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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    Firstly thanks for taking the time to respond.

    I think my opinion on tantrums is different to a lot of you who have responded, it is either her response to a need not being met or her having emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. I never see a tantrum as being naughty or acting out, it's just the only way she knows how to deal with the situation. Which is why I don't ignore her or put her in a room on her own; I want to help her work through it and begin to learn how to react to those emotions. And only having one child, I do have the luxury of focusing all of my attention on her.
    This is the attitude I take to tantrums too. My dd is younger than yours but at this stage I'm trying to acknowledge her feelings and then sit with her until I can either figure out what the problem is and address it, or until she's ready to be distracted out of it. I don't know if that works once they're older though. I hope it will!

    That's not to say that I always give her whatever she wants but, I, like you, try to pick my battles.

    Returning to your original post, I think sometimes the battles like not wanting to get dressed are about them wanting power over their own lives. So with dd I try to give her two options to choose from. Eg do you want to wear your blue dress or your red shirt? I don't know if that strategy might help you.
    Last edited by BettyV; 04-03-2016 at 17:38.

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    I've been trying to figure this one out for a while. I agree about the tantrum being a struggle to deal with her emotions, and I started out dealing with them similarly to you. I found though that she struggled to calm down more if she didn't have a very clear idea of what would happen. When she knew I'd try to help however she wanted (close door, open door, stand, sit etc.) it just gave her more variables to freak out about. My general approach now is:
    1. "you must be feeling very xyz. Would you like me to stay with you while you calm down?" (if I can) or "would you like a hug?" if I can't stay. If she says no, I leave her to it. If she says yes, I stay, but I don't try to talk or respond to any demands.
    2. When she's calm, one way or another, we talk about what prompted the behaviour, how she felt and/or what could be done differently next time.
    3. At completely different times, we talk about how all feelings are valid, but we we need to feel in control/calm to solve problems effectively.

    As for things that HAVE to be done...trying to pre-empt problems sometimes works. Making it a game sometimes works (or just being silly. You don't want your shoes on your feet? Howabout your nose?). Explaining natural consequences sometimes works. Sometimes there's no real choice but to give a simple option ("In your seat or I will have to put you in. 1, 2, 3") and follow through.

    I don't always do this. It's hard to be calm and consistent. It'swhat I find works best for my threenager though.

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    I agree which is why i suggested the negotiation and communication in calm times. I have twin toddlers and it's working.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    Firstly thanks for taking the time to respond.

    I think my opinion on tantrums is different to a lot of you who have responded, it is either her response to a need not being met or her having emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. I never see a tantrum as being naughty or acting out, it's just the only way she knows how to deal with the situation. Which is why I don't ignore her or put her in a room on her own; I want to help her work through it and begin to learn how to react to those emotions. And only having one child, I do have the luxury of focusing all of my attention on her.
    I think you've misunderstood me. My reason for largely ignoring tantrums is due to having other kids whose needs need attending to. But I know the difference between a tantrum driven by not getting her own way and one that's truly driven by a frustration from lack of communication.

    And sometimes no matter how hard we try all we can do at the end of the day is give them a hug (if they let us). If you are comfortable continuing to give her the attention you do then you should continue. I think what the rest of us are saying is it's also ok to just let them be some times.

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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    Firstly thanks for taking the time to respond.

    I think my opinion on tantrums is different to a lot of you who have responded, it is either her response to a need not being met or her having emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. I never see a tantrum as being naughty or acting out, it's just the only way she knows how to deal with the situation. Which is why I don't ignore her or put her in a room on her own; I want to help her work through it and begin to learn how to react to those emotions. And only having one child, I do have the luxury of focusing all of my attention on her.
    I have the same attitude ☺️. I don't have a threenager yet but currently dealing with a twoche bag on some days! 😂

    I follow this site on Facebook and they often have loads of great articles that you will probably find helpful: https://www.facebook.com/PositivePar...lersandBeyond/

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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Well you all sound like much better mummies than me!
    @JR03 I just wanted to say it might help you feel better to change your headset slightly about some things? What really jumped out at me in your OP was your comment about feeling you're not respecting your DD by forcing her into her car seat. See, I don't think that's disrespectful. That's you being a responsible parent (keeping her safe), which is respecting your daughter's wellbeing.

