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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cicho View Post
    Stick to your guns.

    My MIL is still washing, cooking and cleaning for her 35 year old son.
    Please tell me the 35yo has a job. My DH's 2 cousins (25/22ish) both live at home and do not work. Or do anything. Except mooch off mum and dad to party. They buy everything for them.

    Whenever I have mentioned getting a job or not mooching they get sooooo angry at me. The gap year will soon be a gap decade. Funny thing is all their friends have jobs and also finished uni etc.

  2. #32
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    imo the punishment is not harsh enough. at 16 he should already know and be doing these tasks already.

  3. #33
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    Unless you have a teenager it's difficult to understand how hard it is. In a lot of ways it's like parenting a very tall toddler. I also really like Renn's advice. It's hard to keep the emotion out of these disputes but that is the key. I also don't think you should force them into a corner - as in "you will do what I say" it's better to give options and respect their views. I think all parents expect their 16yos will be helping a lot around the house - until they have one!

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  5. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hulahoop View Post
    I might be going against the grain here, but does a nearly 16 year old need to be shown how to make a sandwich and put an apple in his bag? It doesn't take a lot of imagination and if he gets is wrong, he will not starve or die of malnutrition. Stick to your guns and follow through with your new rules.
    I am with you on this one.

  6. #35
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    TeamAwesome is offline No one's perfect, but everyone can be awesome.
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    Default Too harsh?

    My kids are almost 12,10.5,8.5 and 5.5. Oldest three make their own lunch for school from grade 1. Dishes same time frame. Folding from 3.5yo. Beds from 5yo. It may not be perfect but they do it. They also tidy their rooms on weekends them vacuum (or did before our vacuum was broken)
    The older three can put on washing and hang it out or my eldest.


    It is the path of least resistance to keep doing things for your kids but it will make you very unhappy and feel unappreciated.

    We frequently block our kids from things with the Internet (write into firewall which websites are blocked) kids are not administrator.

    Please don't think I'm having a go if he does the "it's not fair" you can tell him I know of little kids half your age who do it. Maybe not perfectly nor how I would do it but they can do so much more than we can give tem credit for.

    I have raised my kids not to be dependent on me because I have seen how much it doesn't help prepare kids for real life if mum does things for them - when I left home I could bake but not cook because my mum wouldn't let us learn in the kitchen.

    She still makes my brothers bed and makes his lunch and does everything for him and he is 28.
    Last edited by TeamAwesome; 07-03-2016 at 18:50.

  7. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by beancounter View Post
    Unless you have a teenager it's difficult to understand how hard it is. In a lot of ways it's like parenting a very tall toddler. I also really like Renn's advice. It's hard to keep the emotion out of these disputes but that is the key. I also don't think you should force them into a corner - as in "you will do what I say" it's better to give options and respect their views. I think all parents expect their 16yos will be helping a lot around the house - until they have one!
    This x 1000

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  9. #37
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    It sounds like it was a stressful night for everyone

    Just a few points for your consideration. Yes I am coming from the angle of the once-upon-a-time-teenager who always fought with her parents - which sucked big time.

    1) accept that different people have different likes and values and that's ok. You may value healthy wraps and crackers, your son may not. He may prefer a bucket of hot chips. It doesn't mean you don't love him or vice versa. It just means you don't make him wraps anymore - no hard feelings. To this day it ****es em off to no end that mum wants to fold my clothes when she visits. She likes to fold, I don't. I know they are going to get squashed as we just throw our clothes in the cupboard - it's easier that way of course I am grateful my mum wants to help. Just ****ed that she doesn't understand or respect our differences.

    2) Respect needs to go both ways. It sucks missing the last 10 minutes of your show. It also sucks having to hang up on phone conversation/video game with friends with no notice. Yes you do pay the bills so *technically* you have the upper hand. However it's a card I would play carefully as it's a card that can send a message of "what you're doing doesn't matter, I win, end of story."

    3. Plan in advance. Ideally rules should be established beforehand - have an understanding that if bet speeds to slow under XYZ circumstances you and DH have the choice of what to do. Under ABC circumstance your son has the choice. Then no-one is hit by surprise when the plug is pulled. If it's too late notice for that approach, you can always say something like "it sucks - one of us is going to miss out. I understand you're playing a game with friends, I want to watch the end of my show . Let's flip a coin this time - then we can discuss a better plan tomorrow." Yes you risk missing your show. You also risk gaining your kids respect.

    4. Lead by example. Never yell at your kid. If you don't listen to your kid, if you yell at them (or 'smack them') , if you tell them want to do, if you don't respect their feelings (no matter how much you might disagree with them) then don't be surprised when your kid acts the same in return. Don't play the "but he yelled first" card. Kids are kids. The human brain doesn't mature until a person is 27 plus. Does that mean they don't have to treat someone wih respect? Absolutley not. It just means they might need someone to show them the right path. Never react in the moment. Always wait until the next day if you feel you are losing control. This is a skill your child can take to the workforce when they are older (the amount of times I have delayed sending a hairy work email - only to realise the next day that I shouldn't send it at all )

    If I were in your situation I would apologise for things getting out of hand, say you have thought about things since, and set a time to have a family meeting to discuss and brainstorm (together) some family rules that everyone can live by.

    Good luck.

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  11. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by GlitterFarts View Post
    imo the punishment is not harsh enough. at 16 he should already know and be doing these tasks already.
    To what extent is that the child's fault though? You can't accept one way of doing things for 15 years and then turn around and say "we're doing it this way from now - deal with it or move out." You've got to first have a relationship and good communication with your child. Then phase a new world order in.

    To further explain - I didn't help my parents much growing up. Some might think I was lazy and to some extend I probably was. However I could pretty much pinpoint my lack of desire to help down to a few cases of when I was about 12 and tried to help my mum without her asking. Got I trouble for hanging the washing out incorrectly and for making a mess after cooking my parents breakfast in bed. From that moment on (and yes it was silly - I was a teenager) I made the decision to basically say "f you" when it came to helping around the house. When my parents told me off for not helping ("do as I say while you live under my roof" type crap) I just mentally flipped them the bird. If they had said something like "hey - I'm struggling here - really need your help. Is there something going on that which would explain why you aren't able to help out?" That probably would have diffused the situation.

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  13. #39
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    Completely agree with VicPark on this too. I fought with my mum a lot as a teenager too...you saved me the effort of putting it all into words.

    I have a similar example with the washed/ironed/folded clothes. My mum would put them in my room and expect me to put them away...I'd leave them there for days until they were in a creased pile on the floor. Drove her mad. I get that she put lots of time and effort into it, but I genuinely didn't care whether my clothes were creased (still don't). I suggested she just didn't iron them and I'd put them away myself, but she wasn't interested in listening to my suggestions.

    I think it's completely fair enough to have minimum standards in your home...but it's got to be put across in a way other than "You're doing this under my roof". It also has to (in my view) be things that your kids can see value in. So for example...if my mum had explained - calmly - to me that she wanted me to make my bed because it helped her to feel more relaxed in an environment that she found beautiful, I would have been likely to do it. There was no convincing me to keep my clothes uncreased though, because I didn't and don't equate wrinkle-free clothing with self-respect, or respecting other people in the way that she did.

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  15. #40
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    I think his room, his choice if it's messy. Yes it's your house, but it's also his home. I would say anything about his room. I wouldn't clean it, but I wouldn't make him do it either.

    If he's old enough to clean then he's old enough to live in squalor by choice. It was my choice growing up too 😄


 

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