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  1. #251
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    It's over he has left ...Gees you like to rub salt into the very fresh wounds ...thanks Ladies. ..
    grow up.

    you're a grown woman and you're coming on here spinning all these yarns about ifs and maybes and making all these empty plans.

    people have put in time and energy and given you great advice and info about resources available to you.

    I believe if you wanted to move on with your life, you would have already. people leave marriages and move on over much less.

    I think you like to come on here to shoot the breeze and get vindicated for what you know is true, but when it comes to implementing anything, you stall and keep using these little plot twists (Easter plans and his sister, wtf!? who cares?) to keep spinning the wheels.

    people are trying to help but you're not really helping yourself.

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  3. #252
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    sorry that was a bit harsh I guess but come on. time to start doing and stop stalling! he's left you, it's over, what are you waiting for!?

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  5. #253
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    RP I think most of us are frustrated as it seems like you're looking for any reason you can find to not follow through on your word to leave so that you can stay.

    You are backpeddling now by saying the only way you'll 100% leave is if you can find proof he's cheated.

    Luv....if you think he's not going to be screwing around behind your back with anyone who offers/that he pays for then you're deluded.

    I think you're too scared to make a move...but letting fear hold you back is only damaging your children & yourself more.

    I can understand if you feel overwhelmed & don't know what to do/where to start but plenty of pp's have basically guided you through the process. We can't physically do it for you.

    Make no mistake that what you & your children are living in/with is Family Violence. This man is an A/Hole who will never change. I don't know why his abuse of you/children isn't enough to leave now you have this opportunity?? I don't know if the abuse is also physical but what's it going to take for you to leave??

    Him hitting you/kids??...killing one of you?? What?? Believe me when I say he's counting on the fact that you'll be there when he gets back...all meek & mild, cowering in the metaphorical corner waiting for him because he thinks you don't have the guts to leave!! He's systematically dismantled your self esteem/worth over the years to get you right where he wants you.....under his control!!

    FFS's Luv!! Wake up to yourself & get out while you can!!! There is help out there...Ask for it!! Utilise it!!

    Find the strength & courage for yourself & your children to get rid of this toxic, abusive A/Hole once & for all so you can start building the life that you & your kids deserve!!

    Don't waste anymore time!! Life is short.....

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  7. #254
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    Quote Originally Posted by twinklify View Post
    I came across an article today - it has to do with the effect DV had on a child. Please read it when you can. You may think you are hurting your kids taking them away but here is the story of someone who witnessed and experienced DV as a child.

    http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/af...1c37792db7d515
    I'm tearing up. This is so real and raw and my god, this stuff needs to be spoken about more and especially by men and especially those in the sports industry. Their word is so powerful and I hope this can be the start of a bigger conversation and even the AFL being leaders in this.

    OP, did the article strike a chord with you?

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  9. #255
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    Default Need to get this off my chest

    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    I agree with what has been said ...totally ...it just scares me that I can't help but feel if I stay it's going to hurt the kids but if I leave it's going to hurt the kids ...but the me leaving is me partisapating in that hurt towards the kids ...I am struggling with all of this and I hate it ...I really hate it ...but that's who I am .. I'm glad I'm not so cold hearted like him ...
    My mum stayed. My childhood sucked. I'm still emotionally scarred. My relationship with my mum is cra.p now. By staying you are putting yourself first because YOU 'don't want to feel bad'. I'm sorry this is blunt but you have been given so much support and so many fantastic ideas. I suggest you start taking them and taking control of your life. Salvage your children's childhoods while you still have the chance. X

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  11. #256
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    Default Need to get this off my chest

    It's very true about the children, they will call you to account for their childhoods one day. Truth is, they will probably blame you more than him. I think children naturally expect more from their mothers and in situations like yours will judge you harshly even if they are not open about it with you, especially when they are starting there own families.
    Last edited by Mokeybear; 27-03-2016 at 17:34.

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  13. #257
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    @LaDiDah makes a good point.

    Your children have zero choice in the matter right now. However when they are old enough to make their own choices/leave then you risk being alienated from their lives not to mention the anger/bitterness they will feel toward you for not leaving & making them live in that situation.

    Even worse they may end up finding partners who abuse them or become abusers themselves. That's what happens to most kids who come from Family Violence.

    Not to mention the mental/emotional damage....depression/anxiety etc.

    It's up to you RP....they are relying on you to do what a Mum's primary objective is.... to Protect & Nurture your children.
    Last edited by BlondeinBrisvegas; 27-03-2016 at 18:23.

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  15. #258
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    My father was an abuser. He hit my mum and then his subsequent girlfriends in his life. Although he never physically hit me (he knocked my brother out once), he talked down to me and spoke to me like I was an idiot, called us morons. Luckily my mum got the guts and walked away after 18 years, you can only suffer so much. Their split and divorce was so messy and 20 years later it still haunts me. It has had a negative impact on my life in the form of relationships. I have a lovely partner now, but not without its problems, usually caused by me, because of my childhood. I still go to councelling because I know that our relationship doesn't need such negativity.

    If you don't value yourself, value your children. Trust me, I never want my kids to go through what I went through and what I saw. When I left my ex husband, it was very important that we seperate amicably for my children, and even if you can't do that, just walk away and take them with you.

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  17. #259
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    I am going to try and say this in kindest way I can because I can see your in a very dark place and it all overwhelming.

    You don't have a choice about staying or leaving. He has robbed you of that too.

    He is gone. That a fact.

    It's your job to protect those precious children and start picking up the pieces of their lives and finding a new way to put them together so they can thrive again.
    Right now this limbo you are choosing for them is hurting them.

    You need to put on your mumma bear cap on. Start to protect them and build a new life for them.

    You can do this.

    You are stronger than you think.
    Even if you don't think you are. It's time to stand up and fake til you get there. You kids need the lioness to come out in you.

    You don't have time to be the person that wants to crawl in the hole and die. I know it's hard. Because it is hard. But your a mother of kids that need you so climb out put on your war paint and get out and fight for them and for you.

    You deserve better. They deserve better.

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  19. #260
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    Yes I had made my mind up to leave him if he went on this trip. ..
    What I'm saying is that if their was proof that I had of a affair then I would be having these conversations with you all at all....it would be well and truly over ..
    First you said you would leave if he went on this trip. Now you say you'd leave if you found out he's cheated. He HAS left and you still won't move on. This whole thing isn't about you not wanting to regret leaving. It's not even about your kids. It's about you not wanting to be alone. That notion is so crippling for you, you would rather he stick around while you feel like this than not have someone at all. You need to learn the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. One does not always equal the other.

    I'm not trying to be rude or hurt you. I'm sorry if I have. I'm not going to enable you, though.

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