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  1. #51
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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Surely you've been around long enough to not be baffled by this term?
    Nope. Maybe because I have 4 kids I don't read parenting books or blogs anymore. I don't have time. I honestly had never heard of it before the last time it came up on here a couple of weeks ago. My parenting is more adaptive nowadays. It has to be.

    ETA I would hope I parent respectfully. In the same way I treat my friends and colleagues at work respectfully. But when my son runs out in front of a car like he did this morning after refusing to hold my hand no I'm probably not as respectful as I'd like to be.

    I know what respectful means. And I know how to parent. I wasn't aware that it was a parenting concept as such.
    Last edited by Sonja; 04-03-2016 at 20:52.

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  3. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    I'm truly baffled by this concept "respectful parenting"? Isn't it just parenting?? Seems like common sense with a label.
    What really ticks me are labels that insinuate someone who does things differently isn't a good parent.

    What's the opposite of respectful? Disrespectful. ...

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  5. #53
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    The year between 3 and 4 has always been my least favourite, I swear I had gritted teeth and white knuckles for the whole of last year, she was that ornery and full of herself 😂

    If negotiation doesn't head off the tantrum and distraction hasn't helped I always walk away and ignore, mostly to cool myself and the situation down.

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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    I'm familiar with the name but have never sought out her stuff, will have to have a look.
    .
    Oh I am a bit surprised because the way you describe your parenting is VERY much in line with her philosophy. I think you will get heaps out of her FB page. You can also post question and her (and her followers) often gives tones of advice and feedback. Let me know what you think. X

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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Jeeze. Respectful parenting is just trying to be a more patient and understanding parent rather than having a knee jerk reaction and loosing patience and treating situations as controlling on either side or a power play. That's it. It's not about negotiating and letting your child have their own way all of the time, it's just about taking a deep breath and trying to figure out what's wrong so you can diffuse or avoid the situation. Some parents do this naturally or instinctually, some learn about it through forums and websites and decide to try to actively practice it after realizing maybe they haven't been that patient or understanding. Why does that have to be a negative, ridiculous or offensive thing?
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 04-03-2016 at 21:47.

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  9. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedCreamingSoda View Post
    Oh I am a bit surprised because the way you describe your parenting is VERY much in line with her philosophy. I think you will get heaps out of her FB page. You can also post question and her (and her followers) often gives tones of advice and feedback. Let me know what you think. X
    The Facebook page I linked often reposts from her page, both are definitely worth following for different ideas. ☺️

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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    Jeeze. Respectful parenting is just trying to be a more patient and understanding parent rather than having a knee jerk reaction and loosing patience and treating situations as controlling on either side or a power play. That's it. It's not about negotiating and letting your child have their own way all of the time, it's just about taking a deep breath and trying to figure out what's wrong so you can diffuse the situation. Some parents do this naturally or instinctually, some learn about it through forums and websites and decide to try to actively practice it after realizing maybe they haven't been that patient or understanding. Why does that have to be a negative or offensive thing?
    Maybe my posts aren't coming across as respectful (no pun intended). I am only saying that I'd never actually heard of it as a concept in parenting that there would be blogs about. But I'm not someone who reads blogs so clearly I wouldn't have a clue on these things.

    I've been solo parenting 4 kids since Sunday and it's tough being respectful all the time. My 2 year old pushes the boundaries and shouts and behaves in an extremely irrational manner at times. Respectful parenting is bloody hard work at times.

    If it is what you say it is then that's wonderful.

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    I can totally see both sides of the discipline discussion that has evolved. My DD is now 4 and she is definitely not the type of kid you can put in her room, or away from the action and it will make her calm down and she learns a lesson, she gets hysterical and my anxiety just can't cope with that level of crying and inability to cope with her emotions, but in our case it's definitely lead to a situation where we have kind of lost control of her and she expects to get her way, and we are back to the drawing board!

    Offering options has also backfired, if she doesn't like the two options we offer, she asks for a third option and so on and so forth until we run out of options and cue full meltdown again. So really we are stuck in a rock and a hard place. So we have a kid who isn't emotionally mature enough to deal with being left alone or I guess a more 'tough love' approach to discipline, but a more 'gentle' approach to discipline leaves us with a defiant and spoilt child.

