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  1. #1
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    Default Too harsh?

    A bit of background. ODS who is nearly 16, through my own fault, has become a lazy, entitled you know what.
    Every day I make him a healthy lunch for school, usually a wrap of some kind, cut up fruit and veg, cheese and crackers etc. I also wash and fold his laundry and more times than not even make his bloody bed because he doesn't and I can't stand looking at it. All he has to do around here is empty half a dishwasher (his brother does the other half) and pick up a dog poo once in a while.

    So last night he had a complete meltdown over the internet. We finally get the NBN next week but right now our speed is crap. DH and I were watching a show on Netflix that we were ten minutes from finishing and it kept freezing because he was playing an online game. We asked him 3 times to please turn it off for ten minutes so we could finish our show. When he didn't do it we blocked him from the internet. He went off his bloody brain over it. Him and DH who is the most laid back guy ever and never raises his voice ended up in an argument because DH basically said we pay for it we need to watch our show and if you don't like it get out.

    It escalated because ODS just wouldn't let it go that we are being completely unreasonable and it's bull****. He was in tears and literally losing his ****.
    So I eventually stepped in and said you know what? You are nearly 16 and you have no respect for us and you are lazy and entitled. Also I looked on his bed and saw all the clean and folded clothes I gave him two days ago were now laying all bunched up on his bed which always happens. Then I told him as of tomorrow you can get up and make your own lunch, make your own bed and do your own laundry. I'm done. If you don't you can go to school and be hungry and stink in your dirty clothes. Then I went to bed and we could hear him in his room still carrying on.

    Now it's 4 in the morning and I'm laying here knowing he deserves it but feeling bad.
    Should I stick to what I said? I'll feel terrible if he leaves without a lunch but I'm sick of doing it all for him. I just don't know if this is something I should follow through on straight away or just make his lunch tomorrow and talk to him about it later when everyone has calmed down.
    Any advice? Teenagers are hard.

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  3. #2
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    Yes, follow through! Maybe it will help if you remind yourself that you are doing him no favours when you do everything for him. He is definitely at an age where he needs to learn to take more responsibility for his own life, IMO. Additionally, I would also be teaching him how to cook some basic meals and make it his job to cook for the family once a week, and also teach him how to clean. Not as punishment, but these are important life skills that many young people miss out on and end up very lost when they move out.

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  5. #3
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    Thanks...I need to hear I'm not being too mean. I know he needs to learn all of that stuff. I've said before to DH that his future wife will hate will me.
    Part of my problem is I like things done a certain way and it's usually easier to do things myself. That's my own issue though.

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    I think you would be doing him a huge disservice if you continued to make his bed/lunch/laundry. He's 16!! He needs to know how to do all this himself, they are basic life skills.
    However I don't believe this should be a 'punishment'. It shouldn't be seen as a negative thing. IMO the tanty about the internet should have an internet related punishment.
    Personally I would probably all be sitting down together and explaining that things got a little heated, we have had a think about it, and due to the attitude we will be blocking you from the internet (perhaps from a certain time in the evening when you are watching your shows) for a day/few days/until you get the NBN, however we have realised that we do too much for you and you need to start doing your own lunch/bed and put laundry away if you wash it, etc etc, so that you know how to do these things when you are older. That it's not punishment, it's just something you realised needs to change.

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  8. #5
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    He needs to be shown how to do these things before you cut him off.

    If it were me I'd be talking to him about the fight and saying that it has led to doing things differently. From now on these are his responsibilities and set them out for him. Show him how to do it and then let him. Don't criticise if he gets it wrong or redo it. My mother always did that and it drove me insane until I told her not to.

    Yes his future wife will hate you unless he turns into an adult soon! Good luck op.

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    I agree with the others, you need to ease him into it, not as a punishment. He's still only 15. My mum did all those things for me till I finished high school at 18.

    Does he get pocket money? Maybe tie the jobs in with his pocket money.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    He needs to be shown how to do these things before you cut him off.

    If it were me I'd be talking to him about the fight and saying that it has led to doing things differently. From now on these are his responsibilities and set them out for him. Show him how to do it and then let him. Don't criticise if he gets it wrong or redo it. My mother always did that and it drove me insane until I told her not to.

    Yes his future wife will hate you unless he turns into an adult soon! Good luck op.
    So reasonable ! I love it. 100% this! Set him up for success.

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    i have a 21 yr old son... 15- 16 yrs of age were hellish years- hormone city for my son. he was an awful teen- clean clothes were often piled up in the dirty clothes basket, he lived in a pigsty of a bedroom

    i showed him how to use the machine, supervised him hanging a load of washing out and supervised him folding his clothes- after 2 weeks of it he got sick of it and guess what- his clothes were put away and only dirty clothes appeared in the washing basket.

    he moved out of home at the end of year 12 and lived with his GF- he had to grow up very fast due to a few reasons and he now lives with another GF and cooks, cleans and im very impressed with his domestic skills.

    But as his mum, i had to teach him and show him how to do things-

    my point is,,, a ) hes male B) hes a teenager C) they are lazy little sh*ts
    d) they need to be shown .

    GOOD LUCK MUMMA.... parenting a teenager is bl**dy hard work

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    You have to follow through.
    This behaviour reminds me on my stepson who moved in with us when he was 16. He caused nothing but issues between me and hubby. Both his parents were to soft on him in my opinion. He is 19 and not interested in anything active or a part time job. He does Uni and that's it. Often he does nothing at all for several months because no uni is on and during semesters he only attends Uni 3 days per week. All he does day in and out is play computer games 24/7. He always complains about the Internet and we often had the same issues as you described. I remember back when he was younger his mother let him take his computer (desktop not laptop) to our place during holidays and if my husband said no he lost it, didn't want to visit his father and was crying. It's like an addiction. Always has been. He doesn't do anything active nor does he help around the house. Same thing with the clothes btw. He also is very disrespectful to me.

    The biggest worry is his unsocial behaviour the computer games have contributed to and his weight. I am seriously worried he is diabetic and doesn't know it yet. The constant headaches, feeling unwell, his diet and lack of sleep and weight strongly indicate that he has some sort of health issue. It's not up to me to deal with it though.

    You cannot let behaviour like this go it needs to be addressed and you need to stick to your guns! If you don't this will get worse. Trust me I speak from experience here.

    We finally got my stepson to move out but are assisting him. He has not yet made an effort to look for work and damn hope he does soon as I refuse to have him move back in and we cannot afford to keep this sort of assistance up when I finish work in three months.

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    I have a 16yo Dd and feel your pain. I think their emotions just escalate and as hurtful as it is, a lot of this stuff is out of their control. I wouldn't suddenly stop doing everything. I'd have a rational talk when things calm down and say he does need to do more and then start with small things - clean washing must be put away. Maybe bring in bins? Then make sure he does that, and tell him he has done a good job, then you can add later. My daughter will act the same and usually apologises and often says she can't stop being horrible, it's like she has to explode even though she feels awful. I'd tell him that no matter what he says to you you always love him. At this age they are very self centred and I think that's normal teenage behaviour. You might also talk to him about what he thinks you can do to de-escalate the behaviour before it gets extreme. Make a plan of how you can help him calm down.good luck!


 

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