I probably shouldn't even be writing this, it's too petty really, but I'm a bit lost with my relationship and think I'm amplifying little things out of proportion and need some balanced opinions from the wise ladies on BH.
DH & I have had a rough year and he's been really disconnected from me since my last miscarriage in Sept 2014. We had a huge blow-up mid-year last year over our accountant, of all things (huge thread on that one!) and he's been particularly uninterested in IVF (I've done 7 medically assisted cycles of which 4 were full stim cycles with no results). He says he is fully supportive of DE, but every time I bring it up, he brings up the $$ which is actually not the issue. So I guess I've been feeling pretty alone and like I'm the only one fighting to keep our marriage going. That does sound melodramatic, it's actually not that bad, but the disconnect is tangible. I thought we were going along pretty well, but now I'm questioning that.
Anyway, last night we didn't have DSS so I organised for us to go out for dinner and have a little date night. DH comes home from work, opens a beer and we sit and chat for half an hour about his work day. Then he finally says "I've been talking all about me, how was your day?". I looked at my watch and we had to be at the restaurant in ten minutes so I said "hold that thought, let's chat over dinner."
So he had a quick shower and we headed out. Over dinner: - pre-dinner drinks, entree and main he talked the whole time - I found it all interesting, I love hearing about his work and thoughts etc, but then when he'd finished eating he kind of made noises about leaving. So I said "hang on, I haven't talked about my day at all". So while we were sipping the last of our drinks I started telling a story about an interesting happening that day. As soon as I started talking DH was squirming in his seat. Stretching one way, then the other, leaning to the side and pulling faces. I stopped and asked what the matter was and he replied "this hard bench is really hurting my back". After another minute or so of me talking and him squirming around trying to get comfortable I gave up and said we'd just leave.
To his credit he did try to engage me a bit when we got home but the moment was gone and I honestly couldn't be fcked. All I thought was, funny how his back didn't hurt when he was talking and eating for an hour and a half, but as soon as I started it was so bad he couldn't sit still...
I have really bad insomnia and this week it's been off the charts and for several nights I've only had 2-3 hours of broken sleep, so I wasn't in the best of moods, but I was doing fine until he seemed to so obviously switch off when I started talking. Then to cap it off, even though I've asked hundreds of times for him to switch off the alarm on his watch on weekends so we don't get woken up at 4.15am, of course it went off again this morning. He rolls over and goes back to sleep but that's it for me - no more sleep. So even knowing that I have insomnia and have had a really hard week, the consideration of turning off his alarm never crosses his mind. Obviously I have to stop being a big whinger and and just go and buy a bedside alarm clock that gets set every night so he can stop using the automatic one on his watch, but I just feel like I'm so overlooked all the time and my needs don't matter.
Last July I booked us a holiday for this April after confirming that DH did want to attend a course together and have a little holiday as well - something we were both really interested in and have done before. I paid a deposit on our villa, and booked us in for the course. DH decided now that he's too busy at work and can't go, so I have to cancel. We've had one holiday together in four years and didn't even have a honeymoon after we got married. I thought it was really important for us to have some time away to connect, but business comes first. Except that I can guarantee that if it was a fishing trip with DSS that he'd booked, there's no way he would have cancelled it - work or not.
Anyway, sorry for the stupid vent, I'm probably just really tired and feeling vulnerable. I guess my question is, WWYD?
1) Believe that DH didn't mean to be so dismissive of me and genuinely had a sore back that he only noticed when he stopped talking / eating?
2) Believe that he's not actually interested in what I have to say and I'm beating my head against a brick wall trying to get DH to be present in our relationship?