    Three year olds aren't logical about these things and can get upset when they aren't doing exactly what they want to do. We *have* to be logical - that is good parenting and I don't think by setting boundaries that you are being disrespectful.

    I agree that picking your battles is an excellent strategy, and when you have the time, patience and inclination it's fantastic to do. At times, though, I think you have the right to say 'this is my choice, you need to do this now.' This is part of life - sometimes we just have to do things (especially where safety/health/hygiene is concerned), and she is old enough to begin to understand that. If tantrums are the byproduct of that, then that just comes with the territory.

    It sometimes helps if I offer DS a choice of something to do after the thing he has to do, ie 'it's bath time now. You're going to have a bath because you've been in the mud and you are filthy. After your bath you can pick out which book you'd like us to read.'

    Also, I do actually do time outs. Personally I believe there is a time and place for them. I don't leave DS alone, but I remove him from a situation if he is being violent or harming property, tantrum or no tantrum. I sit him on my lap in a quiet space for three minutes. If you're not comfortable with that I get it, but I do find it to be effective and at least it breaks the cycle a bit.

    Helping her to label her emotions is fantastic. Hang in there - DS is mostly lovely now but Jeeze those first few months after he turned three were a nightmare!

    ETA although 123, Magic is essentially about time outs, I think it's really worth a read, even if just for the first couple of chapters which really helped me understand DS a little better. Also any of Nigel Latta's books are amazing.
    Last edited by harvs; 04-03-2016 at 18:10.

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    Ds1 had a bout of the terrible 3's which lasted about 6 months and it was the same time ds2 was born so I think that was a contributing factor. I soon learnt to ignore the tantrams as the more fuss I made the worse they were. Once he knew he wasn't going to get my attention they soon settled. Ds1 is now 8 and no behaviour issues. Ds2 is 5 and never went through the tantram stage at all but I have been doing 1 2 3 magic which is great.

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    OP I assume by your language that you are familiar with Janet Lansbury and RIE???? If not, look them up. Good luck. Xxx

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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    I have the same attitude ☺️. I don't have a threenager yet but currently dealing with a twoche bag on some days! 😂
    Twouche bag - excuse me while I go die from laughter 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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    Quote Originally Posted by Renn View Post
    I've been trying to figure this one out for a while. I agree about the tantrum being a struggle to deal with her emotions, and I started out dealing with them similarly to you. I found though that she struggled to calm down more if she didn't have a very clear idea of what would happen. When she knew I'd try to help however she wanted (close door, open door, stand, sit etc.) it just gave her more variables to freak out about. My general approach now is:
    1. "you must be feeling very xyz. Would you like me to stay with you while you calm down?" (if I can) or "would you like a hug?" if I can't stay. If she says no, I leave her to it. If she says yes, I stay, but I don't try to talk or respond to any demands.
    2. When she's calm, one way or another, we talk about what prompted the behaviour, how she felt and/or what could be done differently next time.
    3. At completely different times, we talk about how all feelings are valid, but we we need to feel in control/calm to solve problems effectively.

    As for things that HAVE to be done...trying to pre-empt problems sometimes works. Making it a game sometimes works (or just being silly. You don't want your shoes on your feet? Howabout your nose?). Explaining natural consequences sometimes works. Sometimes there's no real choice but to give a simple option ("In your seat or I will have to put you in. 1, 2, 3") and follow through.

    I don't always do this. It's hard to be calm and consistent. It'swhat I find works best for my threenager though.
    I love your approach, especially with still giving her a choice of whether I stay or go.


    @harvs you can't stop being a teacher, you explain things so well. And I guess we sort of do your variation of a time out, she is removed from the situation and is never put there alone, always with one of us, and we don't have a time limit, it's just until she calms down.


    Quote Originally Posted by RedCreamingSoda View Post
    OP I assume by your language that you are familiar with Janet Lansbury and RIE???? If not, look them up. Good luck. Xxx
    I'm familiar with the name but have never sought out her stuff, will have to have a look.


    Thanks so much ladies for your responses, even those that aren't strictly in line with my parenting style have given me a lot to think about.


 

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