is, WWYD?

    1) Believe that DH didn't mean to be so dismissive of me and genuinely had a sore back that he only noticed when he stopped talking / eating?

    or

    2) Believe that he's not actually interested in what I have to say and I'm beating my head against a brick wall trying to get DH to be present in our relationship?[/QUOTE]

    1 + a smidge of 2 + yourself putting up some roadblocks to conversation due to sensitivity for past 1's and 2's and other issues.

    Letting your crankiness fester without saying anything about what's bothering you doesn't help.
    Poor male communicator + silently cranky female = recipe for disaster.

    If you are upset about something (eg holiday) stand your ground, say how important it is to you and let whatever happens, happen.

    Best of luck x

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    Summer  (12-03-2016)

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    @MissMuppet he pretty much dictated that we had to cancel the holiday as his business is too busy for him to leave unattended at the moment. I've begged, pleaded, reasoned, and had it out with him over it but he won't budge. He's now said that we'll plan something else later in the year so we'll see. You are correct, over the past year he has become much more dismissive of me and I'm feeling very much taken for granted, hence the post about stuff that probably shouldn't matter as much as it does.

    @witherwings thanks for your feedback and support, you're right I can't take these small incidents and globally label him as being unsupportive, but obviously this type of stuff has been going on for quite a while, for me (who is usually very balanced, logical and emotionally stable) to be getting upset. I have talked to him very clearly about my needs that aren't being met, and we've also had counseling, so it's not like he doesn't know, it just seems like he really couldn't be bothered.

    @DT75 Congratulations on the arrival of your bubs!! But I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you are in marriage too and I totally understand how you feel. It's not just the small incidents that happen regularly on their own, it's the cumulative effect of them and the overriding attitude behind them. I guess why I'm starting to get so upset over it is that prior to the past year DH wasn't like this at all. We were amazingly close, he was kind, genuinely interested in me, excited to spend time together and didn't take me for granted at all. He changed after my last miscarriage and things have been progressively getting worse. As long as his needs are met (and I look after everything, same as you) all is well, but my needs are overlooked time and time again, even when they are clearly discussed with him.

    @A-Squared yes there is still quite a bit of affection there, but over the past year his behaviour has changed quite drastically. It started with the last miscarriage and blew right up with the accountant issues we had. He is very stressed at the moment and I try to be very understanding and supportive, but there is a limit to how much self-absorption I can take without being recognised for the huge effort I put in. I know I'm having a little pity party today and tomorrow I'll just get on with things, but to have the husband I adore be so distant and not willing to put me first at any time is starting to really hurt.

    @VicPark I don't usually have such poor emotional intelligence to not speak up for myself or to have a silent cranky - that's not my normal behaviour but I just got to the point last night after over a year of increasingly bad behaviour by my DH & being really tired, for it to just be a bit too much. I have stood my ground regarding the holiday more times than I can count. I've been very clear about how important it is to me, and I've gone over it with him many times, yet he will not budge on the issue so now it's done and I have to cancel. This isn't about me not being able to speak up, I'm actually tired of speaking up and not being heard. :-(
    Last edited by Summer; 12-03-2016 at 18:45.

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