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  1. #71
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    my first born was a horrific 3 year old,
    my second born is 2.5 and stubborn,
    Choices where choices are available eg I have cups / plates etc down and he is able to get his own, I have shoes down and he chooses them but sometimes I just have to do it, if I have time I ask him would you like to do x or would you like me to help?

    with things like shopping if were only grabbing a couple of things I tell him you can walk BUT if you walk away / touch stuff etc then you will be put in the trolley,

    the tantrums are strong but I generally just say yes, you're angry / sad / upset about xyz and then ignore him, I dont cuddle a tantrum, he wouldnt let me anyway but once hes calmed down generally he will come for a hug

  2. #72
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    I'm feeling quite awful now. I would love to say things calmly such as "I understand that you're upset because of xxxx" but honestly when dd1 starts to push my buttons and gets her tanty panties on I start to get frustrated and angry instead and HAVE to walk away otherwise I end up in a shouting match with her.

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  4. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    I don't disagree with you, my comment was more just addressing a vibe from a few posters that trying to parent with this particular philosophy is ridiculous or overindulgent. Although I'm quoting BigRed I think she seems like a pretty patient mom. ☺️

    As far as OP's original example, I don't think it's necessarily that acknowledging her daughter's feelings isn't working I think it might be more a case that she's talking too much or giving too many choices, if that makes sense? You definitely have to keep your acknowledgement short and simple, if I get too 'wordy' DS obviously doesn't understand what I'm on about and it all becomes pointless as it just makes him more frustrated.
    I think we agree on this. I still remember watching my 3 year old niece (who is now 22) turn purple when being asked so many questions during a tantrum one day by her mum. Everyone was a mess by the end.

  5. #74
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    I'll just add one last thing for the OP and that's that's it's ok for kids to know when they've gone to far and made mum angry. A child psychologist once told me that it's an essential part of growing up for kids to learn when they've been asked to do something 4 or 5 times and still don't that it may mean mum gets cross and uses angry words.

    It's essential because at school they won't be asked so many times and so it's preparing them for those times. But also people don't have endless patience and are only human.

    I try and remind myself as I'm strapping DD3 into the car seat after asking her 3 times to get in and she's still ignoring me.

    But this thread has been great for me as a useful reminder I can do better.

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  7. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by Little Miss Sunshine View Post
    I'm feeling quite awful now. I would love to say things calmly such as "I understand that you're upset because of xxxx" but honestly when dd1 starts to push my buttons and gets her tanty panties on I start to get frustrated and angry instead and HAVE to walk away otherwise I end up in a shouting match with her.
    Im like this with my first born because frankly if you even looked at him when he started his **** it'd end badly, he bit me last year because I locked the doors and wouldnt let him run out the front door (and he was almost 5!)

    Totally different kids, ds1 -horrific, 40 minute screaming tantrums about the smallest thing and once he's revving he's revving an the only way to deal with it is fast and firm, yo miss that window and you have to just remove him and walk away,

    Ds2 is much easier, he will wally but you just say when you're done then I can deal with you and with in a minute hes good again

  8. #76
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    I used to attempt to attachment parent through everything; even kicking, screaming, abuse-fests (yes - it's abuse, even if it's a two year old who is attacking you. Parents should not feel like they have to accept that) that would last for literally, 60 minutes. 60 minutes of being screamed at, hit out at, kicked, all of that. After a while, after my stress levels were actually making me ill, I talked it over with my hubby and we both took a harder line. Of course - we ensure all needs are met first to the best of our ability. Food, water, stimulation, rest etc. But if things escalate to screaming and demands, we now do time out straight away. Nip it in the bud. This way, we are spared the stress of coping with the screaming & aggression, and so is our (equally important) 4 year old child. It was very upsetting for her to have to be present during tantrums of her little sister, while I tried to negotiate our way into peace again.
    Since being firm with time outs at the point of escalation, tantrums have cut down hugely. As in, from daily to maybe once weekly/fortnightly - and are much shorter as well, when they do happen.

    I think it's important to balance the emotional and physical (stress reduction) needs of the rest of the family against those same needs of the littlest, or loudest member. I found I was putting myself (and my husband, and other children) last, while worrying too much about being firm. Discipline and behaviour expectations are a good and healthy part of a household.

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  10. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Little Miss Sunshine View Post
    I'm feeling quite awful now. I would love to say things calmly such as "I understand that you're upset because of xxxx" but honestly when dd1 starts to push my buttons and gets her tanty panties on I start to get frustrated and angry instead and HAVE to walk away otherwise I end up in a shouting match with her.
    This is me, when DD starts and I'm tired ( DD thinks sleep is for the weak) I remove myself because sometimes I just feel a rage sweep my body and know at this moment it's the very right thing to do.

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  12. #78
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    @Little Miss Sunshine and @Mokeybear I'm part of your club too :-)

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  14. #79
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    Don't feel awful. My take on it all is that people can parent any way they see fit, taking into account personal circumstances and temperament of their child/children. The only essential being that you love your children, and want the best for them. And this is certainly true of everyone in this thread.

    Yes, I admit that I do think that some of the methods described here are ridiculous and overindulgent. But it's not my business how others parent.

    The phrase "respectful parenting" grinds my cookies, and smacks of "SanctiMummy", because the alternative, as already highlighted, is "disrespectful parenting", which is absurd.

    As you were ladies.

    Sent from my SM-N910G using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  16. #80
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    But why can't we all learn from other people and take ideas that might work better? I don't think there would be many who would say I shout and hit my kids and it makes me feel like a a great parent?

    I'm not a fan either of the term respectful parenting but now I understand a bit more about it it's an inclusive idea rather than saying if you don't do this you are therefore disrespectful which is how I thought it first worked.

    The OP clearly wants to try and follow a model for her kids which may or may not work. I've personally found this thread a useful reminder that I hated being raised by a mother who shouted and had no patience for me. She loved us but sometimes that wasn't enough.

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