    So OP, I share your pain, I hope you find something that works with your parenting style AND that works for your DD.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    My daughter turned 3 last week and it is like someone flicked a switch and said "OK we got through the terrible twos relatively unscathed so lets really turn it up a notch now that you're three". I'm really big on picking my battles so if she wants to wear clashing clothes, go for it. If she wants to use a spoon to eat spaghetti? No worries. But she suddenly refuses to go to daycare; she won't get dressed, won't let me brush her hair, pulls her shoes and socks off, etc. That is a battle that I can't let her win as I need to get her there on time so I can get to work! There are other times too when I feel that I have no choice other than to disrespect her, like when she doesn't want to sit in her car seat, she wants to sit in a normal seat in the car. I have picked her up and forced her into her seat, with her screaming and kicking the whole time. I don't blame her, I would too if someone was forcing me to sit where I didn't want to sit! I am trying to fix the issue before it becomes an issue, e.g. by getting up 15 minutes earlier so she can have some time to wake up and chill out before she has to get ready, and also to give us some spare time so we're not rushing if she insists on changing her socks. This hasn't really made a difference except that I'm not so worried that we'll be late.

    Also another issue is that when she's having a tantrum, she doesn't know what she wants so I don't know how to effectively deal with it. I'm not allowed to talk to her or look at her and definitely can't touch her, but I am allowed to be in the same room. But I'm not allowed to sit down or stand up, and the door can't be open but it can't be shut. Once she has calmed down slightly, I start to say "You must feel really angry when ...... sometimes when I feel angry, I stomp my feet." that usually just has her yelling that "no only children can stomp their feet when they're angry!" or "no I just want to kick you!" I'm really strict on her not hurting anyone, so tell her "I will not let you kick me" and hold her legs or whatever I need to do to stop her hurting me. Obviously holding her legs flares her up again and we're back to square one.

    Also we don't do time out, I'll sometimes remove her and I from a situation, e.g. if she won't share or is getting annoyed with other people, her and I will go and sit somewhere quiet until she calms down.

    I'm still trying to get my head around discipline while being respectful as I was smacked, had time outs, was sent to bed, etc. when I was a child so this is all new ground for me.

    Looking forward to any tips or guidance that you can provide!
    I 'respectfully parent' my kids too (well, I do admit my patience is getting more thin as they get older!), but I don't let them get away with murder- part of being a good parent is raising a child who is respectful to others and considers those around them.
    For the examples in your OP-
    "I'm sorry you don't feel like going to day care today, but mummy needs to go to work, we can do something fun together when we get home".
    "sorry but we don't have time to change your socks again, those ones are nice and clean/soft/bright, we have to go or I will be late to work"
    Car seat- tell her to get in herself or you will pick her up and put her in. Who cares if she's kicking and screaming. Tell her "you must sit in your car seat, it keeps you safe and I want you to be safe because I love you very much".

    As for all her rules when she having a tanty- oh my lordy! Sorry but that sounds ridiculous. I get what you are saying about her needing help with emotions etc and I agree, but if this turmoil is going on in her head, how is she going to reason with you and chat with you about her feelings? If she is saying you can't look at her, talk to her etc, then she obviously wants time to herself to settle. It is ok to leave the room. When she has calmed down- fully, not slightly, otherwise she is still all frazzled and no message will be getting through hence why she starts back up again when you start talking- only then go in and talk with her. Her immature brain cannot handle discussing these odd little things called emotions when she is still worked up from a tantrum.
    IME- I had one child who NEEDED time outs. In hindsight I now know he has Aspergers, and needed alone time. When he calmed down we would talk.
    I had another child whose tantrums escalated if I was near her. So again I needed to leave her.
    Then I had another child who needed me and my touch to settle. So tantrums would involve cuddles until he settled, then a chat.
    It really is ok to leave them.

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  14. #60
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    FearlessLeader is offline Winner 2013 - Most Memorable Thread
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    I think @CMF makes some fantastic points. It really is ok to leave them. Sometimes that's the most respectful thing to do- just say, 'I'm here for you when you need me' and let them know that you're around to support them and love them, but just give them some space to have their meltdown.
    It's sort of like if I'm having a massive rant to DP about work and he started telling me to practice my deep breathing or something that would only incense me more. Sometimes all you need is for someone to say- 'yeah dude that super sucks, there's nothing you can do about the situation but I get that you need to blow off steam'. Does that make sense?
    Children do need to learn that they will have to sometimes do things they won't like, and they need to learn coping strategies for that- what I'm saying is that mid tantrum is not the time for explanations or suggestions for coping. Leave all that for when they're calm and let them use the tantrum as practice. My DD is 3.5 now, and I can see her trying harder to self regulate. When she's done with her tantrum I'll ask her if she needs a hug, and then I'll chat with her about what happened and praise her for calming down all on her own. If I always used distraction or bribery or let her chose a third option or whatever she wouldn't actually be learning how to cope when things don't go her way. You can't avoid every tantrum and I don't think you should try to avoid too many. it's an important life skill to regulate your emotions and if life is set up so you don't have any obstacles then you won't learn it very well.

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